Pre-30 panic

fairy_lights

Guest101 wrote: »

Look, it's all personal opinions and since you've decided to attack others, let's take a look at yours.


1: hundreds of millions of people have children before they're 100% sure, and it ends up being the best thing that's ever happened to the.
2: That's fine for you, you're 31, so let's say you take 2-3 years to achieve your dreams + incubation, you'll be 35 when you have your first child, in all likelihood that means you'll have one child. I'd say that's selfish on your child, studies have shown that siblings develop much better emotionally and psychologically, going on to do better academically and ultimately more successful in later life.
3: your colleague probably has many regrets, she just doesn't say so in the work environment.
4: the 'norm' is for people to have children later, a decision that many regret. I know this as many other parents, who are atleast 10-15 years my senior, feel they are unable to keep up physically with their offspring, who have bundles of energy.


You haven't had children, but speak through the experience of a co-worker, who probably doesn't tell you all the negatives.

You're making a lot of assumptions there.
I know women who started having children in their late 30's and went on to have three or four. I know women who have had one child in their early twenties and not had any more. I would like to see the research backing up your claim that only children suffer.
It is true that fertility drops as we age but that's something most women are well aware of and know that by delaying having children it may become harder, if someone has a burning desire to have children then of course it makes sense to do it sooner rather than later, but if you're on the fence I don't think it should be rushed in to.
Some people have kids before they are ready and it all works out fine, but other people end up deeply regretting having rushed in to it.

ska_lover

Guest101 wrote: »

Look, it's all personal opinions and since you've decided to attack others, let's take a look at yours.


1: hundreds of millions of people have children before they're 100% sure, and it ends up being the best thing that's ever happened to the.
2: That's fine for you, you're 31, so let's say you take 2-3 years to achieve your dreams + incubation, you'll be 35 when you have your first child, in all likelihood that means you'll have one child. I'd say that's selfish on your child, studies have shown that siblings develop much better emotionally and psychologically, going on to do better academically and ultimately more successful in later life.
3: your colleague probably has many regrets, she just doesn't say so in the work environment.
4: the 'norm' is for people to have children later, a decision that many regret. I know this as many other parents, who are atleast 10-15 years my senior, feel they are unable to keep up physically with their offspring, who have bundles of energy.


You haven't had children, but speak through the experience of a co-worker, who probably doesn't tell you all the negatives.

I haven't read all of mai-taylors posts but this I can't believe people in on here are encouraging you to have children when you've clearly said you're not ready. You shouldn't bring a child into the world unless you're 100% sure it's what you want.
is excellent advice

mai_taylor

Guest101 wrote: »

Look, it's all personal opinions and since you've decided to attack others, let's take a look at yours.


1: hundreds of millions of people have children before they're 100% sure, and it ends up being the best thing that's ever happened to the.
2: That's fine for you, you're 31, so let's say you take 2-3 years to achieve your dreams + incubation, you'll be 35 when you have your first child, in all likelihood that means you'll have one child. I'd say that's selfish on your child, studies have shown that siblings develop much better emotionally and psychologically, going on to do better academically and ultimately more successful in later life.
3: your colleague probably has many regrets, she just doesn't say so in the work environment.
4: the 'norm' is for people to have children later, a decision that many regret. I know this as many other parents, who are atleast 10-15 years my senior, feel they are unable to keep up physically with their offspring, who have bundles of energy.


You haven't had children, but speak through the experience of a co-worker, who probably doesn't tell you all the negatives.

I'm not attacking others, just don't think it's right to put pressure on someone about such a huge life altering decision, which some take too lightly.

1. There are hundreds of millions who shouldn't be having children at all, didn't think it through, aren't financially secure, aren't emotionally mature enough and don't do a good job of being parents.
2. I'm an only child and just fine thanks.
3. She may have many regrets but not about the age she had her child.
4. And I know a few parents who regret having children at all.

All I'm saying it's it's down to the individual and what's right for them.

Guest101

fairy_lights wrote: »

You're making a lot of assumptions there.
I know women who started having children in their late 30's and went on to have three or four. - absolutely, but equally it may become biologically impossible to have any children at all. I know women who have had one child in their early twenties and not had any more. I would like to see the research backing up your claim that only children suffer. - There are literally dozens of studies regarding the benefits of having siblings, I'll dig some links out later for ones ive seen, but there will be many more on google which ive not read.
It is true that fertility drops as we age but that's something most women are well aware of and know that by delaying having children it may become harder, if someone has a burning desire to have children then of course it makes sense to do it sooner rather than later, but if you're on the fence I don't think it should be rushed in to. - No definitely not, but equally many people have regrets about leaving it too late, even if at the time they felt it was the right decision.
Some people have kids before they are ready and it all works out fine, but other people end up deeply regretting having rushed in to it.

Of course, but my point was that if we all waited until we were 100% sure, the population would be dwindling significantly.

Guest101

mai_taylor wrote: »

I'm not attacking others, just don't think it's right to put pressure on someone about such a huge life altering decision, which some take too lightly. - I hardly think an online forum has the capacity to put any meaningful or significant pressure on anyone.

1. There are hundreds of millions who shouldn't be having children at all, didn't think it through, aren't financially secure, aren't emotionally mature enough and don't do a good job of being parents. - Sure, but the vast majority of parents and children fall into my category rather than yours.
2. I'm an only child and just fine thanks. - Of course, the studies are a general overview and cant be applicable in every case, but there are strong links which show up once you look at the bigger picture.
3. She may have many regrets but not about the age she had her child. - Honestly you cant know that.
4. And I know a few parents who regret having children at all. - Loads. But again the vast majority don't.

All I'm saying it's it's down to the individual and what's right for them.

Absolutely, but as I mentioned in my previous post, if we all waited until the perfect time, humanity would cease to exist.

Angry_Bear

ska_lover wrote: »

I haven't read all of mai-taylors posts but this I can't believe people in on here are encouraging you to have children when you've clearly said you're not ready. You shouldn't bring a child into the world unless you're 100% sure it's what you want.
is excellent advice

Yes, however if you're 100% sure you want children - "not yet" could actually force it to be "never".
As someone who 100% does NOT want children, I'm all in favour of people not trying to force the idea that a woman must have children. But women who want children delaying the decision has serious consequences for them, their future children (the chances of complications and birth defects are higher, but "just" having parents who have less energy because they're getting older is also a consideration), the NHS (there's a connection between the rising age of first time mothers and the rise in fertility treatment) and their health.

However, that is neither here nor there - it is the OPs decision, and should certainly wait until her current relationship issues have been addressed.

Beautiful-Moose

I can't believe people in on here are encouraging you to have children when you've clearly said you're not ready. You shouldn't bring a child into the world unless you're 100% sure it's what you want.

Right now I am not ready, but I do want to have children. I would love to have them right now but sadly right now we have a lot of debt which we are slowly clearing off. For us to have kids we would need to move out of our 1 bed flat into a 2 bed flat/house and we live in London so this won't be a cheap thing to do. We manage now with everything but we would struggle big time if we had a kid and then a bigger flat payment as well. I wouldn't want to bring a kid into that situation right now. If we carry on making our payments we will be debt free by 1st Jan 2020. I would be willing to start trying in 2019 when I know we are paying out a lot less every month on our debts. I am not asking to put it off forever I am just asking for us not to try in 2017 or 2018 and give us a small delay so we can sort our finances out first so we can then give our little family the best possible start. I don't think that is a horrible thing to ask or do.

fairy_lights

Beautiful-Moose wrote: »

I would be willing to start trying in 2019 when I know we are paying out a lot less every month on our debts.

Another thing to consider if you and your OH both want kids - what are your chances of conceiving if you're only having sex every 6 weeks?

Beautiful-Moose

Another thing to consider if you and your OH both want kids - what are your chances of conceiving if you're only having sex every 6 weeks?

This is exactly my point! How can we even begin to think seriously about trying for a kid when we don't do it any where near enough as it is!?

gonzo127

Beautiful-Moose wrote: »

This is exactly my point! How can we even begin to think seriously about trying for a kid when we don't do it any where near enough as it is!?

on the flip side, my ex got pregnant first time we tried without protection, which was a miracle really, and considering we wasnt 'trying' and went down the idea of if it happens it happens, was a big shock, and by the way, she was 38 at the time