Pre-30 panic

Doozergirl

I'm shocked that you can say you're pretty happy and then people tell you you aren't compatible. That's sad. You sound lovely and it's honourable that you aren't going on the USA adventure in order to pay off debts. You've found a good compromise in a small break. Enjoy the debt falling that month and look forward to a debt free holiday when you can.

I've been with my husband for nearly 20 years and in all honesty, he probably wouldn't be all that bothered if we didn't go on holiday or for weekends away all that much, but he does enjoy them. That's all that matters. He doesn't need to book them, like you may not need to take the bins out (clich!, sorry!) He's just not compelled to daydream and search for travel bargains like me. It doesn't make us incompatible.

And getting pregnant is ultimately your decision and well within your control.

fatbeetle

Talking from a man's perspective, do you actually make an effort/advances, to get your "bedroom life" going? I was in a relationship with a girl who complained about the same thing. As she never suggested sex, or made the first move, or got all fired up, it was easy to presume she wasn't that interested.

Guest101

Have kids early.


You're 30, you'll be 48 by the time they go to uni (or begin adulthood in other ways)

Beautiful-Moose

Talking from a man's perspective, do you actually make an effort/advances, to get your "bedroom life" going? I was in a relationship with a girl who complained about the same thing. As she never suggested sex, or made the first move, or got all fired up, it was easy to presume she wasn't that interested.

Yes I do but when you get knocked back a few times you kinda don't feel like trying so much. However he never tries with me. I can't remember the last time he initiated anything which makes me feel a little unwanted if truth be told. I think I just want to feel wanted again like at the start of our relationship.

If you aren't ready for children yet then that's fine. Many aren't at 29 and doesn't mean you won't be in 3-5 years time. If he's not desperate to have the right now then that isn't a big incompatability. I had some fantastic holidays, weekends away, and nights out (not clubby just enjoying the freedom to go round to friend's places, parties and to lots of restaurants and comedy clubs, etc) and it did help me to feel like I'd got these things under my belt before babies. Make the most of the next three years and decide on your main two or three holiday destinations to do before children. However remember that your life isn't over after you have them and you won't always be constrained to 'family holidays' once tge children are older so you don't need to see everywhere when you are young.

I think that is part of my problem, I think that having kids will end the holidays/nights out for a good while and I don't feel ready to give that all up this year or next year at least. I know it doesn't have to end my desire to travel but it will alter the holiday destinations. And I know kids don't stop nights out either but I enjoy my Friday night drink after work and not having to rush home and I know my partner enjoys his Friday nights too which is why I know he doesn't want to try for kids ASAP.

That said, I am not sure you should be having a baby with this man, as you don't sound compatible at all. In fact, I wonder if you really want a baby, or if you just think you should have one? Because you seem to yearn for travel, fun, freedom, and friends. To be honest, what you're yearning for is what I would expect a 20 year old to be yearning for, which tells me you maybe settled down too young? Your post tells me that you feel trapped and fed up.

I'm shocked that you can say you're pretty happy and then people tell you you aren't compatible. That's sad. You sound lovely and it's honourable that you aren't going on the USA adventure in order to pay off debts. You've found a good compromise in a small break. Enjoy the debt falling that month and look forward to a debt free holiday when you can.

I am sorry if my post makes me sound like I am incompatible with my partner but I never meant it to sound like that. We agree on a huge amount of things, the fact that yes we do want kids and we do want marriage I just feel my partner wants them a bit sooner than I do but that isn't to say I don't want them ever. We have many of the same interests like football and gigs and cooking. We have very similar family values and come from big families. We have the same ideas when it comes to our social life and we have a great life together. I am just having a bit of a panic about a few elements of it.

As I have said before I will fight hard for our relationship because I love him and don't want to lose him over things I feel can be fixed. I am just unsure how to go about things without hurting his feelings. I think people are right in that we need to sit down and chat about things seriously.

gonzo127

Beautiful-Moose wrote: »

Talking from a man's perspective, do you actually make an effort/advances, to get your "bedroom life" going? I was in a relationship with a girl who complained about the same thing. As she never suggested sex, or made the first move, or got all fired up, it was easy to presume she wasn't that interested.

Yes I do but when you get knocked back a few times you kinda don't feel like trying so much. However he never tries with me. I can't remember the last time he initiated anything which makes me feel a little unwanted if truth be told. I think I just want to feel wanted again like at the start of our relationship.



I think that is part of my problem, I think that having kids will end the holidays/nights out for a good while and I don't feel ready to give that all up this year or next year at least. I know it doesn't have to end my desire to travel but it will alter the holiday destinations. And I know kids don't stop nights out either but I enjoy my Friday night drink after work and not having to rush home and I know my partner enjoys his Friday nights too which is why I know he doesn't want to try for kids ASAP.





I am sorry if my post makes me sound like I am incompatible with my partner but I never meant it to sound like that. We agree on a huge amount of things, the fact that yes we do want kids and we do want marriage I just feel my partner wants them a bit sooner than I do but that isn't to say I don't want them ever. We have many of the same interests like football and gigs and cooking. We have very similar family values and come from big families. We have the same ideas when it comes to our social life and we have a great life together. I am just having a bit of a panic about a few elements of it.

As I have said before I will fight hard for our relationship because I love him and don't want to lose him over things I feel can be fixed. I am just unsure how to go about things without hurting his feelings. I think people are right in that we need to sit down and chat about things seriously.

i am male, but had a similar thing with my (soon to be) ex wife in regards sex and intimacy and will strongly advise that you sit down and talk it through sooner rather than later as it WILL only get worse.

When our sex life started to drop off, like your's sometimes going over a month inbetween, i tried harder to get her interested, when that didnt work i thought about maybe giving her some space as not to put pressure on her, then even with the space and less pressure we still didnt have sex, and when i tried initiating it i would still get rejected, so i started getting down and felt my self confidence really drop off.

i then started (sub-consciously) withdrawing myself from the hurt of the rejection, just in small and subtle ways, and other forms of intimacy started dropping off, less kisses, less holding hands, less cuddles on the sofa, unfortunately she read that as me going off her and started withdrawing herself and so we started growing apart. this meant that for the last 7 years of our marriage we maybe had sex 2-3 times A YEAR which at the end she thought was enough, even with me having repeatedly told her it wasnt for me

we both felt that we was doing what was right for each other, and passively fighting for the marriage, but when push comes to shove by not having tackled it soon enough we drove that much of a wedge between each other that we stopped actually knowing each other, we tried counselling ourselves but it was just too late for us, as we then wanted totally different things with our lives and we couldnt seem to change enough to meet somewhere in the middle.

so talk, get it out in the open, and make it very clear that 4-6 weeks is not often enough for you, because if he can 'joke' it off so it becomes a none issue he will do, and i can promise it will effect things in the future

AndyBSG

Doozergirl wrote: »

I'm shocked that you can say you're pretty happy and then people tell you you aren't compatible

Agree completely with this.

On paper me and my wife are totally incompatible with very different personalities, interests, upbringings etc but I honestly couldn't see myself with anyone else.

Gavin83

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Re marriage; it most definitely is NOT just a piece of paper, and a change of name. There is so much more to marriage that just this. I can't even begin to tell you how much more marriage brings to a relationship. It makes me cringe when people say 'it's only a piece of paper.'

Well what is it then? When people say a piece of paper, they don't mean that literally. They are primarily referring to the legal protections this gives. Beyond the legal protections I don't really see the value of marriage either, there really is no difference between a marriage and a long term relationship. This is of course a matter of opinion and I expect some people would consider it different (especially religious people) but for me there is none.

I also don't want children either, makes life much easier to organise and don't feel the need to squeeze everything in before a deadline.

Beautiful-Moose, ignoring the first few months (as most couples are at it like rabbits) has the infrequent sex always been a problem or is it a new thing?

If it's been like this for most of your relationship then it's likely that is just his usual sex drive. Not everyone wants regular sex and there is nothing actually wrong with this, as long as both partners are in agreement. You could probably compromise a little but if your sex drives differ that much then it's highly likely that you won't both be happy whatever you suggest. You need to consider if you can live like this and if not then split. Sexual incompatibility is a big issue IMO that is often ignored in relationships. I consider it as important as imcompatibility in other major areas of the relationship to be honest.

If it's a recent thing it could be a hundred different reasons. He could be depressed or tired, just unfit, cheating on you or just not fancy you anymore. Only way you'll really know is to ask him.

[Deleted User]

Beautiful-Moose wrote: »

I think that is part of my problem, I think that having kids will end the holidays/nights out for a good while and I don't feel ready to give that all up this year or next year at least. I know it doesn't have to end my desire to travel but it will alter the holiday destinations. And I know kids don't stop nights out either but I enjoy my Friday night drink after work and not having to rush home and I know my partner enjoys his Friday nights too which is why I know he doesn't want to try for kids ASAP.

Well, you're pretty much correct. Unless you've got awesome childcare arrangements, your life is centred around your kids for quite some time. Nights out come with an added £20-30 cost to pay for babysitting. Holidays cost lots more and end up being less adventurous (not a necessity, just my experience).

You've probably got a good man there - but as one myself, we blokes get lazy and comfortable.

(We had kids when I was 29, she was 27. You get your life back a bit when they're over 5!)

He tells me everyday that he loves me and calls me gorgeous but sometimes I would like him to show me rather than tell me. Selfish? Maybe but a girl has needs and right now they aren't being met in that department but can't really tell him that without damaging his ego.

He won't know. You're over estimating his mind-reading abilities. Tell him. He'd rather have a bruised ego than an ex-girlfriend

Mojisola

Beautiful-Moose wrote: »

I am not too fussed about getting married (feel like it is a lot of money for what it is at the end of it all, a name change and a piece of paper) but I would like to one day and I know my BF would like to.

Getting married doesn't have to cost any more than the RO charges and there's no need to change your name.

The legal and financial protections that come with are well worth the cost.

However, there's no way you should be thinking about marriage until you have sorted out the problem with your sex life.

Beautiful-Moose

Beautiful-Moose, ignoring the first few months (as most couples are at it like rabbits) has the infrequent sex always been a problem or is it a new thing?

If it's been like this for most of your relationship then it's likely that is just his usual sex drive. Not everyone wants regular sex and there is nothing actually wrong with this, as long as both partners are in agreement. You could probably compromise a little but if your sex drives differ that much then it's highly likely that you won't both be happy whatever you suggest. You need to consider if you can live like this and if not then split. Sexual incompatibility is a big issue IMO that is often ignored in relationships. I consider it as important as imcompatibility in other major areas of the relationship to be honest.

If it's a recent thing it could be a hundred different reasons. He could be depressed or tired, just unfit, cheating on you or just not fancy you anymore. Only way you'll really know is to ask him.

You've probably got a good man there - but as one myself, we blokes get lazy and comfortable.

When we lived at home with our parents we didn't see each other all the time during the week maybe one night a week then we would spend Friday- Sunday nights together. We wouldn't do it every night we were together but at least once a week. I thought our sex life would improve once we moved in together but if anything it has made it worse. It maybe a case that he has got lazy and comfortable now we are together all the time?