Pre-30 panic

Guest101

mark5 wrote: »

I won't walk, there's to much to walk away from now but I sometimes wish I had when the lack of sex first become a problem. We wearn't married and there were no kids involved back then.

Not going too much off topic, it's admirable you would stay, but make sure your frustration or lack of happiness doesn't become toxic.


Kids generally are happier with 2 happy parents (even living apart) than 2 unhappy parents, even if they live together.


It's a thin line to walk. Goodluck

gonzo127

Guest101 wrote: »

Not going too much off topic, it's admirable you would stay, but make sure your frustration or lack of happiness doesn't become toxic.


Kids generally are happier with 2 happy parents (even living apart) than 2 unhappy parents, even if they live together.


It's a thin line to walk. Goodluck

as i see it this is spot on, hence the statement of not sure is stupid or strong, i personally believe in my situation, me walking was the better choice as, at least, my daughter has one happy parent, whereas when i was still living with them, she had two very unhappy parents, to the point that a 'good' month would have meant us taking our daughter out once, and usually only to somewhere like pets at home, so she could see the animals. as neither of us wanted to go out, and spend time together, due to the build up of many years of resentment.

however since i moved out, when she is with me, we do go out so much more, even if its just a walk and picnic in the park, meaning my daughter is getting to experience a life and not just an existence.

but anyways my last comment on this, as i dont want to derail this thread any further

Guest101

gonzo127 wrote: »

as i see it this is spot on, hence the statement of not sure is stupid or strong, i personally believe in my situation, me walking was the better choice as, at least, my daughter has one happy parent, whereas when i was still living with them, she had two very unhappy parents, to the point that a 'good' month would have meant us taking our daughter out once, and usually only to somewhere like pets at home, so she could see the animals. as neither of us wanted to go out, and spend time together, due to the build up of many years of resentment.

however since i moved out, when she is with me, we do go out so much more, even if its just a walk and picnic in the park, meaning my daughter is getting to experience a life and not just an existence.

but anyways my last comment on this, as i dont want to derail this thread any further

Yep exactly that, glad things are on the up for you.


Don't underestimate a picnic and a walk, it doesn't have to be Disneyland every weekend. Just having a good experience will benefit your daughter no end.


If you have a car consider visiting your nearest national trust, heritage trust etc. (age dependant)

mai_taylor

I can't believe people in on here are encouraging you to have children when you've clearly said you're not ready. You shouldn't bring a child into the world unless you're 100% sure it's what you want.

I'm 31 and have no intention of having children yet, I haven't had chance to travel and do all the things I want to do before children. Most of my friends who are the same age are only just starting to think about children and someone I work with had her daughter at 38 and has no regrets. You should do what's right for you and not what's the norm or what's expected.

ska_lover

Beautiful-Moose wrote: »

I just need a secret little place to rant/panic

I turn 30 next year and I am panicking about all the big decisions that are heading my way.

I am living with my BF of 4.5 years and we are good. We have a lovely little flat which we have been in for over a year now. However our bedroom life could be a lot better but I am sure a lot of people think that. But at 29 we can go a good 4 - 6 weeks without doing anything at all and this worries me a bit. He isn't worried and doesn't see it as an issues at all when I have spoken to him about it. He tells me everyday that he loves me and calls me gorgeous but sometimes I would like him to show me rather than tell me. Selfish? Maybe but a girl has needs and right now they aren't being met in that department but can't really tell him that without damaging his ego. We have had this chat before but nothing seems to change long term in that department. How many times do you have the same chat before you end up seeking professional help or worse, ending things?! I do love him very much so wouldn't want it to end over something like this at all. I will fight hard for our relationship because everything else is good except this deparement.

I am not too fussed about getting married (feel like it is a lot of money for what it is at the end of it all, a name change and a piece of paper) but I would like to one day and I know my BF would like to. No signs of him getting a ring any time soon though.

I know my BF really wants kids and he wants them sooner rather than later. We always said 30 would be the age we started trying. We both have debts and are paying them off slowly. Our Debt Free target is 1st Jan 2020. We will both be 32-33 by then. I would like to wait until we are debt free until we bring a kid into the world, not sure my BF would want to wait this long as he has always said he doesn't want to be an old dad and he considers 33 as old. I don't. However our bedroom life suggests to me there is no chance of an "accident" happening and I am pretty careful in that I have an implant in.

I enjoy travelling and escaping London as and when possible. I don't want to give this side of my life up too soon before babies come along. I feel like there is so much more of the world I want to see and with my BF before we become parents but I get the impression he isn't all that bothered as I am always the one planning our trips away, he has organised 1 trip away in the whole time we have been together and even then I pretty much gave him a lot of help.

My best friends are all heading off to the USA for a dream west coast holiday and it is the first girls holiday since we all started going away 10 years ago that I am not going on. It is killing me a little bit that I am not going with them (too expensive for me). Me and the BF are going away for a mini break while they are away because I couldn't stand the thought of being in work while they were all away without me. I am excited for our little adventure but still makes me sad I am not with the girls.

I feel like my BF has got too comfortable and I don't know how to get him out of the rut. I feel like I want a bit more adventure in my life at times than he does. I feel like 30 is creeping up on me and I wanted to do a bit more in life before adding the mum title to my life. I feel like I am being selfish for thinking the way I do at times. I do realise I have a good man, good friends and a good little life going for me that I wouldn't change but I would like to make a few tweaks to it, is that wrong?!

I know some people are saying none of this is a big deal - but it is. You are bored and he is acting middle aged.


I think its rather unusual for a couple in their late twenties to have already settled into a life of no bedroom activity


Don't have kids - you need to sort yourself out first, in terms of happiness. Are you wanting to be with mr pipe and slippers at 29?

onomatopoeia99

Mojisola wrote: »

If his sex drive doesn't match yours but everything else in the relationship is fine, get some sex toys and enjoy yourself on your own.

Sex is about so much more than the orgasm at the end though.

Guest101

mai_taylor wrote: »

I can't believe people in on here are encouraging you to have children when you've clearly said you're not ready. You shouldn't bring a child into the world unless you're 100% sure it's what you want.

I'm 31 and have no intention of having children yet, I haven't had chance to travel and do all the things I want to do before children. Most of my friends who are the same age are only just starting to think about children and someone I work with had her daughter at 38 and has no regrets. You should do what's right for you and not what's the norm or what's expected.

Look, it's all personal opinions and since you've decided to attack others, let's take a look at yours.


1: hundreds of millions of people have children before they're 100% sure, and it ends up being the best thing that's ever happened to the.
2: That's fine for you, you're 31, so let's say you take 2-3 years to achieve your dreams + incubation, you'll be 35 when you have your first child, in all likelihood that means you'll have one child. I'd say that's selfish on your child, studies have shown that siblings develop much better emotionally and psychologically, going on to do better academically and ultimately more successful in later life.
3: your colleague probably has many regrets, she just doesn't say so in the work environment.
4: the 'norm' is for people to have children later, a decision that many regret. I know this as many other parents, who are atleast 10-15 years my senior, feel they are unable to keep up physically with their offspring, who have bundles of energy.


You haven't had children, but speak through the experience of a co-worker, who probably doesn't tell you all the negatives.

Mojisola

surveyqueenuk wrote: »

Absolutely, if all you need is a happy ending. There are many other aspects to sex though, like intimacy, closeness, bonding, that type of thing. I'm not certain you can buy that from Lovehoney.

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Sex is about so much more than the orgasm at the end though.

But a lot of this can happen without an orgasm.

By taking away the pressure of not needing to orgasm, he might be more willing to physically share intimacy in these other ways.

Sex therapists will often ask a couple to agree not to have penetrative sex at the start of their therapy. Knowing that a cuddle or any other intimate contact won't lead to full sex usually makes couple more physical with each other because the pressure to perform has been removed.

Beautiful-Moose

Absolutely, if all you need is a happy ending. There are many other aspects to sex though, like intimacy, closeness, bonding, that type of thing. I'm not certain you can buy that from Lovehoney.

I understand that trail of thought, but I don't just want a happy ending. I want to feel wanted again. I want that passion back and I know it is there inside him, just don't know how to revive it in him. We are still intimate in that we kiss, hold hands, have cuddles etc but it really is the lack of actual sex and sexual attraction that I miss from the relationship. The quality is great, it is just the quantity that is lacking.

Sex with my wife was good when we met, once we bought a house together and got engaged it went poor, I constantly complained but got no where. 13 years on I'm married with 2 kids etc and the sex is no better now. I've made my bed now and won't leave my kids but I should have walked years ago. She did admit a few years ago that her low sex drive killed her previous long term relationship. I think she duped me at the beginning!

If sex is important to you then walk, I wish I had!

Your post has struck a cord with me. I don't want to be making the same post 13 years down the line. I want to fix this now before things get even more serious between us and the kids and marriage cards are on the table. My BF is a wonderful guy, I love him, I still fancy him like I did when we first met. I want to fix this problem between us but if it is something that can't be fixed then I feel I would have no choice but to walk way from him and our life together which would kill me to do but I would rather not be in an unhappy relationship than stick in a relationship for fear of being single again.

fairy_lights

Beautiful-Moose wrote: »

I want to fix this problem between us but if it is something that can't be fixed then I feel I would have no choice but to walk way from him and our life together which would kill me to do but I would rather not be in an unhappy relationship than stick in a relationship for fear of being single again.

It can only be fixed if you're both willing to put in the effort to fix it. If he doesn't think his sex drive is an issue is he going to be willing to even discuss the problem?