Pre-30 panic

Beautiful-Moose

I just need a secret little place to rant/panic

I turn 30 next year and I am panicking about all the big decisions that are heading my way.

I am living with my BF of 4.5 years and we are good. We have a lovely little flat which we have been in for over a year now. However our bedroom life could be a lot better but I am sure a lot of people think that. But at 29 we can go a good 4 - 6 weeks without doing anything at all and this worries me a bit. He isn't worried and doesn't see it as an issues at all when I have spoken to him about it. He tells me everyday that he loves me and calls me gorgeous but sometimes I would like him to show me rather than tell me. Selfish? Maybe but a girl has needs and right now they aren't being met in that department but can't really tell him that without damaging his ego. We have had this chat before but nothing seems to change long term in that department. How many times do you have the same chat before you end up seeking professional help or worse, ending things?! I do love him very much so wouldn't want it to end over something like this at all. I will fight hard for our relationship because everything else is good except this deparement.

I am not too fussed about getting married (feel like it is a lot of money for what it is at the end of it all, a name change and a piece of paper) but I would like to one day and I know my BF would like to. No signs of him getting a ring any time soon though.

I know my BF really wants kids and he wants them sooner rather than later. We always said 30 would be the age we started trying. We both have debts and are paying them off slowly. Our Debt Free target is 1st Jan 2020. We will both be 32-33 by then. I would like to wait until we are debt free until we bring a kid into the world, not sure my BF would want to wait this long as he has always said he doesn't want to be an old dad and he considers 33 as old. I don't. However our bedroom life suggests to me there is no chance of an "accident" happening and I am pretty careful in that I have an implant in.

I enjoy travelling and escaping London as and when possible. I don't want to give this side of my life up too soon before babies come along. I feel like there is so much more of the world I want to see and with my BF before we become parents but I get the impression he isn't all that bothered as I am always the one planning our trips away, he has organised 1 trip away in the whole time we have been together and even then I pretty much gave him a lot of help.

My best friends are all heading off to the USA for a dream west coast holiday and it is the first girls holiday since we all started going away 10 years ago that I am not going on. It is killing me a little bit that I am not going with them (too expensive for me). Me and the BF are going away for a mini break while they are away because I couldn't stand the thought of being in work while they were all away without me. I am excited for our little adventure but still makes me sad I am not with the girls.

I feel like my BF has got too comfortable and I don't know how to get him out of the rut. I feel like I want a bit more adventure in my life at times than he does. I feel like 30 is creeping up on me and I wanted to do a bit more in life before adding the mum title to my life. I feel like I am being selfish for thinking the way I do at times. I do realise I have a good man, good friends and a good little life going for me that I wouldn't change but I would like to make a few tweaks to it, is that wrong?!

AndyBSG

Beautiful-Moose wrote: »

But at 29 we can go a good 4 - 6 weeks without doing anything at all and this worries me a bit

That does seem like quite a major issue to me.

Is there an underlying issue on his side that he possibly is hiding from you? If there is then it may be something that you can discuss and seek help for.

If there isn't and the simple fact is that his sex drive is non existent then you have to ask yourself if that is something you can live with for the rest of your life or if it is likely to become an issue.

It may just be minor thing now but it's things like these which fester over time.

On the child front, there will never be a perfect time. I left it quite late in life to have my first child at 37 and I have to say I do regret it.

I'd much rather have had my daughter a few years ago than have the extra few quid in my pocket each month from paying off debts early and there will always be financial reasons to delay becoming parents but, trust me, none of those can replace the feeling of being a father/mother.

One of my biggest regrets now that I am a father is that I didn't do it earlier because the memories my daughter gives me are infinitely more treasured than the memories from holidays, nights out, etc that I was spending money on before she came along.

susieq87

i feel like i wrote this post (apart from the bedroom issue) my bf is ready to have kids as well but i dont feel i am ready for that responsibility especially when it comes to giving up spontaneous travel and for him he couldn't care less if he goes away or not, like you it is always me planning getaways! most of what you said i can relate!

my advice re the bedroom issue would be to do something about it instead of talking about it. when you do get intimate, is he into it? do you initiate or are you waiting for him to make a move?

Angry_Bear

At the risk of being a bit blunt, women's fertility starts to drop off from about 30 onwards and the decline gets quite a bit steeper from 35.
So if you want children, and especially if you want more than one, it might not be a good idea to wait until you're ready to "give up this side of life".
I hate to say it, but you often CAN'T have everything and need to decide what is important to you.

fairy_lights

Honestly you and your boyfriend don't sound very compatible, in any area of your life.
You want travel and adventure, he wants kids ASAP. Do you definitely want kids, or do you maybe want kids? Like you I am turning 30 next year and want to see and do a lot more before kids come along. Luckily for me my boyfriend is in agreement but I can imagine it must make things very difficult if one of you has a biological clock that is ticking louder than the other.
I think the sex life issue is pretty big too, people have different sex drives but 4-6 weeks of nothingness? I can't imagine that would get any better if you have kids tbh.

Beautiful-Moose

Is there an underlying issue on his side that he possibly is hiding from you? If there is then it may be something that you can discuss and seek help for.

If there isn't and the simple fact is that his sex drive is non existent then you have to ask yourself if that is something you can live with for the rest of your life or if it is likely to become an issue.

It may just be minor thing now but it's things like these which fester over time.

The past 3 weeks there has been some very clear reason behind it not happening. I was ill for one week, the following week he had a testicular cancer scare which I can imagine won't put any bloke in the mood and then the day he had his scan and got the all clear and was ready to celebrate a close family member on his side got taken in to hospital and is still in there at the moment, so we are up at the hospital most nights of the week as we live the closest to the hospital. It's all been a bit mad.
However all the time before it there wasn't anything obvious to me that would be stopping him. It is coming up to 6 weeks now. Anytime I have hinted at it he says he is tired and recently he has been worried about his family member so I feel selfish for even thinking like this right now.
I have to admit I have stopped trying as much as there are only so many time a girl can get knocked back, my confidence levels in that respect aren't high at this moment in time.

when you do get intimate, is he into it? do you initiate or are you waiting for him to make a move?

That is the most annoying and frustrating thing, when we do get down to it, it is really good. The best I have had. Maybe I am being greedy? He says I am the best he has had but now starting to doubt it. I feel in the beginning he initiated more but now it is me who does it more.

You want travel and adventure, he wants kids ASAP. Do you definitely want kids, or do you maybe want kids? Like you I am turning 30 next year and want to see and do a lot more before kids come along. Luckily for me my boyfriend is in agreement but I can imagine it must make things very difficult if one of you has a biological clock that is ticking louder than the other.

I have a gorgeous little niece and nephew who I adore. They do make me very broody but I still do enjoy the fact I can hand them back! Don't get me wrong I do want kids, love the idea of being a mum, but the idea scares me right now which is probably a huge sign I am not ready just yet to have one. Also he isn't wanting them ASAP but he does want to try for them sooner than me.

cats2012

I honestly think you both need to talk about these issues and make sure you are fully on the same page - and also agree your minimum and maximum compromises.

Plans don't always happen the way you way -I'm only 27 and it took us over a year to get pregnant so you need to be prepared that waiting til 35, for example, could really mean 36, 37 or older. And that's not just for kids - goes for everything.

It's not fair on either of you if your plans don't match up

Zeni

I am turning 30 in a couple of weeks and I've had all the same thoughts of panic about children etc... but weirdly I seem to have realised its 30. Its just another number and I cant be afraid of it or expect to have everything together yet.

I would suggest having a sit down with your OH and talking through some of these things, I know its easy to say but not to do but with my husband its always been the easiest way to get things out in the open otherwise your stuck thinking all of these things and there's a good chance he doesn't know any of these worries!

fierystormcloud

Beautiful-Moose wrote: »

I just need a secret little place to rant/panic

I turn 30 next year and I am panicking about all the big decisions that are heading my way.

I am living with my BF of 4.5 years and we are good. We have a lovely little flat which we have been in for over a year now. However our bedroom life could be a lot better but I am sure a lot of people think that. But at 29 we can go a good 4 - 6 weeks without doing anything at all and this worries me a bit.


We have had this chat before but nothing seems to change long term in that department. How many times do you have the same chat before you end up seeking professional help or worse, ending things?!


I am not too fussed about getting married (feel like it is a lot of money for what it is at the end of it all, a name change and a piece of paper) but I would like to one day and I know my BF would like to. No signs of him getting a ring any time soon though.

I know my BF really wants kids and he wants them sooner rather than later. not sure my BF would want to wait til we're debt free in 3 years as he has always said he doesn't want to be an old dad and he considers 33 as old. I don't. However our bedroom life suggests to me there is no chance of an "accident" happening and I am pretty careful in that I have an implant in.

I enjoy travelling and escaping London as and when possible. I don't want to give this side of my life up too soon before babies come along. I feel like there is so much more of the world I want to see and with my BF before we become parents but I get the impression he isn't all that bothered as I am always the one planning our trips away.

My best friends are all heading off to the USA for a dream west coast holiday and it is the first girls holiday since we all started going away 10 years ago that I am not going on. It is killing me a little bit that I am not going with them (too expensive for me). Me and the BF are going away for a mini break while they are away because I couldn't stand the thought of being in work while they were all away without me. I am excited for our little adventure but still makes me sad I am not with the girls.
!

Not doing it for 4-6 weeks at a time at 29/30 is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you are both on board with it. If he is OK and you're not, then that's a worry.

Re marriage; it most definitely is NOT just a piece of paper, and a change of name. There is so much more to marriage that just this. I can't even begin to tell you how much more marriage brings to a relationship. It makes me cringe when people say 'it's only a piece of paper.'

AndyBSG wrote: »

That does seem like quite a major issue to me.

Is there an underlying issue on his side that he possibly is hiding from you? If there is then it may be something that you can discuss and seek help for.

If there isn't and the simple fact is that his sex drive is non existent then you have to ask yourself if that is something you can live with for the rest of your life or if it is likely to become an issue.

It may just be minor thing now but it's things like these which fester over time.

On the child front, there will never be a perfect time. I left it quite late in life to have my first child at 37 and I have to say I do regret it.

I'd much rather have had my daughter a few years ago than have the extra few quid in my pocket each month from paying off debts early and there will always be financial reasons to delay becoming parents but, trust me, none of those can replace the feeling of being a father/mother.

Angry_Bear wrote: »

At the risk of being a bit blunt, women's fertility starts to drop off from about 30 onwards and the decline gets quite a bit steeper from 35.
So if you want children, and especially if you want more than one, it might not be a good idea to wait until you're ready to "give up this side of life".
I hate to say it, but you often CAN'T have everything and need to decide what is important to you.

These 2 ^^^ There is never a good time to have a child. There is no point in waiting, and yes, once you get past 30, your fertility diminishes drastically. That said, I am not sure you should be having a baby with this man, as you don't sound compatible at all. In fact, I wonder if you really want a baby, or if you just think you should have one? Because you seem to yearn for travel, fun, freedom, and friends. To be honest, what you're yearning for is what I would expect a 20 year old to be yearning for, which tells me you maybe settled down too young? Your post tells me that you feel trapped and fed up.

fairy_lights wrote: »

Honestly you and your boyfriend don't sound very compatible, in any area of your life.
You want travel and adventure, he wants kids ASAP. Do you definitely want kids, or do you maybe want kids? Like you I am turning 30 next year and want to see and do a lot more before kids come along. Luckily for me my boyfriend is in agreement but I can imagine it must make things very difficult if one of you has a biological clock that is ticking louder than the other.
I think the sex life issue is pretty big too, people have different sex drives but 4-6 weeks of nothingness? I can't imagine that would get any better if you have kids tbh.

This :T

Doozergirl

How many times do you have the same chat before you end up seeking professional help or worse, ending things?!

You make it sound like professional help is a bad thing.

Relate offer psychosexual therapy for couples. They publish books on sex in relationships as well so you can get an idea of what's involved. Or just google it.

You certainly won't think professional help is a bad thing when you're at the end of therapy and all over each other like a rash

Kynthia

The frequency of sex is not a problem of both of you are fine with it and it's good when you do it. However you being repeatedly knock back and your confidence taking a battering isn't good. This needs a proper discussion.

Marriage is not a wedding or a piece of paper. As well as the legal protections you legally become a couple and there's something powerful about making vows to each other and becoming each other's next of kin. I wouldn't consider children with someone without those legal protections for both of us, as now it doesn't matter who's bank account the savings are in for tax reasons or who has reduced their working hours more to cover chidcare. However I know people who don't marry but they should at least be aware of what marriage offers before they dismiss it and replicate some of the protections.

If you aren't ready for children yet then that's fine. Many aren't at 29 and doesn't mean you won't be in 3-5 years time. If he's not desperate to have the right now then that isn't a big incompatability. I had some fantastic holidays, weekends away, and nights out (not clubby just enjoying the freedom to go round to friend's places, parties and to lots of restaurants and comedy clubs, etc) and it did help me to feel like I'd got these things under my belt before babies. Make the most of the next three years and decide on your main two or three holiday destinations to do before children. However remember that your life isn't over after you have them and you won't always be constrained to 'family holidays' once tge children are older so you don't need to see everywhere when you are young.

Whether yiu and your partner are compatible fir the long term is something you need to decide. This is a practical 'head' not 'heart' process as loving someone doesn't make them right fir you and mean your relationship will be successful. Think about whether his personality is a good match for you and what life will bring. He's not perfect and neither are you, but can you live long term with his faults or are there any deal breakers. Do you make up for where he is lacking or where he doesn't meet a need of yours is it something that will affect you everyday or only occassionally and friends of family can meet this need? Are you compatible with money, life goals, coping with stress together, etc? Have a serious think and then decide. Then you'll need to chat about commitment and what you want with him.