How do i keep everyone happy?

AylesburyDuck

Mojisola wrote: »

But the OP's wife has been lied to - for years.

It's understandable that she's not happy.

It also very telling that the OP felt he had no alternative but to lie.
I dont think either party comes out of that looking whiter than white TBF.

FBaby

Mojisola wrote: »

But the OP's wife has been lied to - for years.

It's understandable that she's not happy.

I guess it all comes down to why he lied. If it is because had he told her is true intention not to charge them, she would have cause him a lot of grief, she had to take some responsibility for the situation.

I am struggling to understand why he would have chosen to lie though if he thought she would accept his decision.

Pollycat

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

It also very telling that the OP felt he had no alternative but to lie.
I dont think either party comes out of that looking whiter than white TBF.

FBaby wrote: »

I guess it all comes down to why he lied. If it is because had he told her is true intention not to charge them, she would have cause him a lot of grief, she had to take some responsibility for the situation.

I am struggling to understand why he would have chosen to lie though if he thought she would accept his decision.

Piggyplank wrote: »

My OH resents the fact that they all live in what is essentially my house, don’t pay any rent and she thinks we should sell the house and pay off our own current mortgage to speed up our retirement plans. I discussed this with my dad and he felt that the house was part his because he paid a lot of the bills when we first moved in. I thought we had reached a compromise when I asked if he would pay £50p/w rent to contribute to my current mortgage but he greatly resented this and I stopped asking him for it because It was badly effecting our relationship and was making me feel terrible.

I think this ^^^^ is where the OP went wrong.

The time to talk to his wife was then - 5 years ago - not lie about income coming in.
I think he lied because he didn't want any confrontation - from anybody.
I can understand that given his description of his early family life.

But in my eyes, that doesn't excuse the lie to someone he describes as his soulmate and someone who he has been making future financial plans with for at least the last year and a half.

As I said in a previous post, the wife was OK with 3 people paying £50 per week rent.

It woud be good if the OP came back and commented futher on the points raised.

Piggyplank

Once again thanks for all the comments, it is really useful getting different people's take on things.

My OH does earn more money than me but i put a sizeable deposit down on our current home but the more i think about it i know the finances are not the issue. I think the reason my OH is annoyed (besides the lying) is the fact she thinks my family are taking advantage of me. The only person who knows everything about my childhood is my OH and i think she thinks my dad could have done a lot more to get us out of the situation when i was younger.

The reality is i didn't need to take the rest of my family with me when i left home and besides paying the mortgage i also contributed to bills but perhaps i should have put something more formal in place in terms of setting out everyone's responsibilities.

At the time i thought i was helping all concerned and people would rebuild like i did but when i reflect i think resentment is building in me in the way everyone seems to still rely on me even after all this time has passed. Maybe i'm being unrealistic and a little bit selfish.

Pollycat

Piggyplank wrote: »

Once again thanks for all the comments, it is really useful getting different people's take on things.

My OH does earn more money than me but i put a sizeable deposit down on our current home but the more i think about it i know the finances are not the issue. I think the reason my OH is annoyed (besides the lying) is the fact she thinks my family are taking advantage of me. The only person who knows everything about my childhood is my OH and i think she thinks my dad could have done a lot more to get us out of the situation when i was younger.

The reality is i didn't need to take the rest of my family with me when i left home and besides paying the mortgage i also contributed to bills but perhaps i should have put something more formal in place in terms of setting out everyone's responsibilities.

At the time i thought i was helping all concerned and people would rebuild like i did but when i reflect i think resentment is building in me in the way everyone seems to still rely on me even after all this time has passed. Maybe i'm being unrealistic and a little bit selfish.

You are most certainly not being selfish.

I would agree with your wife that your family - especially now you've also said you used to contribute to bills as well as pay all the mortgage - are taking advantage of your kind and generous nature.

Kynthia

Only some personality types rebuild themselves after a bad childhood if everything is being provided for them. They have no need and no drive to do so. Some even with the need won't but you don't know if your siblings are like that or not. Perhaps if they needed to provide a roof over their head themselves, after initially finding it difficult they would thrive.

I think you need to get tougher with your family, but do it with the support and agreement of your wife. Discuss the situation and come up with a plan and timescale together.

paddy's_mum

Piggyplank wrote: »

i know the finances are not the issue

You're right - they're not. In fact, you state yourself that you are in a comfortable position. What you've done by covering up the truth for so long is rock the foundations of the relationship and, as I see it, remedying that is your greatest challenge. I was heartened to hear you say that she was still talking and listening to you so there's plenty of room for hope - but not if you're ever caught lying again!

I think the reason my OH is annoyed (besides the lying) is the fact she thinks my family are taking advantage of me

She's right again. It's very hard when you love someone to see them being used as a doormat and I suggest to you that she's a decent woman if she's managed to keep her temper with them up till now. I'm quite sure that in her shoes, I'd eventually have been round there and told them a home truth or two, not least about the pressure they are putting you under.

i think resentment is building in me

Several posters have already said that you need to deal with this and the looming depression as soon as you can for no good can come of this living in limbo-land.


Maybe i'm being ... a little bit selfish[/QUOTE]

Pardon?!!! I think not. I don't know many who would have given so freely and uncomplainingly as you and in any case, perhaps it's about time you put yourself first since these ungrateful scroungers seem to be completely unaware of even basic integrity and decency.

Thanks for coming back with updates and as before, good luck with sorting it all out.

Mojisola

Piggyplank wrote: »

I think the reason my OH is annoyed (besides the lying) is the fact she thinks my family are taking advantage of me.

And she's right.

Don't you think that they are? You are asking three adults to pay about £16 a week each and yet they are refusing and want to live for free for ever.

There will be several hundreds of pounds coming into that house every week and they don't appreciate you enough to find a few pounds for you.

Kaye1

Piggyplank- there has been some useful advice on here.
On the other hand- I urge you to take some of it with a pinch of salt. Those people who confidently assert they would throw the family out of the flat- in real life, they wouldn't. Some people would, I grant you that- but those people, when faced with actual people wouldn't act in the way they say they would.
It seems that you have needed to become the Dad- and while it can be upsetting/annoying, it is obvious that you have been the strongest one.
Perhaps your OH feels the 'injustice.'
However- if you take a look back, is there really an injustice? You have a wife you adore, a good life, financially stable and you have managed to conquer the cruddy start that life gave you. The other people in your family haven't done that. If that is down to laziness/weakness only you can decide- but through hard work and dedication, you have managed to make a good life for yourself.
You know that if you evict your family, the chances are, you will lose contact with them. I totally agree with them making a contribution, being more responsible etc but if you evict them, you know that will cause a fracture that will be hard to fix.
Oh and buy your wife the best bunch of flowers she has ever had.

AylesburyDuck

Mojisola wrote: »

And she's right.

Don't you think that they are? You are asking three adults to pay about £16 a week each and yet they are refusing and want to live for free for ever.

There will be several hundreds of pounds coming into that house every week and they don't appreciate you enough to find a few pounds for you.

Agreed, although i still cant see the wife as totally blameless or 100% right.
She may be right in that they are taking advantage, but i still see her early retirement plans are a manipulation of a purely self driven agenda, not taking into account her husbands feelings/stress on the matter.
He needs to be more assertive, but she also needs to look to her motives.