How do i keep everyone happy?

Detroit

Callie22 wrote: »

Just to comment on the bit in bold - the OPs wife didn't 'know and accept' the OPs commitments because he didn't tell her the truth about them. He told her that he had a house, his family lived there but they paid £200 a month, which she was happy with. However, that wasn't the truth and that's what's caused the issue here.

Personally, if I were in the OPs wife's situation I'd be mightily annoyed - I wouldn't have a problem with my OH having a property and letting his family live there, but I'd be annoyed if I then found out that the money I thought was coming in to support that commitment actually wasn't. There's an awful lot that we don't know about this whole situation - who has been covering maintenance and repair costs, for example? Houses don't cost 'nothing' just because the mortgage has been paid off. Has the OP been subsidising these costs over the years? If so then the wife has a right to be annoyed because it's 'their' jointly earned income that's been subsidising 'his' family - and even if the OP has just been using 'his' wage to cover these costs then that's just another lie isn't it? We don't know anything about the OPs financial situation - perhaps they've been 'struggling' financially, perhaps the OPs wife is unwell and early retirement is more of a 'need' than a 'desire'.

More broadly, I'd also be annoyed if I married someone and then got told that something like this was none of my business and I shouldn't have an opinion on it - especially not if I felt that 'my' earnings were being used to support my partner's family. I don't think that's fair at all and the OP can't have it both ways - he either needs to ensure that his family support themselves or he needs to accept that if he's using joint earnings to subsidise them (which he is, however broadly you want to interpret it) then his wife is going to have an opinion. The fact that mortgage was 'paid off' before they married is irrelevant - having a second property is going to have had a financial impact throughout the marriage and is probably going to have had an influence on financial decisions that they've made as a couple. To expect the OPs wife to just 'put up and shut up' is unfair, IMO.

The OP told his wife five years ago that his family were paying.

Unless the marriage is only five years old (which would make the property even less 'theirs') his wife met him and was married to him knowing the family situation.

The OP describes himself as comfortable, not 'struggling' and there is no indication his wife is retiring on health grounds, rather to travel and enjoy life.

It's correct we don't have all the facts, but shouldn't ignore those we do have, or add new ones to support his wife's position.

I maintain that from the information given, no one is acting in the OPs interest without prioritizing their own position.

The OP sounds a caring man, trying his best to please others and is being taken advantage of on one hand and pressured on the other.

I hope he has some form of support to help him protect his interests.

theoretica

Dird wrote: »

Also the comments criticising how OPs wife was assuming there was an extra £200/month in the household...who cares? She's gone ages and never noticed so it's not as if that missing £200/month has meant them walking around with gas & electric switched off. It's had no material effect on her current lifestyle

Who cares?!?
If I thought I had £12k in savings (£200 a month for 5 years) and found I didn't it wouldn't have changed my lifestyle over the past years, but I would certainly care. Would you really not? It would impact on future plans.

Dird

theoretica wrote: »

Who cares?!?
If I thought I had £12k in savings (£200 a month for 5 years) and found I didn't it wouldn't have changed my lifestyle over the past years, but I would certainly care. Would you really not? It would impact on future plans.

You would have been disappointed regardless then as a chunk of that would have gone on taxes and repairs (rent free you won't kick up a fuss but if you're paying a monthly fee then you expect repairs done).

Somerset

Detroit wrote: »

The OP sounds a caring man, trying his best to please others and is being taken advantage of on one hand and pressured on the other.

I agree the OP sounds like a nice guy. My instinct is that the wife isn't so much pressurising the OP, it's that she thinks the same as the OP, that is he is being taken for a mug. And because he feels that, the £50 pw lie was proving to her, that it wasn't the case. Saving face if you like.


He has no 'commitment' to fund his family. It evolved, no plan or intention. No long term promise. He got a mortgage because dad couldn't. He felt his dad a kindred spirit, also abused by mum. Probably wanted to stay close to some of his family. Then he moved on. Siblings moved in, then out, then in again. Dad didn't tell him. He mentioned somewhere that his family never come to visit him.


I believe the OP when he said both he and the wife want to retire early and travel. Enjoy life. But he has this family situation/house like an albatross round his neck. He's asked for a nominal £200 pm - rejected, he's offered 50% of the net sale proceeds to dad - rejected. He just wants out of this situation.

spadoosh

tesuhoha wrote: »

If its that easy, why can't the siblings find an extra job for £50 a week? Are they helpless? There are two of them and they are living rent free unlike her.

Incidentally, its not just a 'relationship' you are talking about. She is his wife.

Im under the impression that theyre unfit to work due to anxiety and depression as the OP stated.

Forgive me, my understanding is that if someone is your wife, you are in a marital relationship, maybe i should've extrapolated further.

The OP hasnt really helped themselves and by trying to please everyone risks making it worse. There is fairly easy solutions to resolve it, it just depends how much of a 'bad' person the OP wants to be.

All ive said is i woudlnt reneg on an arrangement i was originally happy with, with my family, because i got a new Mrs and decided i want to retire earlier. I know my parents made sacrifices for me i owe them my life and no amount of stiffing me with regards to money will change that.



@ Ska lover - replaceable but you would either have to pay someone else more or employ a few different people

Pollycat

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I really can't see why Mrs Piggyplank is getting all this malicious commentary when the OP clearly states that HE is the one feeling resentful, taken for granted, anxious, depressed and used.

I'd also point out that Mr and Mrs Piggyplank aspire to retire early and travel. As he says, THEY have been "talking a lot" which does not suggest to me that he is being forced, compelled or in any way bullied into making a decision about the house just to shut Mrs up!

If we accept for the sake of argument that Dad is half owner and the rental value is £600 a month, surely as a matter of fairness Dad ought to be paying £300. As it is, he's not paying anything and if that isn't leeching, I don't know what is.

If Dad hasn't got a lot of money left over, then he needs to apply for the appropriate top-up benefits. It is not OP's job nor obligation to fund him as though he's a helpless, deeply dependent child with severe learning difficulties who can never be cast adrift.

If Dad needs to find a fair and reasonable rent, then surely his other adult children need to pay up their fair share, anxiety etc notwithstanding. Many similar threads on this forum almost always agree that being completely funded/subsidised by parents is grossly unfair to those parents and morally reprehensible on the part of the taking child. I cannot see why this situation is any different except that in this case, there is not even the residual obligation of a parent since these are siblings not offspring. £50 a week to house three adults is the bargain of the century and yet these three decline to pay even that!

There's giving a helping hand and there's being taken advantage of to the nth degree and I find it no wonder that loyal Mrs Piggyplank has had enough of it! If I'm going to be working my socks off to support some cause, I'd at least like the privilege of choosing who is going to benefit from my efforts. She's been an angel in my opinion :A and doesn't deserve the adverse comments.

I agree with this ^^^^.

A peek at the OP's first thread maybe gives some context to the way the OP's wife is feeling.

She was and (maybe still is) earning 65% more than the OP.
There were 2 properties plus the one the OP & his wife are living in.
Both were 'rented out' - as at Dec 2014.

Maybe the 2nd property not mentioned in this thread belonged to the OP's wife before they got together.
The OP's house is mortgage free, the other house had a fair amount of equity in it (£73k off a value of £150k) and the rental amount for that property is presumably adding to the household income.

Personally, I think this would be a deal-breaker for me:

Piggyplank wrote: »

Five years have passed since we had this discussion and for some inexplicable reason I have been telling my OH that my dad has been paying the £50p/w and she has been happy with this. Unfortunately, last week she found out I have been lying to her and this has really upset us both. I feel terrible for lying to her and know I am entirely at fault, I feel a complete idiot for potentially ruining my new perfect life and can’t believe I have lied to my soul mate.

I would be bloody furious if my partner and I had had conversations about pensions and investments and early retirement and jointly overpaying our existing mortgage and then had lied to me in this way.
It wouldn't be about the money at all, although the £13k is not an insignificant amount.

The OP admits his wife was happy about charging £50 per week rent which seems not a lot for 3 people so I think she does understand the OP's position regarding his family.

FBaby

Totally agree with Detroit. The arrangement of free accomodation was in place before OP got married so there was nothing for her to lose. She then decided that they were taking advantage and that they should contribute. OP lied and wife was satisfied which clearly means that during all this time she never noticed let alone missed that money.

It sounds to me that she resents working (or the hours she puts in) and is resentful of OP's family getting free accomodation. Fair enough but the issue is putting pressure on OP for him to change an arrangement that he was happy with before he made a fuss

I totally agree with Detroit that he should do what HE wants which clearly until now was to let his family rent free and therefore have the confidence to tell his wife not to get involved.

My OH is not happy that I don't take my ex up for not paying maintenance for the children hence reducing our joint income. I hedge my reasons though and explained them to him. He still doesn't agree but totally accept it is my decision. If he'd put me under pressure as OP wife had done I wouldn't have taken It well at all.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

My OH is not happy that I don't take my ex up for not paying maintenance for the children hence reducing our joint income. I hedge my reasons though and explained them to him. He still doesn't agree but totally accept it is my decision. If he'd put me under pressure as OP wife had done I wouldn't have taken It well at all.

How would he feel if you'd lied to him for years, telling him that your ex was paying money every month?

FBaby

I wouldn't have because I wouldn't have needed to. I told him that I understood how he felt but that I was sticking to my position and he respected it without any resentment.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

I wouldn't have because I wouldn't have needed to. I told him that I understood how he felt but that I was sticking to my position and he respected it without any resentment.

But the OP's wife has been lied to - for years.

It's understandable that she's not happy.