How do i keep everyone happy?

Piggyplank

Looking for advice

I come from a very dysfunctional family and had a terrible childhood, my mother was a horrible person and subjected the whole family to all forms of emotional abuse, neglect and bullying. My dad also suffered a lot of abuse himself but stuck by us and always worked hard to pay the bills.

As soon as I got a job my dad and I decided to leave, my dad couldn’t get a mortgage but I could so we moved in together and made an agreement that he pay the majority of the bills and I pay the mortgage.

Although it was a real struggle at first after a while I managed to come to deal with the demons of my childhood and worked hard on sorting my life out. I did a lot of overtime at work and payed the mortgage off inside 12yrs. As my job started to pay better I started to contribute a lot more to the monthly bills.

During this time, I found it very difficult to form relationships and decided to change this, about seven years ago I met the most amazing woman and I can honestly say I have never been happier, she Is a true soul mate and we do everything together, we both have a passion for travelling and have been to some amazing places. We got married and bought a house together and have been talking a lot about retiring early and travelling a lot more.

Since I left my old house my dad has continued to live there and has also been joined by my sister and younger brother. My dad Is now 69 and semi-retired with a normal pension and not much else, my brother and sister are both mid 30’s and have never worked as they both suffer with anxiety and depression.

My OH resents the fact that they all live in what is essentially my house, don’t pay any rent and she thinks we should sell the house and pay off our own current mortgage to speed up our retirement plans. I discussed this with my dad and he felt that the house was part his because he paid a lot of the bills when we first moved in. I thought we had reached a compromise when I asked if he would pay £50p/w rent to contribute to my current mortgage but he greatly resented this and I stopped asking him for it because It was badly effecting our relationship and was making me feel terrible.

Five years have passed since we had this discussion and for some inexplicable reason I have been telling my OH that my dad has been paying the £50p/w and she has been happy with this. Unfortunately, last week she found out I have been lying to her and this has really upset us both. I feel terrible for lying to her and know I am entirely at fault, I feel a complete idiot for potentially ruining my new perfect life and can’t believe I have lied to my soul mate.

I am trying to repair the damage done but am struggling to keep everyone happy and this has all started to bring back all the problems of the past and I am starting to feel anxious and depressed again, all the things I worked hard to get rid of and haven’t experienced for a long time.

I have no idea what to do for the best do I sell the house, ask for rent, sell the house and split with dad or ignore it and write it off? I’m really starting to resent the fact that I make every effort to go and see my family but they never ever come and visit me and sometimes feel like a free meal ticket for them.

I am also conscious that me and my dad made an agreement when we first moved in and don’t want to leave him without a place to live. I am in a reasonable place financially but do have a mortgage outstanding which I won't pay off until I am 65. Part of me thinks I am being selfish because my family don't have anything but also I have worked hard to get where I am today.

Would really appreciate opinions (even if they are critical and brutal) and wonder what people would do in my situation.

paddy's_mum

You may already have lost your partner!

How can she ever trust you again since you have told a mountain of lies by omission, over many years. I've been in her shoes and was constantly wondering 'what else has he lied about/covered up?' Doubt and lack of faith are corrosive.

I've also been in her shoes where my husband put his family first, expecting me to be tolerant and understanding. Nope! I'm a wife not an extra parent to his family.

Your greatest efforts, in my view, must first lie with repairing your relationship and then, hopefully together, deal with the family members and the house.

Good luck.

KxMx

I say put your partner first.

Yes you made an agreement with Dad but things change, and everyone needs to evolve alongside that. The arrangement may work for him now but it doesn't for you so time for a re-assessment.

It sounds like Dad resented paying the £50 per week, refused a reasonable compromise & doesn't make much effort with you. So being brutal here where is your incentive to help him putting your relationship with OH at risk.

I'm assuming your siblings get benefits and don't live on fresh air, so that's multiple incomes going into that house. With no rent to pay I'd guess their disposable money is likely to be high. They should all be paying you some form of rent, otherwise I'd sell the house and leave them to find something elsewhere. Whether you give Dad a portion is up to you. I would be considering 25% not 50%.

jetplane

Taking into account your upbringing I would guess that you avoid conflict at all costs and this situation will be bringing all of your past anxiety to the surface? Whilst I don't condone your lying about the money I can see how the situation happened.

One thing for sure is that you will never keep everyone happy and you may make yourself ill trying. Well done you for moving on with your life.

First you need to discuss this with your partner, in seven years she must know you well and your background and hopefully have come to some understanding of the dynamics of your family relationship. Not all partners would resent the support you give your family, however she may see that their dependency is deeper than free rent. Do not assume that this is the end of your relationship but you may have to make some difficult decisions.

Have you considered that your family could claim housing benefit to pay rent if your siblings don't work and your father is on a low income? Your father may have believed that he would always have a place to live, however your siblings are there now and you need to put the tenancy and rental on a formal basis.

(That is if you decide not to sell)

Good Luck

paddy's_mum

Is your father's name on the deeds to the house because if not, and he/they start to pay rent, you will find yourself caught up in a potentially sticky situation of being a landlord, with all the legally enforceable obligations that entails.

This is a right mess and I earnestly recommend that you seek good legal advice in order to avoid the most obvious pitfalls you are facing. Good luck.

Marvel1

Piggyplank wrote: »

My OH resents the fact that they all live in what is essentially my house, don’t pay any rent and she thinks we should sell the house and pay off our own current mortgage to speed up our retirement plans.

I'm thinking this is all arranged before she came onto the scene and should butt out, I know married and all this 50/50 blah blah blah, but she sounds to me like she is jealous that she is a paying a mortgage and your Dad is not.

LKRDN_Morgan

Lets say this was a husband and wife not father and son(?)

Husband paid the mortgage whilst wife covered the bills. Husband goes his separate way then comes back and says he want to sell the house and use it to pay off current mortgage.
There would be UPROAR on here about how the wife has also contributed, it's half hers etc etc.

Presumably without your dad covering the bills you wouldn't have been able to pay the mortgage off as quick as you did? If that's the case selling and using the money for your current house is unfair.

By all means enforce rent but if I was in your fathers shoes and you tried to sell I'd fight for a percentage of the profits.

ska_lover

You cant make EVERYONE happy - you need to concentrate on yourself


If it were me, I would sell the house.


I know this comes with a great deal of emotion for you, but your siblings and dad, have had a free ride off of you for a long long time, and yes they are going to dig their heels in


You have worked very hard to make a life for yourself whilst struggling with the demons of your past - and you are not accountable that your siblings have not done the same. Some people move on and others sit looking in the rear view mirror all their lives and almost 'dine out' on the fact that they were once, a victim of something horrendous.


I really think that if you put your partner first you will be doing the right thing - she is your future. Your dad and siblings seem to be taking the mickey out of you.


Do not let this situation make you anxious. You have done far more for them, then they have done for themselves. What have you got to feel guilty about?

Anglea

Hi, it seems to me from your account that you were fine about the family arrangements until your OH started putting you under pressure about retiring early and paying off the mortgage on the second house, hence you ended up lying to her your dad's contributions.

Because your mental health is beginning to deteriorate again it would be better if you could put any confrontations with your family on hold and I hope your OH will understand to back off too.

If there are to be any significant changes they should be done at a time when you are feeling much stronger and able to deal with everyone's reactions not at a time when you are feeling more stressed.

If you're questioning why they don't make an effort to visit I'm guessing it's either down to their mental health or they know the OH doesn't approve of them.

AylesburyDuck

KxMx wrote: »

I say put your partner first.

Yes you made an agreement with Dad but things change, and everyone needs to evolve alongside that. The arrangement may work for him now but it doesn't for you so time for a re-assessment.

It sounds like Dad resented paying the £50 per week, refused a reasonable compromise & doesn't make much effort with you. So being brutal here where is your incentive to help him putting your relationship with OH at risk.

I'm assuming your siblings get benefits and don't live on fresh air, so that's multiple incomes going into that house. With no rent to pay I'd guess their disposable money is likely to be high. They should all be paying you some form of rent, otherwise I'd sell the house and leave them to find something elsewhere. Whether you give Dad a portion is up to you. I would be considering 25% not 50%.

Agreed, it's upto all three to find that 50 quid a week, split three ways it's a tiny cost for a roof over heads.
However i wouldnt be giving him any portion of the house if it were sold. OK he paid bills, so what, you paid interest on a mortgage. He could have been paying not only bills but rent as well had it not been for you. You dont repay someones kindness by taking part of what they have. Nasty.
BUT i wouldnt be selling the roof over his head either, he should pay his way.

cjdavies wrote: »

I'm thinking this is all arranged before she came onto the scene and should butt out, I know married and all this 50/50 blah blah blah, but she sounds to me like she is jealous that she is a paying a mortgage and your Dad is not.

But i'm also agreeing in part with this as well.
She clearly has a self centred streak and a loose moral compass where family is concerned, which would set alarm bells ringing with me. Her attitude seems the polar opposite of your protecting your family nature.
While i agree partners come first, i would say not at the exception of decent family values.

SailorSam

From things that have happended in my own life i wouldn't even think twice to kick your Brother & Sister out. I think i'd find it a lot harder to see my Mum on the street even if she'd upset me.
As others have said you need to make-the-peace with your partner first, she's the most important. Then try and come sort of compromise with your Dad, even if it means writing off the money you've lost in the past. If you sold the house and gave your Dad a share, could he get a small flat. Check with your Council do they have any sort of aged housing.