How do i keep everyone happy?

Mojisola

Piggyplank wrote: »

Looking back I have made some huge mistakes but I am someone who always takes responsibility for my actions.

It is clear to me that there is no way I can ask my dad to leave but I feel deeply let down by my family, is this a good enough reason to fall out with them I just don’t know.

You are a shining example for the rest of your family.

Instead of doing what you have done, they have decided to sponge off you for as long as you let them. You don't owe your siblings anything and, if they aren't going to behave better, you would be better with them out of your life.

Your father is a different matter but he has at least 155.60 coming in every week and yet he refuses to pay you anything?

There have been a range of suggestions given in earlier posts -
talk them through with your wife and then present several options to your father for him to chose what he wants to do.

As you are a married couple, I think you and your wife should be standing together on this - if your wife has broad shoulders and it would reduce your stress, she can take the 'blame' of the changes you want to make.

FBaby

So the situation is that you and your wife have acted responsible in your life and made decision to invest for your future. Your father and clearly siblings have clearly not. I can understand that from your wife's perspective, this is considered a massive weakness leading her to wonder why you (as in you and her) should be penalised because of it.

I totally understand where she is coming from. What she is failing to consider though, is that although I am getting from your post that you share that feeling, you are also torn to the fact that you feel some level of pity for your family that means that you can't be as clear cut with them as she would be.

Ultimately, perfect or far from it, they remain your family. The issue is that clearly they are trying to make you feel guilty when you are asking them for payment and what is not clear (and maybe not clear for you either) is whether they have a point doing so (because of the past and the fact that maybe they haven't had the same chances than you, because they are genuinely struggling financially), or whether they are manipulating your emotions to get an easy life.

What your wife needs to realise is that if indeed they are manipulating you, or at least that's what she thinks, her putting pressure on you to do something about it is not that different to the pressure they are putting on you to do nothing. As it's been said before, it should be about you assessing the situation and making a decision based on your perception and yours only. If that is that you don't want to charge your dad/siblings, let alone kick them out, then your wife will have to respect that, however much it annoys her.

Mojisola

Piggyplank wrote: »

about seven years ago I met the most amazing woman and I can honestly say I have never been happier,

she Is a true soul mate and we do everything together

We got married and bought a house together and have been talking a lot about retiring early and travelling a lot more.

for some inexplicable reason I have been telling my OH that my dad has been paying the £50p/w and she has been happy with this.

Unfortunately, last week she found out I have been lying to her and this has really upset us both.

I feel a complete idiot for potentially ruining my new perfect life and can’t believe I have lied to my soul mate.

FBaby wrote: »

If that is that you don't want to charge your dad/siblings, let alone kick them out, then your wife will have to respect that, however much it annoys her.

But she doesn't have to respect that decision.

If she feels that, despite being soul mates, he is going to put his family above her, she may decide to cut her losses and divorce him.

The combination of being lied to for years and him wanting to continue funding his siblings may be too much for her.

InA

Piggyplank wrote: »

Looking for advice

My OH resents the fact that they all live in what is essentially my house, don’t pay any rent and she thinks we should sell the house and pay off our own current mortgage to speed up our retirement plans. I discussed this with my dad and he felt that the house was part his because he paid a lot of the bills when we first moved in. I thought we had reached a compromise when I asked if he would pay £50p/w rent to contribute to my current mortgage but he greatly resented this and I stopped asking him for it because It was badly effecting our relationship and was making me feel terrible.

Five years have passed since we had this discussion and for some inexplicable reason I have been telling my OH that my dad has been paying the £50p/w and she has been happy with this. Unfortunately, last week she found out I have been lying to her and this has really upset us both. I feel terrible for lying to her and know I am entirely at fault, I feel a complete idiot for potentially ruining my new perfect life and can’t believe I have lied to my soul mate.

The bottom line is that your wife has no claim on the house you bought with your father. It was purchased and paid for before you even met or married your wife. Likewise, without your father's contribution to the expense (household bills) of running a house you would probably not have bought it and/or paid it off so soon.

You said you could take some harsh criticism so I would question why your wife's lust for money (a measly £50 per week) is so great that she would rather see you make your father (who has more of a claim on your house than she does) and siblings homeless, and damage your relationship with them in the process? How much of a soulmate is she, if she can't empathise with where you and your family have come from, and the things you've had to deal with together?

In your situation, I honestly wouldn't feel guilty about lying, if that's what it took to placate your wife. If she makes you feel guilty about it then she's even worse and more manipulative than the impression I currently have of her.

Piggyplank wrote: »

I’m really starting to resent the fact that I make every effort to go and see my family but they never ever come and visit me and sometimes feel like a free meal ticket for them.

Maybe they don't visit you because of your wife? Perhaps they feel like they are impinging on her space if they visit you at your house? Is someone suggesting to you that your family thinks of you as a free meal ticket, or do you seriously entertain that thought?

Mojisola

InA wrote: »

The bottom line is that your wife has no claim on the house you bought with your father.

What makes you think that?

They've been married for long enough for all their finances to be shared. The house he bought is just as much an asset of the marriage as the one they live in and the one that is in her name.

InA

barbiedoll wrote: »

Everyone seems to be forgetting that the house in question is not "OP's house"....he is married, has been for a long time by the sound of things, and therefore the house belongs to him AND his wife.

Technically the house is an asset acquired before the marriage. It's not as cut and dried as a 50/50 split of all assets once you're married. If the OP were to divorce, any financial settlement would certainly take into consideration the father's contribution over the period the property was purchased and also the fact that he lives in it!

Edited to add:

Mojisola wrote: »

What makes you think that?

They've been married for long enough for all their finances to be shared. The house he bought is just as much an asset of the marriage as the one they live in and the one that is in her name.

Sorry crossposted. Please see my post above. Seven years of marriage is not a long time, and having / not having children also makes a difference.

Detroit

The link to the other post provided by Pollycat does indicate that the OP and wife appear to have pooled their assets, giving his wife more entitlement to have her say that it originally appeared to me.

That said, I still consider her attitude harsh.

They appear to be more than comfortable as a couple, and with their income and assets, £50 a week seems a rather petty sum to be causing all this upset over.

The couple are 42 and 45, with three houses, a large pension pot and an additional £150k. In this context, an extra £2500 a year is not going to make or break their retirement plans.

While I think as a matter of principle the family should be paying; I would question whether to insist on this, at the expense of OPs peace of mind, and the risk of further rifts in a family with difficult history, is really worth it.

I do not think the wife should put the OP under pressure, but allow him to make the decision he feels most comfortable with.

FBaby

Mojisola wrote: »

But she doesn't have to respect that decision.

If she feels that, despite being soul mates, he is going to put his family above her, she may decide to cut her losses and divorce him.

The combination of being lied to for years and him wanting to continue funding his siblings may be too much for her.

I guess that's where different people see things differently. If I was in OP's boot and my OH was forcing me to do something I didn't want to do for HIS own satisfaction, I would be out of the relationship, because I would be too worried of what's to come with him expecting his own ways each time we disagreed.

I think it has already gone too far anyway as OP felt he had no choice but to lie rather than confront his wife and that shows that he already felt trapped by the demands of his wife.

FBaby

The link to the other post provided by Pollycat does indicate that the OP and wife appear to have pooled their assets, giving his wife more entitlement to have her say that it originally appeared to me.

I agree too, but the matter is not about money but about family. If it were strangers in the house and OP wanted to charge rent at half what they could get just because they are nice, then yes, I could understand that OP's wife would make demands. This would be about a business deal.

When family is involved, it changes the whole situation. It is true that we only have one family and sometimes you have to accept that they are far from perfect, but it is still the family we have been handed so you cope with their imperfections, just because, you never know when they might be there for you later in life when you really need them.

Redacted

As more information comes out, I struggle to believe the wife's objections are about £50 a week income.

If it were me, I think the initial discussions about the rent would have come about because of the inequality of the treatment of the respective houses.

A number of people feel the wife has zero rights about the ops house, but have made no comment about the fact the op is directly benefitting from the rent from his wife's house and hopes to benefit from the equity in it in their retirement.

With the setup as it is with his Dad, the wife now has no real expectation of the same in return from the ops house.

Given she has thought for 5 years that both their houses were forming part of their retirement plan but now she finds it's just her house and the op has apparently reached a different decision 5 years ago about his house, I would be hacked off too.

It smacks of people feeling the op should act in a "what yours is mine, but what's mine is mine as well" standpoint.

To be fair, either both houses are in the pot and the family living free situation is resolved, or the ops wife gets to treat her house as just hers, and nothing to do with the op and his retirement plans. I feel it's unfair on the wife otherwise.