How do i keep everyone happy?

AylesburyDuck

Pollycat wrote: »

OK.
I'm fine with that.

ETA:
I'm not sure what questions I neglected to answer.
If you hadn't declared yourself 'out' (whatever that means), perhaps you would have got the answers you feel are missing.

Did you really stew on that for 12 hours before your edit :rotfl::rotfl:
Also please note, that statement didnt have a question mark either! :rotfl::rotfl:

paddy's_mum

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

Regaurdless of he said this/ he said that, what did he DO? Actions speak far louder than words.

To a certain extent, I agree with this viewpoint but oh, gosh! If Mrs Piggyplank views the whole issue in such narrow terms, with no element of understanding, forgiveness or re-assessment, then OP can expect divorce papers through the letterbox tomorrow morning, if they haven't already been handed to him!

Detroit

paddy's_mum wrote: »

To a certain extent, I agree with this viewpoint but oh, gosh! If Mrs Piggyplank views the whole issue in such narrow terms, with no element of understanding, forgiveness or re-assessment, then OP can expect divorce papers through the letterbox tomorrow morning, if they haven't already been handed to him![/Q

Hopefully Mrs PP can differentiate between a malicious self serving deceit and the lie told by the OP in the attempt to help others.

IMO Mrs PP should be very thankful to be married to such a man, as his care for his relatives could be seen as an indicator of what she might expect should she ever need support.

If she ends the relationship because of this, I think she may have cause for regret, as people with the OPs values are not a dime a dozen.

AylesburyDuck

Detroit wrote: »

paddy's_mum wrote: »

To a certain extent, I agree with this viewpoint but oh, gosh! If Mrs Piggyplank views the whole issue in such narrow terms, with no element of understanding, forgiveness or re-assessment, then OP can expect divorce papers through the letterbox tomorrow morning, if they haven't already been handed to him![/Q

Hopefully Mrs PP can differentiate between a malicious self serving deceit and the lie told by the OP in the attempt to help others.

IMO Mrs PP should be very thankful to be married to such a man, as his care for his relatives could be seen as an indicator of what she might expect should she ever need support.

If she ends the relationship because of this, I think she may have cause for regret, as people with the OPs values are not a dime a dozen.

^^^^^^^^^^^^
so so much this
It's a shame there isnt a jumping up and down clapping button.
Oh wait!
:j:j:j:T:T

d70cw6

typical entitled special snowflake millennial.

Piggyplank

Ok so I’m feeling a bit more rational about the situation now, as you can imagine this has been on my mind a lot and I can honestly say this thread has really helped me in my thinking. When I posted I wasn’t looking for sympathy although I really appreciate some of the kind words spoken about me, I guess I wanted to get a variety of opinions and that's exactly what I got. I have read every reply and taken each point of view on board and come to the conclusion there is no black and white answer.

I have had a massive heart to heart with the wife and told her exactly my reasoning behind my lying to her. I know there is never any justification in lying to someone but she tells me she understands why I did it and knows that my reasoning is exactly why she loves me. She has told me her reasoning behind wanting to make my family contribute at least a token effort but also tells me that she doesn’t want to make me feel bad and we should forget about it and find other ways to fulfil our goals.

I have been thinking hard about the reason why I lied and although my wife has forgiven me I don’t find my actions are acceptable. Although all my intentions have been to try and help others I can see that I failed at this and chose to ignore the fact to avoid confrontation. Looking back a lot of my decisions have been based on weakness and self-pity, a characteristic of myself that I hate and worked hard to improve when I was younger e.g. I felt massive rejection from my mother so I don’t want to go through the same feelings with my dad/brother/sister if I ask them to leave.

I have come to the conclusion that this still needs to be resolved and am building myself up to arranging a cards on the table, no bs meeting where I tell everyone exactly how I feel. I don’t think the situation is fair and I don’t think it can continue and if they hate me saying that then so be it.

I’m going to give them my ideas and ask what they think should happen

We carry on as we are

Wife rightly blames me for not standing up for myself and both her and me both resent the situation. Something could happen to dad leaving me with an impossible decision on evicted sister and brother. They can’t get another place as no deposit or rental history. I have to sell to pay off debts.

You decide on paying some form of contribution/rent

You won’t get housing benefit as ‘contrived tenancy’. Same problem as above if something happens to dad. I would also need to discuss this situation with wife as this is her house to. Would need some form of guarantee that payments would be met to plan for the future and a guarantee that I could sell to clear debts when the time came.

You leave and I sell or rent

Up to you to discuss if you all move in together, you can claim housing/carers benefits. Brother and sister would be in a more stable situation if anything happened to dad. They would also have a rental history (references etc.) I could give a percentage of the house sale or rental to dad as compensation for him sharing some of the bills when we first moved in together (either a lump sum or monthly payments).

Everyone leaves and I sell or rent

I agree with dad some form of compensation as above. Everyone takes responsibility for themselves and stops relying on other family members to sort everything out for them and goes their separate ways.


This is going to be without doubt one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and may end up with people hating/resenting me but I think this has to be done. Not sure when i'm going to do this but I think this has to be my long term plan.

Once again thanks everyone for your comments/opinions.

seven-day-weekend

Great reasoning Piggyplank and I hope you and your wife come to a mutually acceptable decision. (I'm also glad she has forgiven you !).

paddy's_mum

So pleased for you both. and thank you for updating. We so rarely get to hear the end of the tale.

Mojisola

Piggyplank wrote: »

I have been thinking hard about the reason why I lied and although my wife has forgiven me I don’t find my actions are acceptable.

Although all my intentions have been to try and help others I can see that I failed at this and chose to ignore the fact to avoid confrontation.

Looking back a lot of my decisions have been based on weakness and self-pity, a characteristic of myself that I hate and worked hard to improve when I was younger e.g. I felt massive rejection from my mother so I don’t want to go through the same feelings with my dad/brother/sister if I ask them to leave.

Don't undersell yourself - you have come further than most people who had your start in life all through your own efforts.

Value yourself for your successes as well as recognising the areas that you want to improve further.

If you love yourself and accept what an amazing person you are to have got to where you are in life, you will find it easier to deal with the remaining issues.

Detroit

Mojisola wrote: »

Don't undersell yourself - you have come further than most people who had your start in life all through your own efforts.

Value yourself for your successes as well as recognising the areas that you want to improve further.

If you love yourself and accept what an amazing person you are to have got to where you are in life, you will find it easier to deal with the remaining issues.

Couldn't agree with this more.

To add, credit due not just for getting where you are, but for looking after others as you've done so.

Good to hear you have a plan and your wife's support. It sounds very fair.

Good luck.:)