How do i keep everyone happy?

FBaby

A number of people feel the wife has zero rights about the ops house, but have made no comment about the fact the op is directly benefitting from the rent from his wife's house and hopes to benefit from the equity in it in their retirement.

We have no idea this is the case as we have no idea how they arrange their income. For all we know, they still have separate bank accounts and she gets more disposable income than OP to spend as she wishes.

As you've said, it doesn't sound like the issue is about the money since she never even noticed it wasn't coming in. It's about the principle and her hating the fact that she thinks her husband is being taken advantage of.

Redacted

I think the quoted text of the ops other thread makes it clear they have pooled their assets. He even asks if they are doing everything they can to maximise their assets to achieve their retirement plans - clearly from this thread they are not, because of his decision about this property.

In another thread, a different poster confidently asserted they would never be in the position of finding their partner had hidden debts, because they talk all the time about their finances, investments and plans for the future. I'm sure the ops wife felt the same, and it just shows how easy it is to be deceived by a partner you trust. The other post shows they have been making these plans for some time - and he has been lying about part of his contribution.

seven-day-weekend

Mojisola wrote: »

But she doesn't have to respect that decision.

If she feels that, despite being soul mates, he is going to put his family above her, she may decide to cut her losses and divorce him.

The combination of being lied to for years and him wanting to continue funding his siblings may be too much for her.

Then she doesn't love him very much, although I agree he should not have lied to her.

The way forward is to come to a mutually acceptable decision, and that may well be holding her nose and carrying on with the status quo.

However, i see no reason why the siblings can't pay something at least, why do they think they have the right to live in free housing?

enthusiasticsaver

As this thread is so long I have just skimmed it so apologies if this already been said.

OP, you cannot keep everyone happy so you have to make a decision and accept the consequences of that.

From what you have said you, and your OH, are feeling that your family are and have been taking advantage of you and I would say based on your posts that this is true. With benefit of hindsight a more formal arrangement should have been put in place when you moved in with your Father. I cannot see how you can kick him and your siblings out without going through legal channels so you will need to come to an arrangement where they will agree to leave maybe with half the house proceeds?

Your family all sound like a lot of spongers tbh with you as the cash cow so I can see why you are upset. You have helped them and now it is time for them to help themselves.

I also think this needs to be resolved now rather than when your father dies as surely your siblings will still be there. I would make a clean break and sell regardless of the family relationship which sounds dysfunctional anyway. Time to cut the apron strings and let them fend for themselves.

Pollycat

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Then she doesn't love him very much, although I agree he should not have lied to her.

The way forward is to come to a mutually acceptable decision, and that may well be holding her nose and carrying on with the status quo.

The way I read it they did come to a mutually acceptable decision - 5 years ago.
That was to charge the OP's Father what sounds like a very reasonable rent.
And that idea came mainly from the OP not this 'gold-digging', woman who apparently has a 'lust for money'.

Piggyplank wrote: »

I resent the fact that he is living in the house rent free and not willing to make a compromise and the idea of him paying rent is more my idea than my OH.

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

However, i see no reason why the siblings can't pay something at least, why do they think they have the right to live in free housing?

I agree with this ^^^^.

Piggyplank wrote: »

When I moved out my sister and brother both moved in with me after a while to get away from my mum. They left after a few years and moved in with another family member but moved back about 5yrs ago without asking me. I have spoke to my dad about selling and splitting the money 50/50 but he is very reluctant to do this and seems to want to puts obstacles in the way at every solution I offer.

I think the OP has had a raw deal from every member of his family - and his siblings' taking advantage of his generous nature is appalling.

paddy's_mum

Pollycat wrote: »

I think the OP has had a raw deal from every member of his family -

I belive Mrs Piggyplank has had an even more raw deal, including some of the tawdry comments from posters on here (though I defend absolutely someone's right to express a differing opinion.)

I'm also astounded at the way some responders have almost brushed aside/skated over the fact of the lies. These weren't silly little fibs about the length of a hemline or the colour of a hat or the cost of the latest handbag!

I can think of many old threads on here where a spouse has covered up wrong-doing for a long time and it is that element of whatever the problem has been that has done the most damage. (Someone more computer savvy than me might be able to put up some of those blue-link thingies :cool:)

One where the husband had lost his job 8 months earlier yet carried on 'going to work' spending his days in the library and getting into (joint!) debt to continue to fund the household. One where the husband had another woman and their child living in another town and that deceit went on for 2 or 3 years as I recall.

Having been on the receiving end of such behaviour simply confirms my view that lying is like honey fungus in an otherwise healthy looking tree - it eats away at the base of something apparently strong and thriving but the decay cannot be stopped and eventually destroys the tree from the inside.

This OP has swindled his wife of her trust and never mind her supposed "lust for money," has given her complete grounds for divorce. If five whole ruddy YEARS of lying/deceit/covering up isn't unreasonable behaviour (whatever his reasons or weaknesses of thought may be) then what the heck is?

'I deceived you and deception is stealing because it takes away the truth.' Elizabeth Goudge

OP Take from this thread what is valuable to you and discard the rest. You have been offered many different viewpoints and suggestions of a way forward and I hope that they can help you and your wife to get back on a united track which produces the best result for each and every one of you caught in this sad situation. Good luck.

FBaby

In another thread, a different poster confidently asserted they would never be in the position of finding their partner had hidden debts, because they talk all the time about their finances, investments and plans for the future. I'm sure the ops wife felt the same, and it just shows how easy it is to be deceived by a partner you trust. The other post shows they have been making these plans for some time - and he has been lying about part of his contribution.

I haven't read the other threads, but clearly the above didn't apply since OP's wife never noticed that the money wasn't paid, so either they must have some separate accounts, or she never cared about it enough from a financial perspective to actually notice.

They've been married for long enough for all their finances to be shared. The house he bought is just as much an asset of the marriage as the one they live in and the one that is in her name.

Even if this is correct, this is something that comes up with divorce is considered. It doesn't mean that during a marriage, everything has to be shared 50/50. Otherwise, you could argue that a SAHM should somehow contribute 50% of the family income just because she would be entitled to 50% of the assets if divorcing.

Redacted

FBaby wrote: »

I haven't read the other threads, but clearly the above didn't apply since OP's wife never noticed that the money wasn't paid, so either they must have some separate accounts, or she never cared about it enough from a financial perspective to actually notice.

Do you check everything your husband tells you about his finances? Do you check how much he pays into his pension each month or the amount held/contributed into savings? Or do you trust what he's told you?

If you'd had a conversation where he told you he was on track to have a pension of £X per year, when discussing your joint retirement plans, and later found out he was completely lying, you'd be fine with that? You'd assume it was because you'd put pressure on him to make retirement plans and were clearly being unreasonable in your expectations and the way you'd conveyed them, so he was justified in lying to you? Because that's what people seem to be saying about the ops wife and I think that's grossly unfair to her.

ecgirl07

The house the father lives in is an appreciating asset, that will increase in value over the 15-20years until retirement.

The potential conflict regards realising a monthly income from this asset ie monthly rent of £400? Pcm on the open market.

The other conflict is about family v money. The op relatively happy with family living rent free, his wife not so much.

In the ops position id be happy to have father live rent free in the house, and as such if he wants his other adult kids to live with that would be ok too. But my siblings would know on fathers moving out/passing they too would be out.

Pollycat

ecgirl07 wrote: »

The house the father lives in is an appreciating asset, that will increase in value over the 15-20years until retirement.

The potential conflict regards realising a monthly income from this asset ie monthly rent of £400? Pcm on the open market.

The other conflict is about family v money. The op relatively happy with family living rent free, his wife not so much.

In the ops position id be happy to have father live rent free in the house, and as such if he wants his other adult kids to live with that would be ok too. But my siblings would know on fathers moving out/passing they too would be out.

Is the bit in bold true?

Not according to one of the OP's posts:

Piggyplank wrote: »

I resent the fact that he is living in the house rent free and not willing to make a compromise and the idea of him paying rent is more my idea than my OH.

The OP's Father appears to have earned quite a lot of money

Piggyplank wrote: »

He has made more money as a self-employed builder over his lifetime than I have in the jobs I have done, yet doesn’t have any savings or additional pension income.

but doesn't appear to have anything to show for it - despite living rent-free for many years.
The OP says that he paid the mortgage and paid it off in 12 years so at least that length of time and maybe even the additional 5 years that has caused such trouble.
The OP even took on payment of some of the bills as his wages increased.

The OP's Father appears to have sat back and let his son fund him - and apparently still expects him to do so, with the addition of his 2 siblings.
I can't see how the OP owes him anything.