How do i keep everyone happy?

AylesburyDuck

Still lots of back and forth on this i see.
I see two things......
A/ Regaurdless of he said this/ he said that, what did he DO? Actions speak far louder than words.
B/ The original question the OP asked is absolutely simple. "How do i keep everyone happy?"
He can't. And thats a fact.

ecgirl07

Pollycat wrote: »

Is the bit in bold true?

Not according to one of the OP's posts:


The OP's Father appears to have earned quite a lot of money

but doesn't appear to have anything to show for it - despite living rent-free for many years.
The OP says that he paid the mortgage and paid it off in 12 years so at least that length of time and maybe even the additional 5 years that has caused such trouble.
The OP even took on payment of some of the bills as his wages increased.

The OP's Father appears to have sat back and let his son fund him - and apparently still expects him to do so, with the addition of his 2 siblings.
I can't see how the OP owes him anything.

As I said relatively happy.

Its not about whether the op owes his dad anything, family is shades of grey. Would "evict" your dad and siblings in these circs? Would you be bothered to turn it into a proper landlord/tennant situation? Or would you let the status quo stand?

I posted what id do in the situation, only the op knows what compromises he, his family and wife will make in order for him to find a solution.

Pollycat

ecgirl07 wrote: »

As I said relatively happy.

Then you're reading totally different words to those I'm reading.

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Its not about whether the op owes his dad anything, family is shades of grey. Would "evict" your dad and siblings in these circs? Would you be bothered to turn it into a proper landlord/tennant situation? Or would you let the status quo stand?

I posted what id do in the situation, only the op knows what compromises he, his family and wife will make in order for him to find a solution.

Yes I would - for the reasons I've mentioned in my post above yours and from what the OP has said about his Father including this:

Piggyplank wrote: »

I think, deep down there are past issues that I have with my dad. I feel a little let down by him both from when I was a kid and now. He has always stuck his head in the sand and never seemed to deal with responsibility.

In fact I doubt if I'd have let things go on as long as the OP has.

I do not subscribe to the adage that 'blood is thicker than water'.

AylesburyDuck

Pollycat wrote: »

Then you're reading totally different words to those I'm reading.

Yes I would - for the reasons I've mentioned in my post above yours and from what the OP has said about his Father including this:


In fact I doubt if I'd have let things go on as long as the OP has.

I do not subscribe to the adage that 'blood is thicker than water'.

But this thread is about the OP and not yourself, take yourself out of the equasion and look at the bigger picture, OP might have said A,B and C but his actions were X,Y and Z, his actions are never going to BE your actions.

I dont subscribe to that adage either, however it would take a darn site more for me to apply it. I dont think it's got anywhere even close to that yet. Violence or threat of harm to me or mine would trigger it, not just because i was peeved (or my OH was peeved) by lack of certain actions.

There are things i would have done differently to the OP, they most certainly would not getting getting away with a free ride, but its irrelevant i'm not the OP and the OP doesnt seem to want to enforce, 5 years worth of lack of action backs this up.
Maybe the OP will toughen up, maybe he wont, but either way, its not down to the wife, its not down to me, and its not down to you! And not 100% of people including the OP will be kept happy.

In your original post on the matter you said this

Pollycat wrote: »

Personally, I think this would be a deal-breaker for me:

I would be bloody furious if my partner and I had had conversations about pensions and investments and early retirement and jointly overpaying our existing mortgage and then had lied to me in this way.
It wouldn't be about the money at all, although the £13k is not an insignificant amount.

For you it would be about the lies, yet you feel no need to question further the reasoning for this?
Life isnt black and white like that.

Pollycat

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

But this thread is about the OP and not yourself, take yourself out of the equasion and look at the bigger picture, OP might have said A,B and C but his actions were X,Y and Z, his actions are never going to BE your actions.

I'm well aware that this is about the OP and not me.
But I was responding to a direct question by ecgirl:

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Would "evict" your dad and siblings in these circs?

who specifically asked what I would do in the same circumstances.
So I replied.

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

For you it would be about the lies, yet you feel no need to question further the reasoning for this?
Life isnt black and white like that.

Yes, it would be about the lies for me.
Why would I feel any need to question the reasoning for that?
And - again for me - it is black and white.

Andypandyboy

FBaby wrote: »

I guess that's where different people see things differently. If I was in OP's boot and my OH was forcing me to do something I didn't want to do for HIS own satisfaction, I would be out of the relationship, because I would be too worried of what's to come with him expecting his own ways each time we disagreed.

I think it has already gone too far anyway as OP felt he had no choice but to lie rather than confront his wife and that shows that he already felt trapped by the demands of his wife.

I think you are right, people do have very different views of issues and also different principles.

For me, it would not be so much about the OP supporting his father but that it appears that the siblings have jumped on the bandwagon too. What happens when the father dies? Will the siblings expect the free ride to continue and if it doesn't will that cause a family rift?

How long is the OP's wife expected to disregard the house as a potential source of income for their future plans for an early retirement? It will add to their mutual satisfaction not just hers. The OP makes it clear he is onboard with the plan.

On principle, I would be expecting the siblings to pay rent and also have an agreement in place that on the death of their father they will look for other housing.

In your own case you mentioned that the father of your kids doesn't pay towards them and that if your husband insisted that you pursue him you would see that as a dealbreaker.

I don't wish to be rude but by not doing so you are helping him be !!!!less, and by supporting the children yourself you are removing from the family pot income which could go towards your husband's early retirement. Some may see that as selfish and yet you would blame your husband for seeing it that way. That could be extrapolated further if, God forbid, either one of you did not make retirement age.

Maybe it is this angle the OP's wife is coming at it from?

AylesburyDuck

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm well aware that this is about the OP and not me.
But I was responding to a direct question by ecgirl:

who specifically asked what I would do in the same circumstances.
So I replied.


Yes, it would be about the lies for me.
Why would I feel any need to question the reasoning for that?
**And - again for me - it is black and white.

Yes i am aware, its interesting the questions you neglected to answer though. Selective.

**Which ends any discussion with you in my eyes, life isnt 2 dimentional, it has many layers.
I'm out.:silenced:

FBaby

I don't wish to be rude but by not doing so you are helping him be !!!!less, and by supporting the children yourself you are removing from the family pot income which could go towards your husband's early retirement. Some may see that as selfish and yet you would blame your husband for seeing it that way. That could be extrapolated further if, God forbid, either one of you did not make retirement age.

I don't think that not forcing my ex to pay his due is supporting him being a loser. It is his choice to be so and forcing him to pay would not make him a fantastic dad because he has no choice.

I do have my reason for not asking and these reasons is exactly why I am not selfish. Believe me, I would love that extra income, but it would impact on my kids and they come first. That's the part that my husband respects.

Like OP, we are in a comfortable financial position, so even though the little extra would be nice, it won't change things much for us. The bottom line is that I can look my kids in their eye and know I have done all I could to be a good mum and to me, that is worth a lot more than a few extra £££.

Andypandyboy

FBaby wrote: »

I don't think that not forcing my ex to pay his due is supporting him being a loser. It is his choice to be so and forcing him to pay would not make him a fantastic dad because he has no choice.

I do have my reason for not asking and these reasons is exactly why I am not selfish. Believe me, I would love that extra income, but it would impact on my kids and they come first. That's the part that my husband respects.

Like OP, we are in a comfortable financial position, so even though the little extra would be nice, it won't change things much for us. The bottom line is that I can look my kids in their eye and know I have done all I could to be a good mum and to me, that is worth a lot more than a few extra £££.

You are of course entilted to your view, but for me, there is simply no excuse for a father not to support his kids. If he does that of his own volition, well and good, if he doesn't, he should be forced to do so.

Paying over money would not entitle him to more contact, he would simply be doing his financial duty, and meeting his parental obligation. I do think that by not insisting he does that is facilitiating him.

Pollycat

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

Yes i am aware, its interesting the questions you neglected to answer though. Selective.

**Which ends any discussion with you in my eyes, life isnt 2 dimentional, it has many layers.
I'm out.:silenced:

OK.
I'm fine with that.

ETA:
I'm not sure what questions I neglected to answer.
If you hadn't declared yourself 'out' (whatever that means), perhaps you would have got the answers you feel are missing.