Is it my fault? What would you do?

breaking_free

OP, do you have an e-reader, smart phone or access to a computer? I'm pasting a link below to a free book on domestic abuse called "Why does he do that?"
http://www.pdf-archive.com/2014/08/24/why-does-he-do-that/

I know you're looking for answers right now and reading this will help you immensely.

I agonized for so long over why my husband acted like yours - threatening me, physically assaulting me, isolating me from friends, insisting that we do everything together so I never had a moment to myself. Then I stopped asking myself why he behaved that way and left him.

Once I had fled I discovered the book above; it explains everything so clearly. Men should read it too but substitute "Why does he do that?" with "Why does she do that?"

Take care (HUGS)

BrassicWoman

Women's aid is a great start.

Well done. Post as often as you like; whatever you decide, people here will be here to help you cope.

haras_nosirrah

he doesn't allow you to work therefore making you financially dependent, he doesnt let you leave the house thereby isolating you and taking away your support network, he beats you and makes you apologise for it, he belittles your contribution to the household to make you think you need him (i am on maternity leave with a 3 year old and a baby - work is easier trust me, and now he is threatening you that he will beat you harder if you don't improve your behaviour - op please please wake up - there is no marriage to save. You are married to an abuser and the abuse started when he started cutting you off from your friends family and money thereby making him central to your world and you to believe you cannot survive without him

you can

the benefit system is designed to help you. it may be hard initially but you and your children will be fine. if you really want to give him a last chance then get your paperwork together, pack an emergency bag for you and the kids, open a bank account and squirrel away what you can and know where you can go. tell him if he ever lays a hand on you again you will be gone and mean it. your kids need you to be strong more than they need a bully of a father.

pollypenny

OP, my poor love, ring Women's Aid as soon as you can and get away from this bully before he does any more harm.

ska_lover

OH god your household sounds a bubbling pot waiting to boil over with parents, sisters and no space to be a couple as everyone is on top of each other.


That is no excuse though, and I would not be staying with this man, however much I felt I loved him, as the door has been opened now, and next time he feels like getting physical there is only one way it will go, slightly worse each time...

kingrulzuk

OP this will be hard but you need to get help fast, please keep us posted

TBagpuss

Littlepea1 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your replies, I really appreciate it and thank you for making me understand that I wasn't stupid for thinking he should not have acted the way he did.
I did try to talk to him, I just asked if he is ok and wanted to talk, to which he replies he doesn't have anything to say to me only if I wanted to say sorry for my behaviour and for making him angry. To be honest, I was surprised and asked if he believes that he did nothing wrong, to which he said that he believes he showed in his exact words "great restraint" and that if he actually wanted to hurt me he would have.
He does not drink, smoke or anything so can't blame it on any substances.
We basically ended the conversation after he kept insisting that it was all my fault with him saying that he could have easily left last night, I made him so angry and that I have to promise never to act like that again and that he loves me.
I know I shouldn't have but I did apologise because I just wanted to get over this but will look up all the links and suggestions in your messages.
I need to think of looking after myself and my boys because he still doesn't think his attitude and reactions were wrong.
I don't have anyone really to confide in but will try to see my gp about it.

Re; the bolded. Yes, you do. If he is prepared to assault and belittle you, he may well do the same to the children if thye hallenge him.
And in the mean time, they are growing up learning that this is the way that relationsips work, which significantly incresaes the risk of them becoming victims or perpetrators of violence in their own relationsips when they are older. Just because they dod not witness this recent incident doesn't mean that they are not exposed to, or affected by, the dysfunctional and abusive relationship.

Eveything you are adding ads to the concen - the sorts of behaviour you describe (controlling you, not allowing you to work, isolating you from your own friends, blaming you for his and behaviour, undermining your self confidence etc) are typical of abusive individuals.

You are not safe, your children are not safe, and this is not going to get bettter. The only way things will change is if he decides that he is willing to face up to his own behaviour and if he wants to change - and there is no sign at all that he can.

He does not love you. Love can be defined as a condistion in which the other person's happiness is essnitial to your own. He doesn't care whether or not you are happy, he doesn't care about your welfare. He only cares about how your actions impact on him.

Start planning to leave.

Before they go, could you ask your parents if they would be able to help you, could they lend you a little money if you needed it? enough for a deposit to rent somewhere? Would they be able to keep from saying anything to him, if you confided in them?

Tinkerbelle2000

Is everything ok with you Littlepea?

Let us know you're ok.

Mojisola

Littlepea1 wrote: »

my parents who are staying until next week

I'm sorry for the long post but I haven't got anyone to talk to and I don't know what to do?

You've got your parents and your sister in the house with you.

Talk to them!

System

OP, reading your posts, the behavior of your husband is seriously ringing alarm bells. One of my exes behaved in a very similar way, he'd lash out at the slightest thing, then blame me for somehow being in the wrong and that it was my fault he reacted that way. Although he never hit me, he did push me a few times time and another time threw a glass at me (that very narrowly missed). I still didn;t leave then, because i was scared of being on my own. I have MH issues and was scared that i wouldn;t be able to cope on my own. Like you i hadn;t told my friends or family what he was like, they had no idea. After we split up (thats a long story for another time) i opened up about how he had treated me and my parents for one were appaulled but more they were hurt that i felt i couldn;t talk to them cos they'd have been there for me and helped me get away from him. Please if you can talk to your mum. Don;t suffer in silence. Talk to your mum, then think about calling womens aid.

You are NOT in the wrong, and you deserve to be treated so much better than this.