Is it my fault? What would you do?

k3lvc

Have there been any indications of behaviour like this before ? If not I'd be inclined to despatch the parents and talk between yourselves. I know the impact it had when my in-laws stayed with us for a while and the change in behaviour in both myself and Mrs K3


p.s. and I'm not at all advocating what he did

KRB2725

I would question his love and respect for you.

Please get some help, your posts raise a few red flags. Has he ever threatened or hit you before, how verbally aggressive is he?

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I really think you need to look at this seriously rather than just get over it.

hollydays

Littlepea1 wrote: »

I do, most of the time he is really nice, he does a lot for me and the kiddies. I'm just concerned that if he doesn't think he did anything wrong now, where does that leave us? I want to be strong but also don't want to make wrong decisions and hurt our boys.

Most of the time he's really nice. Sometimes he's really not nice.

Phone WOMENS aid and talk it through with them.
0808 2000 247

This is serious, because this will just escalate. You owe it to yourself and your boys to keep them in a safe environment. This isn't a safe place for you.
I think perhaps he's not been nice to you for a while.

charlishae

woah his reaction is not your fault, even if you had provoked it nothing justifies him assaulting you. It worries me that he is not the slightest bit sorry for his actions.

Do NOT apologise or pretend everything is ok, you will basically send him the message that what he did was fine and you will just accept it. Sounds like he has anger issues and this sort of thing could happen again.
I would be keeping my distance from him unless he seems sorry and is willing to talk. He sounds a bit controlling, have you got a good support network and any money available if you need to leave?

Hope youre ok.

Yvieblue

Have just come across this thread, OP, and every one of your posts rings alarm bells.
You don't say if he's behaved this way before, but the fact that he's done it even once, and is refusing to admit he's wrong, should be enough; you have young children? What if his uncontrollable anger were to be directed at them?
Please take action, both for your sake and theirs. Could you go back and stay with your parents? Your sister? If so, this is what I'd be looking at doing until at the very least, he agrees to get help with anger management.
If not, please think about contacting a women's aid helpline for advice - again, stressing the fact that you've got young kids, and that he feels he's done nothing wrong.
I'm afraid I wouldn't be carrying on as normal - I'd let my parents and sister know what's happened; he seems pretty sure of himself in knowing that you won't though, which indicates he's taking your love and protection of him for granted.
Definitely do NOT apologise as this gives him a green light to behave this way again.
Wishing you all the best. Stay safe x

TBagpuss

I made him do it cause I was in his face..

This is an absolutely classic example of how abusive individuals try to shoft blame for their actions.
No matte what you may have done, his response, of becoming violent, is not acceptable. If he could not control his temper he had the option of removing himself from the situation.
It's another worry that this wasn't a 'flash in the pan' - he didn't have a sudden loss of temper that was then over, he was still angry, abusive, and trying to balme you by the time you went to bed.
The fact that you're mutual friends are all his friends is concerning too - what happened to the friends you had before the two of you got together? Again, isolating someone and cutting of their potential sources of support is part of a very common pattern in abusive relationships.

In answer to your original question, no this is not your fault.

Have a look at the refuge website http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/recognising-abuse/ - be hnest with yourself about how much of what they describe applies to you and your relationship.

From what you've said in this thread, your husband was physically violent towards you, he was verbally abusive and threatening, both at the time of the incident and afterwards, he sought to cast blame on you, for his own behaviour and rather than him apologising or showing any signs of remorse for his appalling behaviour he then mocked you and sought to blame you, again. These are all enourmous red flag.

Do not apologise to him, he is the one who should be apologising to you. Think about why you are hiding his assualt on you from your parents?
Is this really the fiorst time that he has been abusive to you, or only the most serious? It is very common for an abusive person to escalate the level of abuse and control over time.

If you feel 100% confident that this is a one-off, then talk to him about it, and ask him whether he is willing to seek help for his anger amangement issues. But be bware that confronting an abuser can be denagerous, so be honest with your self about how you think he would react.

In the mean time, make an appointment to see your GP (invest a resoan to go if you have to, if you are worried about your huisband finding out) Be honest with the G, tell them what happened. (Quite apart from anything else, this creates a record of what happened. It makes it easier for you to access help (including getting legal aid if things get worse and/or you decide to spearate from him) when you are redy to ask for it, and you GP may be able to refer you on to a suitabl local support group.

hazyjo

This has nothing to do with the water/mop. There's a bigger picture. Either it's the alcohol, drugs, someone at work belittling him, or he feels you are.


In no way does any of the above excuse his actions. My BF was like that when taking coke. He's off it now. It was like living with Jekyll & Hyde.


If it's out the blue/out of character, work it out or try to get to the bottom of it. If not, or if you feel he'll get worse - get out as quick as you can.


Jx

Claire_A87

No no no no NO.

This is not your fault. The only thing you're now doing wrong is asking how YOU can fix it. You did nothing to fix, and you shouldn't be doing anything to make the situation better. This is completely on him.

His behaviour is extremely worrying. The situation you have described above is abuse, plain and simple. He verbally and physically abused you, and now he's gas-lighting you to make you believe it's your fault. Read up on gas-lighting and ask yourself whether he exhibits these kind of behaviors normally.

I agree with a PP that if this is completely out of character then it needs getting to the bottom of, but he needs to admit he's done something abhorrent before you can even think about anything else. I'd seriously be weighing up my options if I were you, and planning how you can leave this marriage.

AylesburyDuck

How is his behaviour normally, does he get like this after a drink maybe, is he always short tempered, or is this totally out of character for him?
Many men can always think they are right, but most dont accompany it with threats of/and or violence.
If he's actively aggressive (even if just verbal) on a regular basis then you need help.
However if its totally out of character then maybe he needs to see a doctor.
But no, non of it is your fault.

pollypenny

Get help now!

No normal man threatens to punch his wife in the face. ' You're lucky' indeed!

He's got you terrified of him, of saying and doing the wrong thing, which is abuse in itself. You really need to get help and an escape route, even if your parents live abroad. You said they are visiting now. Did they observe any of this? Can you go back with them?