Is it my fault? What would you do?

Lambyr

I know it's easy for me to say since I don't have kids but if someone did that to me, I'd be gone.

He's forcing you to accept the blame for his behaviour. This is controlling. It also will help him to convince himself that the problem lies with you. In general, this type of transference does not get better. It gets worse.

The first step in fixing a problem is recognising that a problem exists. He is not admitting the problem (his temper) exists. Consequently, there will be no attempt to fix the problem.

littlegreenparrot

You have had some very good advice already.
It is not acceptable behaviour and cannot be tolerated. I do not imagine this is the first or last time, it is not a safe environment. Don't forget your boys are learning about how relationships are formed from you both, what kind of lessons are they learning?

On a practical note I would start gently, quietly putting the ducks in a row. Put all the important paperwork for yourself and the children in one folder, know where that is. Think about your finances, have you got codes/access/cards/ID etc. Have a plan, know where the nearest refuge is. Whatever you might need if you need to leave quickly.

I am concerned for you. Hopefully you won't need these things, but if it all kicks off at 2 am one morning it will be easier to have them.

tattycath

If you stay with him, it's a slippery slope. Been there done that. Emotional abuse, physical violence and mental cruelty.
People can only advise you. You will do what you think is right for you. When you feel strong enough you will decide you have had enough.
Some of my friends told me to leave my ex. My inner voice was telling me what was happening was wrong. I was with him for ten years in the end and then I left. I only wished I'd done it sooner.
Good luck.

KRB2725

OP, every time you make another post there is a warning sign in it. He has just got you to apologise and take responsibility for his actions. He also expects you to be grateful that he didn't leave or really hurt you.

I truly believe you and your children need to be away from this man until he can and has acknowledged that the problem lies with him.

Is this the first time he has been verbally or physically aggressive towards you?

lewishardwick

It is not your fault. I think every couple have had rows over something trivial. Usually they are the 'straw that breaks the camels back'. Has there been nothing grumbling under the surface? Does he talk about work much?

My partner recently lost his job. I now find myself under pressure to support us both as the sate will provide nothing until his (and my) saving are depleted. We were buying a house together but that fell through. I do resent the situation and I do resent that sometimes I wonder what he does at home. But then I see the hoops the Job Center want him to jump through just to get anything. I have to man up and support both of and work our way thought the s**t until the clouds clear and he's employed again.

So perhaps there's something else putting a lot of pressure on him?

Either way, the violence has happened and there's no denying he has issues. You need to get yourself an exit plan pronto. Do you have any money you can access quickly? Its the summer hols, any way you could take the kids away quickly to your parents if things get worse? You might not want to tell them, but letting your parents know that they could be expecting you short notice, might help you escape quickly if you need to?

Yvieblue

OP, when I read your post this morning I worried that this man showed all the sinister signs of a serial domestic abuser and bully.
He has now succeeded in intimidating you into apologising for HIS cowardly assault on you, thus manipulating himself into a place where he'll feel confident that he has no need to keep himself in check in future, as there's nothing to fear.
I genuinely wish you the very very best; I know you're in an awful situation, and this is not intended in any way to sound harsh; I'm just worried for you and your kids.
But I'll say again what I said this morning: you have young children. What's to say that in time, as he gets bolder, he might not direct his anger at them?
Under normal circumstances I would never, ever presume to tell someone to leave their partner, but I'm saying it now - please, for your children's sake if you won't do it for you, report the attack, either to the police or your GP, take your kids and, if you can't stay with family, go to a women's shelter. It's not an easy thing to do, but it won't be forever - just until you get your legal rights sorted out.
I wish you well, whatever you decide to do.

enthusiasticsaver

I would reiterate that this is not normal behaviour no matter how you asked him to change the water. Any man who gets violent like that and loses his temper is dangerous especially if in the cold light of day he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. What is even more concerning is his threat that if he wanted to hurt you then he could. What sort of family home did he grow up in and is this the first time he has laid a hand on you? He is definitely abusive. Rows between couples obviously do happen but if either party uses their fists or hands to restrain the other then this is abuse. He needs to know what he did is wrong and have some anger management counselling at the very least. It is just strange if this has never happened before.

I would not have hidden this from your parents. In fact you should confide in someone in RL or a womens aid center.

enthusiasticsaver

There are other elements of controlling and abusive behaviour. He does not want you to work as he wants you totally dependent on him and all your friends are his friends. This is not normal behaviour.

NYM

If only someone I knew had taken on board the kind of advice that she was given and that has also been given on here... her two little girls would still have their Mum.

He took the cowards way out :mad:

breaking_free

Littlepea1, I just want to point out that many of the posters that have replied to you are men.

They don't think your husband's actions are acceptable - neither do I.

Please call women's aid 0808 2000 247

If you are uncomfortable with this idea because it seems like you are *betraying* your husband (and I say that as a woman who lied to the police about her husband's abuse), consider posting anonymously in their forum https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/

Nobody will know who you are so you can vent/ask questions in complete confidence.

Take care and please keep posting. You will get more support than you can imagine (HUGS)