Is it my fault? What would you do?

Littlepea1_2

Tonight I've gone through something I never really thought I'd experience really and it scared me, even typing this I'm shaking.The weekend started off great, my family was babysitting so that my husband and I could go for a hike and camp for 2 nights. Came back today and got ready to watch a film after putting the kids to bed (2 and 4yo). My husband decided he wanted a drink so my parents who are staying until next week and I were waiting to play the movie. Husband then proceeds to say that the kiddies have left some sticky spots on the kitchen floor after having some ice lollies earlier in the day and I went over to clean them with a sponge. He then grabbed a mop to wipe it and I just asked him to change the water in the little mop spray bottle as it was not fresh and he started having a go at me. I just left him and as he went towards the larder gave me a really nasty glare and mouthed "stop it!!" I didn't want him to act like that having only asked that he change the water and went over to him to nicely ask that he should calm down. He got really nasty and said that I get out of his face and started pushing me saying that it's his house and nobody should tell him what to do. I tried to cuddle him and tell him again, just calm down and he pushed me and started jabbing me with his elbows. I didn't want to say anything as my parents were just in the next room so i then went away from him and started washing some cups out and as he walked past me to go outside the back he kept saying about "it's my house just as much as yours nobody should tell me what to do in my own house" so I turned around and asked him what was the problem and asked him to relax and calm down, he pushed me in the doorway and kept swearing at me to get the f away and f off and if I wanted him to hurt me and then I just said don't talk to me like that to which he GRABBED ME BY THE THROAT and pulled me outside, I was so shocked and scared by him that I said don't you dare ever do that again or that's it, I'm off and he just shouted if you f-img want to leave me just f-ing leave! I was shaking so shut myself in the bathroom and just stayed there to compose myself. Didn't say anything to my mum and dad, just pretended all was normal and went up to check the boys. And say I'm tired and we will watch a film tomorrow so went to bed. Husband had a shower and went to bed too, and asked why am I in his bed and proceeded to say that I'm a f-in !!!!, acting stupid and that I'm ruining the marriage, that it was all my fault for getting in his face and got him angry and followed him and it's all my fault and I'm ruining our marriage!
I'm sorry for the long post but I haven't got anyone to talk to and I don't know what to do? How can I fix this?

Peter333

Why would any of this be your fault, when you clearly have an aggressive husband who can't control his temper?!

Mr.Generous

from the sound of this he is acting unreasonably, however I have heard a wife of a close family member constantly - and I do mean constantly telling her husband what to do, how to do it, when to do it etc. It's only a matter of time till he snaps I think. I would prefer to be asked to change the water than told but his reaction is over the top. The physical stuff worries me, he sounds like he's out of control.

elsien

His behaviour as you have described it is not ok. You may want to talk your options through with women's aid.
However trying to cuddle someone who is angry and telling you to get out of their face is only going to escalate an already bad situation. I'm not saying you should appease him, and it's not down to you to "fix" him, but if this is out of character for him and you both want to resolve things, you need to consider how both of you are relating to each other.

Littlepea1_2

I never tell him what to do, I was happy wiping the stuff off the floor myself and just asked when he brought the mop that it might be better to change the water first if he wanted to use it. He insisted that it is fine and I left it.
After I was in bed and he started having a go at me saying that I'm stupid and all that the only thing I said was that he should not have grabbed me to which he said in a mocking voice oh yeah, keep going back to that, I grabbed your neck, why don't you go down and cry to your mum and dad about it, and how I made him do it cause I was in his face..
I'm not sure how to work through this? Part of me wants to apologise and take all the blame but I don't think he would ever say sorry back.

hollydays

Littlepea1 wrote: »

I never tell him what to do, I was happy wiping the stuff off the floor myself and just asked when he brought the mop that it might be better to change the water first if he wanted to use it. He insisted that it is fine and I left it.
After I was in bed and he started having a go at me saying that I'm stupid and all that the only thing I said was that he should not have grabbed me to which he said in a mocking voice oh yeah, keep going back to that, I grabbed your neck, why don't you go down and cry to your mum and dad about it, and how I made him do it cause I was in his face..
I'm not sure how to work through this? Part of me wants to apologise and take all the blame but I don't think he would ever say sorry back.

I'm very concerned for you op.:(

Keep posting.

There are some massive alarm bells ringing here.

Assaulted you, manipulating you,minimising it, been cruel.
It seems to me also he doesn't like you having support so close( your family)

He doesn't like to be wrong I take it?
Although sometimes he can be charming?

What's your social circle like op?

pollypenny

This is carp! He has treated you appallingly! None of it is your fault. Over something petty he seems to have blown up. Hands around your throat is assault.

You need advice and don't make excuses fir the git!

emmatthews

This is not your fault. His behaviour was unacceptable and if he can't understand that then you have a major problem.

Even if you provoked your husband, his reaction cannot be justified. This is domestic violence and he's lucky you didn't have him arrested.

Confide in your parents and get help.

I'm sure that my husband gets annoyed with me sometimes, but he would never speak to me that way or assault me.

Has he ever been aggressive before?

Littlepea1_2

He just left to pick my sister up, something we were planning on doing together yesterday and on the way out he just said to me "You need to seriously think about how you were acting yesterday, that I am being a stupid !!!! about changing the water and getting him angry" I then asked if he thinks that he maybe shouldn't have reacted the way he did, by grabbing me and hurting me and he said again in a mocking wining voice "Oh, grabbed you!" "You're lucky I didn't punch you in the face!"
He is convinced he is always right and is again placing all the blame on me.
I want to get over this as I love him and our boys, plus I don't really have anyone that I'm close to, my parents live abroad and are only visiting, our friends were originally his friends.
I can't work because he wanted me to stay home with the kiddies until they are at school so I don't have anything or anyone to talk to.

hollydays

Do you like him?

Littlepea1_2

I do, most of the time he is really nice, he does a lot for me and the kiddies. I'm just concerned that if he doesn't think he did anything wrong now, where does that leave us? I want to be strong but also don't want to make wrong decisions and hurt our boys.