Is it my fault? What would you do?

Top_Girl

Kynthia wrote: »

Sometimes people can diverge on their interpretation of one incident described by a new poster on this site. Some will see abuse, controlling behaviour and gaslighting whereas others will see just a row between a couple, a one-off incident due to other factors or possibly one of the couple having good reason for their behaviour depending on what it is (eg controlling the finances due to the partner repeatedly getting them into debt). Without knowing more from the various OPs and whether there's a history of this behaviour that is understandable.

However it's really hard for the people on this board to diverge in their opinion on this man's behaviour when he's not even sorry and doesn't think he's done anything wrong. I can't think of any decent man, no matter what difficulties he's experiencing in the relationship or elsewhere in his life, that later would think it was okay they'd grabbed their partner by the throat, that the partner was lucky they hadn't hurt them further, and would make them apologise for it happening.

So OP I can't see how you can stay with someone who doesn't think being physically abusive to you was wrong. By keeping it from your friends and family you are helping him rather than yourself although I can imagine it's a big step to talk about it.

Responding to your first paragraph, there is no good reason for him grabbing her by the throat, nor for his behaviour since. It is inexcusable.

The rest is spot on though.

Detroit

hazyjo wrote: »

This has nothing to do with the water/mop. There's a bigger picture. Either it's the alcohol, drugs, someone at work belittling him, or he feels you are.


In no way does any of the above excuse his actions. My BF was like that when taking coke. He's off it now. It was like living with Jekyll & Hyde.


If it's out the blue/out of character, work it out or try to get to the bottom of it. If not, or if you feel he'll get worse - get out as quick as you can.


Jx

These were my thoughts given the sudden nature of the incident, and that the OP doesn't mention any history of this type of behaviour.
It's odd how this occurred for no apparent reason and after a presumably good weekend away.
This type of sudden out of character irrationality can often be drug related.

Not that it really changes anything.

OP if you're family are still around it would be a good idea to pack your bags and go and stay with them.
Your safety comes first and you can't guarantee it at the moment. This has happened out of the blue, and there's nothing to suggest it won't happen again.

It's up to your partner to convince you (if he can) that this was an isolated incident that he deeply regrets and will never repeat.
I'd put some distance between you immediately and let him reflect on the seriousness of his actions.

Top_Girl

Detroit wrote: »

These were my thoughts given the sudden nature of the incident, and that the OP doesn't mention any history of this type of behaviour.
It's odd how this occurred for no apparent reason and after a presumably good weekend away.
This type of sudden out of character irrationality can often be drug related.

Not that it really changes anything.

OP if you're family are still around it would be a good idea to pack your bags and go and stay with them.
Your safety comes first and you can't guarantee it at the moment. This has happened out of the blue, and there's nothing to suggest it won't happen again.

It's up to your partner to convince you (if he can) that this was an isolated incident that he deeply regrets and will never repeat.
I'd put some distance between you immediately and let him reflect on the seriousness of his actions.

His behaviour since has been anything but conciliatory though. He's effectively told her she was lucky he didn't give her a kicking as well.

It's not a safe environment for her or the kids right now. Regardless of whether or not something unusual has triggered all this.

Detroit

Top_Girl wrote: »

His behaviour since has been anything but conciliatory though. He's effectively told her she was lucky he didn't give her a kicking as well.

It's not a safe environment for her or the kids right now. Regardless of whether or not something unusual has triggered all this.

Completely agree. I think the safest option is to leave immediately.

Tinkerbelle2000

I wish you would let us know if this has happened before.

I'll second what others have said, get your important stuff in order. If you have access to any money of your own then try and start an emergency fund.

I walked on egg shells for months before I left and really wish I'd done it sooner. I admit there were dark days after but I'm totally getting there now. Especially with the help of some lovely people on here.

You have to be honest with yourself and then you'll get the light bulb moment you so desperately need. I did it in the end for my DD. Think of your children please.

LannieDuck

OP, if you're new to these boards you won't realise how unusual it is for nearly all posters to agree. By page 3 the thread has normally descended into an argument between two strongly-held points of view about whether the OP is in the right or the wrong, if they're trolling or telling the truth etc.

OTOH, the replies to this thread nearly all agree. Based on what you've told us, you need to consider that this may be an unhealthy and abusive relationship.

Littlepea1_2

Thank you again everyone, I am really considering what I can do now, I appreciate the great advice and support from you all so far, it makes me feel a bit better.
To answer a few questions raised by some of you:
He doesn't like me doing anything without him as in I even have to go to bed and wake up at the same time even if I can't sleep, I don't go out, all our friends come over to ours. If I take our boys out to visit my sister for the day whilst he is at work he keeps it as a trump card to throw it back in my face that I am not working, thus bringing in money and I should have spent that time home tidying.
He has said hurtful things to me in the past, and has grabbed me once before but apologised for that.
I realise writing this all down how wrong it is, I think it took this thing happening and the amazing support and encouragement from all of you here to understand that I don't deserve this and nor do our boys.
I am scared that I haven't got anything to fall back on as for the last 7 years we have been together I became more and more dependant on him, especially not being able to-or allowed to- work.
I fell in love with a wonderful man, he was kind and caring, I don't know why things have changed or are changing within him, but I hope that somehow maybe we can fix it, I don't want to give up on our marriage yet and I am scared about how it would affect our children.
I'm going to speak to women's aid and see what I can do.

hollydays

We all understand your fears X
The reason he doesn't like you away from him, or at your sisters is that he's scared you'll speak to others about how he's treating you, he's isolating you, it's a common tactic with abusers-which is what he is.
Well done, speak to Womens aid .
You'll get support here , many people posting on here have been through similar situations to you .cover your tracks online.

Marvel1

The moment he hit you, it's over, leave him.

Littlepea1 wrote: »

I hope that somehow maybe we can fix it, I don't want to give up on our marriage yet

Really?! Also after reading what else you put in that post, that was the beginning before the physical side of it.

Well done for speaking to Women's aid

LannieDuck

Speaking to women's aid is an excellent place to start. I hope they can help.