Is it my fault? What would you do?

piglet74

No, its not your fault!

Leave, go. Don't look back.

Go with your parents, sister, just go while you still can!

Top_Girl

"If he actually wanted to hurt you, he could have" isn't anything like an apology, it's a threat if anything.

"He's nice to me and the kiddies" So he should be, he's married to you and he's their father (or father figure). Top Bloke is nice to me and my son. Doesn't mean that he is okay to grab me by the throat, ever, nor does it justify your husband doing it.

It's abuse. Please leave and take your children with you, before it escalates further.

Paradigm

Is it really hysteria though? I'll admit I've only skim read the thread but I don't see hysteria.


Every couple has arguments, sometimes over the most stupid things, that's pretty much normal. What isn't normal is to grab someone by the throat!
What's even more concerning is that instead of showing any remorse the OPs husband is actually turning the screw with comments like "I could have punched you in the face"... to me that's a threat as in what might happen next time you annoy me!


Yep we only have one side of the story but using that "one side" I'll say the OP has to be very careful that this isn't the start of a slippery slope into full on physical abuse.


I say all of the above as a man (last time I looked)

Yvieblue

I haven't seen any posts attacking men in general, if I had I'd be first to argue against tarring everyone with the same brush.
I'm also always very saddened by the fact that domestic abuse towards men is swept under the carpet or trivialised; if this thread was about you suffering abuse at the hands of your partner, I'd give you the same advice.
NOTHING excuses anyone - male or female - grabbing a partner by the throat and physically assaulting them, then making the victim apologise for "making them do it" - my feeling that way is not hysteria, it's common decency and concern - I'm sorry - and surprised - that anyone would see this as a hysterical reaction.

annandale

She was grabbed by the throat. She has two kids who are in my opinion now at risk, because if he's hitting her, they could be next. Nothing hysterical about advising someone in that situation to get out. The fact that he's telling her to take the blame for his actions is sickening and it's mental abuse as well. I hit you but it's your fault. Doing it while her mum and dad were in the house and taunting her over that, he's a disgrace as far as Im concerned.

BrassicWoman

ask your mum to come over while he is at work, and tell her

keeping this secret gives him power; if there is genuinely nothing wrong with what he did, why would he want you to hide it? He cannot have it both ways

I think you know what is best to do for you and the kids already, and I hope all the answers on here give you courage to take a first step

Stop it being secret. Tell your family. Then tell the police, so they know a call out to you is an emergency.

lizziebabe

This must be very worrying for you. Your husband has responded irrationally to a simple request by being violent. This is never acceptable behaviour and puts you in a difficult position regarding your marriage and you and your children's safety.

By making you apologise, he has justified his behaviour and potentially given him an excuse to continue with violence. You have had some good advice here and I urge you to seek help. I also think you should go and stay elsewhere until he can see the error of his ways. However, abusive people rarely change and if he thinks he has got away with his behaviour he will continue and it may escalate.

In my experience sometimes there is a trigger to this type of behaviour, whether it be drugs, extra marital affairs or similar. None of this is your fault and you must not go along with this just to appease the situation. If he was capable of behaving like this with your parents in the next room, goodness knows what he might do if no-one is there.

Please speak to someone soon and if you can, take yourself and your children out of the house. I really feel for you and hope you get the support you need quickly.

paddy's_mum

To do this with your parents in the very next room might also suggest that something outside of the original silly little spat is going on in his head.

I am not apologising nor excusing nor defending him but he took one hell of a risk assaulting you with them right next door.

Is their some massive problem going on in his life that you, as yet, know nothing about. It might explain out of character behaviour.

Kynthia

Sometimes people can diverge on their interpretation of one incident described by a new poster on this site. Some will see abuse, controlling behaviour and gaslighting whereas others will see just a row between a couple, a one-off incident due to other factors or possibly one of the couple having good reason for their behaviour depending on what it is (eg controlling the finances due to the partner repeatedly getting them into debt). Without knowing more from the various OPs and whether there's a history of this behaviour that is understandable.

However it's really hard for the people on this board to diverge in their opinion on this man's behaviour when he's not even sorry and doesn't think he's done anything wrong. I can't think of any decent man, no matter what difficulties he's experiencing in the relationship or elsewhere in his life, that later would think it was okay they'd grabbed their partner by the throat, that the partner was lucky they hadn't hurt them further, and would make them apologise for it happening.

So OP I can't see how you can stay with someone who doesn't think being physically abusive to you was wrong. By keeping it from your friends and family you are helping him rather than yourself although I can imagine it's a big step to talk about it.

paddy's_mum

I too think this incident needs to be brought out into the open perhaps to your parents or his but definitely not kept hushed up.

Some things flourish better in the dark!