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my turn to ask for perspective. .
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As paddy's mum says, it's not as mojisola , there will no long term if the issue goes on. And if he happens to make any contributions that court would recognise I would happily reimburse them. I could bet my last penny that he would create no hassle in moving out though.
Paddy's mum , I been on these forums for long enough to come across countless examples where in unmarried couple with no children partner with no house has no leg to stand on in a short relationship.
Lorraine , how ironic he never had a single point his license or accident. I disagree with you referring to it as a "binge". As I written earlier if I question what people say is because I want to see why do they think what they say is correct. It does not mean I disagree with them. It may come as a surprise to you that advice and opinion one gets on internet forum can come not from completely sound position and as this issue is important to me I tried to clarify people's reasoning behind their opinion.
Tea lover , I listed examples of good examples just because of your post urging me to look at what example does it give to my daughter. I am surprised I have to explain that every person has good and bad in them. I am not sure why you got so annoyed by me listing positive examples to my daughter in explanation why I do not think your earlier remark on what example it gives to her is appropriate.
Thank you for all that contributed, I am not going to keep replying here as I find I have to repeat myself .This thread consumed most of my free/ish time today in which I was meant to do coursework so I am disappointed in myself. I shall update you in a year time, feel free to write here as I am most likely will read it since I am addicted to my phone and MSE (talking about addictions haha).The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0 -
I don't know about anyone else but i find the reply to Hazyjo shocking. I hope justme eventually sees that as well.I do not think it would be appropriate for me to initiate conversation on the reasons for his drinking. In any case motives of whatever a person does wrong are usually deeply buried and not acknowledged even to oneself . And if there are no particular reasons other than a habit from his single days with a lot of work , pressure and money than there are no reasons. How can one give reasons for addiction? It just is .. chemicals in brain and so on..
Hazyjo , we are all going to die from something. So I am afraid atrial fibrillation ,strokes and cancers are going to happen to all of us , drinking or not. Granted , if drinking it is likely to happen sooner. But portraing it in a way as if only the sinners suffered from illnesses may be not a valid argument in discussion.
Edit- just read the last post. Head buried in sand. Well, we tried. Hopefully she will mull this over and re read it all.
It may be coursework for you that you missed out, by starting a thread here and actually having people try to help- but i think i am too late to make any dint on my ironing now.
edit to say- sorry if that was too harsh! I do wish you the best.weight loss target 23lbs/49lb0 -
If it does not affect me in any tangible way now why would I stop the relationship because it could in the future? If it does then I will be free to stop it. How did people's life got ruined in your experience ?
You told us you don't like his drinking. You don't know why, but you know you don't.
This is your intuition ringing a big loud warning bell.
You probably don't like it because you know it's not healthy.
There's a good chance you don't like it because he lies because of it, and you don't want to live a life where you are taken for a fool with stupid tricks like hiding empties, that a child could see through.
You said you don't like it because you think he prioritses drinking over spending time in bed with you.
If I was you I wouldn't like it because your future is uncertain as there's a high risk this health will deteriorate, or the problem get worse.
However, you clearly also don't like the thought of giving up on this relationship, so you are looking for reasons why it's you that's in the wrong, unreasonable, overreacting, not personally effected etc.
If you keep doing this you'll probably convince yourself and you can move forward and develop the relationship.
However, I doubt you'll ever be rid of the uncomfortable feeling you have when he drinks.
You don't like it, and you have good reason.
Put your hands up.0 -
"I do not think it would be appropriate for me to initiate conversation on the reasons for his drinking. In any case motives of whatever a person does wrong are usually deeply buried and not acknowledged even to oneself . And if there are no particular reasons other than a habit from his single days with a lot of work , pressure and money than there are no reasons. How can one give reasons for addiction? It just is .. chemicals in brain and so on..
Hazyjo , we are all going to die from something. So I am afraid atrial fibrillation ,strokes and cancers are going to happen to all of us , drinking or not. Granted , if drinking it is likely to happen sooner. But portraing it in a way as if only the sinners suffered from illnesses may be not a valid argument in discussion."
Wow, as a recovering alcoholic of 8 years sober (so i know a thing or two) i am appalled at your reply.
Maybe he drinks because of your cold/calculated/ blinkered/detatched attitude.:eek:
I think he needs the help, not you.,Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.0 -
AylesburyDuck wrote: »"I do not think it would be appropriate for me to initiate conversation on the reasons for his drinking. In any case motives of whatever a person does wrong are usually deeply buried and not acknowledged even to oneself . And if there are no particular reasons other than a habit from his single days with a lot of work , pressure and money than there are no reasons. How can one give reasons for addiction? It just is .. chemicals in brain and so on..
Hazyjo , we are all going to die from something. So I am afraid atrial fibrillation ,strokes and cancers are going to happen to all of us , drinking or not. Granted , if drinking it is likely to happen sooner. But portraing it in a way as if only the sinners suffered from illnesses may be not a valid argument in discussion."
Wow, as a recovering alcoholic of 8 years sober (so i know a thing or two) i am appalled at your reply.
Maybe he drinks because of your cold/calculated/ blinkered/detatched attitude.:eek:
I think he needs the help, not you.
But harsh, no?
The OP doesn't come across as detached to me, just desperately seeking reasons to avoid and minimise the issue, as facing it may make the relationship untenable.
I doubt she really thinks this or she wouldn't be posting. I think she's trying to convince herself.
Put your hands up.0 -
Now thats not what its comming across like to me at all.But harsh, no?
The OP doesn't come across as detached to me, just desperately seeking reasons to avoid and minimise the issue, as facing it may make the relationship untenable.
I doubt she really thinks this or she wouldn't be posting. I think she's trying to convince herself.
And yes agreed she's trying to convince herself of something, but what that something is eludes me!,Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.0 -
globetraveller wrote: »I don't know about anyone else but i find the reply to Hazyjo shocking. I hope justme eventually sees that as well.
Edit- just read the last post. Head buried in sand. Well, we tried. Hopefully she will mull this over and re read it all.
It may be coursework for you that you missed out, by starting a thread here and actually having people try to help- but i think i am too late to make any dint on my ironing now.
edit to say- sorry if that was too harsh! I do wish you the best.globetraveller wrote: »I don't know about anyone else but i find the reply to Hazyjo shocking.
Yeah count me in lol. I just searched for my name to see if anyone had mentioned me.
I get defensive when people say by not smoking they won't get cancer - or telling smokers they're gonna die of cancer. I've lost over 20 family members, friends of family or friends or their parents. Actually, probably quite a few more! Not many of them smoked.
Strokes too are linked to cigs/booze, but by not drinking or smoking, you're not necessarily going to avoid one!
Alcohol is different. Atrial Fibrillation is a direct result of excessive alcohol. The professor my ex saw said it wasn't down to stress or anything else (he was going through a lot of stress and upset at that time).
When you're standing over him in a hospital bed with his irregular heartbeat up to around 200bpm, with the docs saying it may be a heart attack, with talk of using the defibrillator paddles to restart his heart to see if they can regulate the beat again, maybe you'll feel differently.
He's obviously prepared to take the risk, and you're obviously prepared to live with it. Perhaps you're in denial about your own drinking which is why you're getting defensive? Who knows...
Yes, we all have to die of something. I doubt I'll live 'til I'm 100 lol. None of us is perfect. I'm FAR from it and am def not trying to be preachy lol. My FIL is an alcoholic, my ex was, my BIL is, my BF was addicted to drugs - I've got enough tee-shirts to fill a wardrobe. Just told my story. Was surprised by your reply, but you've made it clear it doesn't bother you, so I'll get me coat lol...
Good luck!
Jx2024 wins: *must start comping again!*0 -
Yeah count me in lol. I just searched for my name to see if anyone had mentioned me.
I get defensive when people say by not smoking they won't get cancer - or telling smokers they're gonna die of cancer. I've lost over 20 family members, friends of family or friends or their parents. Actually, probably quite a few more! Not many of them smoked.
Strokes too are linked to cigs/booze, but by not drinking or smoking, you're not necessarily going to avoid one!
Alcohol is different. Atrial Fibrillation is a direct result of excessive alcohol. The professor my ex saw said it wasn't down to stress or anything else (he was going through a lot of stress and upset at that time).
When you're standing over him in a hospital bed with his irregular heartbeat up to around 200bpm, with the docs saying it may be a heart attack, with talk of using the defibrillator paddles to restart his heart to see if they can regulate the beat again, maybe you'll feel differently.
He's obviously prepared to take the risk, and you're obviously prepared to live with it. Perhaps you're in denial about your own drinking which is why you're getting defensive? Who knows...
Yes, we all have to die of something. I doubt I'll live 'til I'm 100 lol. None of us is perfect. I'm FAR from it and am def not trying to be preachy lol. My FIL is an alcoholic, my ex was, my BIL is, my BF was addicted to drugs - I've got enough tee-shirts to fill a wardrobe. Just told my story. Was surprised by your reply, but you've made it clear it doesn't bother you, so I'll get me coat lol...
Good luck!
Jx
And some of your points highlight exactly what i meant by detatched, thank you.:T
It's so hot here i am actually loosing the ability to brain.,Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.0 -
AylesburyDuck wrote: »Now thats not what its comming across like to me at all.
And yes agreed she's trying to convince herself of something, but what that something is eludes me!
She's trying to convince herself that this is her happy ever after.
If she acknowledges the drinking is a real problem, rather than just her overreacting, she'll need to face that it's most probably not.
The OP is in her 40s and implies previous relationships have failed. She has a lot emotionally invested in this, but has doubts, and I think came here so we could reassure her that it was all ok.
When we couldn't she started to argue against the advice and minimise the problem.
OP didn't want advice, she wanted the decision she appears to have already made affirmed.
Put your hands up.0 -
She's trying to convince herself that this is her happy ever after.
If she acknowledges the drinking is a real problem, rather than just her overreacting, she'll need to face that it's most probably not.
The OP is in her 40s and implies previous relationships have failed. She has a lot emotionally invested in this, but has doubts, and I think came here so we could reassure her that it was all ok.
When we couldn't she started to argue against the advice and minimise the problem.
OP didn't want advice, she wanted the decision she appears to have already made affirmed.
Again, i;m sorry, while i may see a nod towards certain aspects you point out, it still just doesnt come across as that to me
Now i realise your opinion is different to mine, but that is all they are on both sides. Opinions.
Lack of emotion or compassion in some of her posts actually have me swinging in having more sympathy with her partner and not herself.
Sorry, but thats just the way it is.
We are just going to have to agree to disagree on this one.:think:,Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.0
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