my turn to ask for perspective. .

annandale

People can cut down on drinking. It's possible. I think it's a bit odd that the Op posted that her partner has cut down and got the responses she has.

justme111

Update a year later. My bf moved with me last September (I guess it makes him my partner now). After a few talks he cut drinking to weekends. After me pointing out Sunday does not count as weekend it is properly weekends - Friday and Saturdays. If there is a special occasion (party or catching up with friends or beach visit ) it can happen during the week but it has happened on very few occasions and those do not seem to be increasing in frequency. Holiday time it happens on week days , if we are abroad every day and if at home some days . Some times after either particularly stressful or particularly successful day I get alcohol on week days for us - pimms or sider or ale. Happens rarely, once a quarter may be. I am happy with frequency at the moment. Although ideal would been even fewer times in my opinion what is now is within "it's ok" range - in my opinion again. The amount drunk is still too high (3 bottles of wine) on many occasions. But I am happy that he is not trying to get to this amount at a cost of other activities that would be compromised if it was to happen. It does not come in a way - like for example it would if I was in bed but he was still drinking. A couple of weeks ago I made a comment on how his eyes unappealingly glaze over when he is at that level and since then it diminished further. Resuming - his drinking is not a stumbling block for me anymore; it is a minor downside which I am happy to live with as we all have them and I believe it may improve further.

meer53

It's one year later and his drinking is still your focus. Despite what you say, i think it is a stumbling block or you wouldn't still be discussing it on here.

Mojisola

justme111 wrote: »

Some times after either particularly stressful or particularly successful day I get alcohol on week days for us

Happens rarely, once a quarter may be. I am happy with frequency at the moment.

The amount drunk is still too high (3 bottles of wine) on many occasions.

Resuming - his drinking is not a stumbling block for me anymore; it is a minor downside which I am happy to live with as we all have them and I believe it may improve further.

meer53 wrote: »

It's one year later and his drinking is still your focus. Despite what you say, i think it is a stumbling block or you wouldn't still be discussing it on here.

It does sound as if it's something that you are having to be watchful about.

Using alcohol as a reward or pick-me-up is fine when those times are very occasional but it does set a pattern which could quickly become more frequent if life goes through a bad phase.

The amount drunk in one session is also a concern.

Is he behaving now because you're monitoring his intake? What would happen if you just ignored his drinking? Would he take over responsibility for the amount he drinks or would he start using more?

I hope you're right and he will become less reliant on booze.

justme111

meer53 wrote: »

It's one year later and his drinking is still your focus. Despite what you say, i think it is a stumbling block or you wouldn't still be discussing it on here.

Is everything that one is aware of classed as "stumbling block"? If so then my wording was misleading, what I meant that it is not something that makes me question our relationship. Not sure what do you mean by " focus" - I was updating a thread that I started. If it meant that it is one's focus then nobody ever would updated threads once situation changed. If you mean that I still keep an eye on it- then yes, sure, and my super detailed recount is a proof of it
Mojisola , he remarked he felt more awake during the weekdays (I have not noticed any change so the remark was unprompted). If I was not around I have no doubts he would have drunk more but likely to a lesser extent than before. It looks like it was a phase in life - divorce , demanding job, high level of income, moving to another part of the country and being alone- that was accompanied by increased drinking and after meeting me he still continued pattern of a few previous years. Re pickup or reward - not concerned about it as if it happens it is initiated by me and I drink little and rarely.

Mojisola

justme111 wrote: »

It looks like it was a phase in life - divorce , demanding job, high level of income, moving to another part of the country and being alone- that was accompanied by increased drinking and after meeting me he still continued pattern of a few previous years.

I hope that he can see his life is better without so much alcohol and that it lasts.

Those of us who have seen addicts relapse as soon as life gets tough can get a bit cynical - fingers crossed that your OH is one of those who makes a permanent change.

justme111

As in his case it looks like habitual drinking ( not to drown sorrows, not related to emotions but just because he is used to it) tough life should not affect it , if anything should collect him more. In any case if it gets worse I know where the door is and for now we both enjoy novelty of cohabitation . I already divorced once someone who's drinking was a big issue for me so it can be done(there were other issues there more important than drinking but it contributed to those issues).

Ozzuk

I used to be a habitual drinker, I could drink enough vodka to drown a small village. A few partners told me I drank way too much. I knew it wasn't a drink problem though, I didn't do it sneakily and knew I could stop if I wanted to.

Which I did last year, I now rarely drink in an evening and usually only one night on a weekend, bottle of vodka lasts weeks not a weekend. For me it was something I enjoyed, but thought maybe its better to ease off so I did.

justme111

Nice to read someone stopped this silly and dangerous habit. One of the issues is that while you may know it is harmless (apart from health , appearance and pocket) but those addicted think they know it as well so where do our draw the line ... My ex used to drink 2 bottles of vodka a week for months at a time and by what I see continued for another 10 years. He was and is perfectly functioning on it - built up a career again, got new family. He always denied he had any issues with alcohol. Until a few months ago when he said in passing during conversation about his liver stopping drinking is the most straightfirward answer but it will be an issue. That was the first time in dozens of years he acknowledged he had an issue. .. I had mixed emotions at hearing it - hurt that he has not before, upset that now it is kind of official while before I could kid myself I was wrong and he did not have a problem, feeling for him how hard it must have been for him to acknowledge it..
My present partner started drinking lemonade instead of wine then moved onto squash- gallons of this stuff are consumed now in our house . Not particularly healthy either but better than wine ..