my turn to ask for perspective. .

justme111

You may have missed the info in my case it was not a problem for anybody but me let alone "everybody around them ".
Thank you for trying to spare me heartache anyway x

Knightsuntold

I thought long and hard about whether to post this, but I'm going to. One good story, one not so good.

Going back many years ago, my relationship crashed in the worst of circumstances. I not only lost my partner, but my entire circle of friends. I started hanging around with my sister and her friends, whom I'd always considered to be big drinkers, when I wasn't, and I never had been. Fast-forward a year, and we were out on a celebration. It suddenly hit me that I was matching them drink for drink. We're taking about five alcopops at 8%, with a shot of vodka mixed in each one, in an hour and a quarter. And I didn't even feel merry. I was that shocked, I went home. I've never drank like that since. I still enjoy a drink, but the maximum will be a glass of wine with dinner, or four vodka and lemonades spread out across an evening. I rarely drink at home. None of this is a conscious decision, I'm not fighting massive desires, it's just the way it goes.

The only other experience that I have is my stepson's natural mum. If you were to meet her when she's sober, she comes across as a quiet, reserved intelligent woman, in a smart suit and pearls. She can hold a decent conversation, and there is a good sense of humour there. When my stepson's dad first met her, she was a woman who liked a drink, but was open about it. She never drank in the day, but thought nothing of a bottle of wine throughout the evening - two or more if she had company. She used it as a way to relax. Tuesdays and Thursdays she didn't drink, unless they were out or had visitors. My stepson's dad didn't have a clue there was anything wrong. When she became pregnant, she stopped drinking all together, and stayed that way for over a year. It was on the day of my stepson's christening that his dad was calling her to leave for church, and ended up going upstairs to see what was wrong. She was passed out on the bed, empty bottle of vodka along side her, baby in the cot. This started a pattern of drinking, tearful excuses, promises that it would never happen again, months of normality and then drinking again. The final straw came when my stepson's dad was working a night-shift. The neighbour rang him to say that his son had been crying for a couple hours, and the neighbour couldn't get an answer at the door. When his dad got home, she wasn't there. She'd popped out to the off-licence, missed the opening hours by minutes, and called in the pub just for one, which had turned into more, leaving a three year old, home alone. She didn't make it home until the clubs had kicked out.

When I met her, I couldn't really believe what I'd been told. I knew it was the truth, but I thought it had been exaggerated or embellished with resentment. She seemed so normal. At the time, we were encouraging contact, and using a contact centre, as it had to be supervised contact. I thought it was a bit over the top, but went with it anyway. One day I received a call asking me to get to the contact centre as soon as possible, to collect my stepson. They wouldn't tell me anything over the phone, so I assumed that she hadn't turned up - it had happened before. When I got there minutes later, there was a police riot van outside, an ambulance just pulling up, and a policeman on the pavement, with his hands held out in a placating gesture. She was lying in the gutter, covered in her own vomit, with a fence post beside her, that she'd been threatening to put the window through with, because the people at the centre wouldn't let her in. Her face was bright red, she was screaming obscenities, legs cut with big holes in her tights, and no shoes. If it hadn't been for the blue suit, I don't think I would have recognised her, at a glance.

The thing is underneath it all, she's a nice person, but she's ill, and the drink brings out some serious demons. I firmly believe that seeing her son was so important to her, that just had a quick drink to cope, and it turned into a lot more. She has ruined so many of his celebrations and important occasions, by turning up drunk and behaving inappropriately. She has three definite phases - stone cold sober, controlled drinking where it's just in the evening with a couple of sober days to prove she's still in control, and absolute loss of control - you never know what you're going to get.

I hope your situation is the former, and through your illness, your partner has realised what he stands to lose - it can happen that way. So saying, it's important for you to bear in mind that it's possible for someone to go months living life the way you want it to be, only for it to slip at some point - I'm not saying that it will happen, but it's possible.

I really do wish you all the best with this.

gonzo127

i think the same as everyone here, in that i wish you the best and hope that you are right that he has changed.

however i am going through this cycle with my best friend and her husband, and just cant imagine it will last, as basically her story has similar overtones to yours, as it she had talks, which reduced his consumption, for a few months, everything got back to being great, then it slowly started getting more, the couple of drinks at the weekend became getting tipsey at the weekend, which turned into getting drunk every now and then at the weekend, to a drink with the midweek game etc etc until it was back to 'pre-talk' levels within the year.

she is now on the third cycle of this (that i know of for certain) with each cycle getting worse to the point in the last one in which she moved in with her mum, talking their kids with her, however, they have talked it over, and he is now 'not drinking' and things are better, and its been just over a month now since he 'properly' drank so is moving back in with him so the kids can have a family Christmas.

i have personally believe i have heard her give every excuse under the sun for his behavior, and how he has changed, and that he isnt an alcoholic and they have caught it before it became a problem that affected everyone else etc etc

but as far as i am concerned, its all monkey nuts, and yes that wasnt the word i wanted to use but the filter dont like the one i want, because it does effect everyone around, maybe not in major and massive ways, but

it effects me, because i worry about her, i also worry about taking my own daughter around their in case he is drunk/in one of his moods.

it effects her parents - probably similar reasons to me

it will effect their kids - obviously, but also possible in other ways, such as them not wanting to invite friends around incase daddy is in a state

it effects his work- it is not unusual for him to turn up late or hung over/still drunk even though he is able to function to a certain degree that people dont always notice

it effects the rest of their friends - they used to have a large friendship group, now they very rarely go out together and with friends

anyways i shall stop my rant on the subject, as i do honestly hope he has changed, just wanted to give the perspective of someone who is on the outside looking in at one of his friends with which he is powerless to help properly

justme111

Knightsuntold , my situation is neither. As in the first one it was your own realisation you drunk more than you liked. In the latter it was someone who did not manage to function while in my case there were no occasions my bf (well partner now) when his behavior was in any way inappropriate or he failed to meet his commitments due to drinking.
Orangesandapples, I am not sure what your issue is with me being happy with my partner's drinking habits at present. You seem to run some paralel conversation with someone who is sure all will be fine now (if you read my posts you would seen I am not), diagnosed at a distance my partner as an alcoholic and a liar . You are sure that his drinking will be an issue again ( I am not sure , but you are!) and that I suddenly lost my sense of olfaction and marbles so that while I noticed before that he drunk I do not now.
On top of it you assumed that we financiall linked and did not notice the irony that it is me who has no income at present after all the reservations of getting closer with someone whos drinking may at some point become a problem from financial point of view. You called me naive - I will stop short from using adjectives in desribing you as a person. I will say your post comes across as spiteful to me.

Knightsuntold

justme111 wrote: »

Knightsuntold , my situation is neither. As in the first one it was your own realisation you drunk more than you liked. In the latter it was someone who did not manage to function while in my case there were no occasions my bf (well partner now) when his behavior was in any way inappropriate or he failed to meet his commitments due to drinking.
.

I'm sorry if I offended you - it wasn't my intention. I can see the parallels, even if you can't. The first situation was that I realised and I changed - it was meant to be supportive, and proof that someone can realise and change their ways, as it appears your partner has done.

The second one was an illustration of how things may not be as you think they are. The woman in question can go a long time completely sober. She can go for months on end where she drinks in moderation, and appears to be in control. My ex was with her for years, married to her and had a child with her, before he realised that she had a history of this, and it was one massive cycle. It was your description of how your partner was, and how he's changed that rang bells with me - I've heard it before.

But, as I said, I wish you all the best, and as long as your happy with your current situation, that's all that matters. Long may it be so.

gonzo127

Knightsuntold wrote: »

I'm sorry if I offended you - it wasn't my intention. I can see the parallels, even if you can't. The first situation was that I realised and I changed - it was meant to be supportive, and proof that someone can realise and change their ways, as it appears your partner has done.

The second one was an illustration of how things may not be as you think they are. The woman in question can go a long time completely sober. She can go for months on end where she drinks in moderation, and appears to be in control. My ex was with her for years, married to her and had a child with her, before he realised that she had a history of this, and it was one massive cycle. It was your description of how your partner was, and how he's changed that rang bells with me - I've heard it before.

But, as I said, I wish you all the best, and as long as your happy with your current situation, that's all that matters. Long may it be so.

the highlight paragraph is what i have seen as well with my best friends husband, the cycle going from drinking to not and back to drinking, with her making excuses and defending him when he 'slips up'

harrys_nan

I really do not know what you are trying to get people to say here, everything that somebody tells you re the drinking, you seem to be putting your head in the sand, drinking doesn't get any better. I have lived with a step father who drunk and believe me it wasn't very nice, now I have a sister who drinks and again that sucks.Why would you want to waste your life like that??
In regards to going to bed at different times, that in itself , just would not bother me, but the reason he stays up later would.
Your life, your choice

Mr_Costcutter

OP, perhaps your focus should be upon your own wellbeing. Your partner's problem with drink has caused you profound upset and sadly probably always will. This is turn will only sap your strength at a time when you require support.

justme111

or has had too many hangovers so has been dismissed from his job or had his jsa sanctioned?

Can you imagine bringing children into this, being an old age pensioner with this man?

Wild imagination goes on.
He NEVER had a single missed day at work due to any hangovers. What is the point of considering it?
Harrys nan , why are you telling me drinking does not get better in response to an update about how it DID get betterbto the extent it is no issue anymore? I did not want people to say anything specific , I just posted an update on how it is NOT a problem at the moment and how I am happy about it and HOPE ( not sure , note it ) that it will continue so. Is it so difficult to write as Twiddlywinks done - "good to hear , beware it may change , happy for you "? What makes you feel obliged to tell me I am wrong in that he does not drink , that it is going to be an issue again , that bad things that never happened before (impact on job or my finances) are going to happen etc ? You do not seembto get that my living with him never have been affected by his drinking apart from a couple of evenings when he wanted to stay up for longer than I did. At the moment I do not have any issues with his drinking at all , what is the point of you tellung me how not nice is to live with drinking people - I do not.

Knightsuntold, I was not offended by your post , sorry if my response given you that impression, I can be somewhat be concise to the point of being abrupt specially when typing in a hurry.
I understood your first example was actually positive one ; I made a point that it was not as good in my case as the guy needed a few nudges instead of looking at himself and thinking it for himself.

justme111

Mr_Costcutter wrote: »

OP, perhaps your focus should be upon your own wellbeing. Your partner's problem with drink has caused you profound upset and sadly probably always will. This is turn will only sap your strength at a time when you require support.

As per update - no problem , no upset.