my turn to ask for perspective. .

Mojisola

justme111 wrote: »

I do not think it would be appropriate for me to initiate conversation on the reasons for his drinking.

If your relationship is advanced enough to move in together, don't you think you should be able to talk about anything?

justme111

Itsanne , as said before I do not base my estimates of his drinking on his words , I base it on what I see. So him:beer: lieing about it is not an issue and I do not see how talking about potential lies is relevant.
I know why he "hides" drinking - because he does not think it is an issue and knowing I see it as an issue does not want to upset me.

A good question of what makes me think it will not continue . If he sees that I am not an observer and feels that I dived into a relationship he may become a better version of himself and not want to lose it.

Itsannie , how do you know who does molding in what ? He has done plenty in many aspects. If anything he is one that done more of it I believe.

Now , what issues could I have with him moving out? He does not own this house , we are not married, if needed than it could be sorted with one call to police saying that a person I do not wish to see in my house refuses to move. Now , the guy may be addicted and it all may not work for a million reasons. But I am as sure as one can be there will be no confrontation re leaving. Water does not burn , wood does not melt , he is done from a material which can make it difficult for me due to emotional manipulation but not confrontation. And in that case it will be decision which is difficult to take , not the execution. So whether we are renting or not will not matter

justme111

Mojisola wrote: »

If your relationship is advanced enough to move in together, don't you think you should be able to talk about anything?

Yep. I would not broach the subject of reasons for drinking because it would be intrusive , patronising, not useful, disrespectful and likely counterproductive. If he wanted to talk he would have talked. As I said before , I never met anybody else who would be like him in not putting any pressure on people around him or passing any judgement. So I believe he would appreciate in being treated the way he treats others.

skattykatty

I would not broach the subject of reasons for drinking because it would be intrusive , patronising, not useful, disrespectful and likely counterproductive. If he wanted to talk he would have talked. As I said before , I never met anybody else who would be like him in not putting any pressure on people around him or passing any judgement. So I believe he would appreciate in being treated the way he treats others.

so there's part of you that's judging him?
is this that part of you that this thread is about?
the tiny part of you that you don't want to reveal to your partner because it may reflect badly on you because he appears so open and unjudgemental?

justme111

skattykatty wrote: »

so there's part of you that's judging him?
is this that part of you that this thread is about?
the tiny part of you that you don't want to reveal to your partner because it may reflect badly on you because he appears so open and unjudgemental?

Nope. I told him straight that his drinking may cause us to separate. I have written it like seven times already. You probably did not read the thread from the start.
Or did I misunderstand you ?
I am just hoping that if he keeps drinking and I break it I will not come to realise in a few years time that I was irreasonable in doing so.

paddy's_mum

justme111 wrote: »

Now , what issues could I have with him moving out? He does not own this house , we are not married, if needed than it could be sorted with one call to police saying that a person I do not wish to see in my house refuses to move ..... I am as sure as one can be there will be no confrontation re leaving

I really don't wish to be rude but this seems to me to be incredibly naive.

I cannot do anything other than urge you to seek a short and straightforward appointment with a solicitor to find out for sure what ramifications would be of him making his permanent home with you. He will not be just a lodger and you may well be walking virtually blindfold into a potentially disastrous situation.

Knowledge is safety. Good luck.

Mojisola

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I cannot do anything other than urge you to seek a short and straightforward appointment with a solicitor to find out for sure what ramifications would be of him making his permanent home with you. He will not be just a lodger and you may well be walking virtually blindfold into a potentially disastrous situation.

As paddy's mum says, it's not as simple as saying it's my house, get out.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/#h-housing
"If you don't have children and your partner is the sole owner, the only way you may be able to claim long-term rights to the property is if you are able to show you have a 'beneficial interest' in it. This is a way of getting a court to formally recognise contributions you have made towards the home."

LorraineL

you posted in the first post how upset you are. He may have 2-3 alcohol free days a week. He may not drink during the day. But he sounds like a functioning alcoholic and he should not be driving the next day after the amount he is consuming.

You sound like you are in complete denial. Why post looking for perspective and then pooh pooh everything people are saying to you.

He sounds like he's consuming at least 60-70 alcohol units a week. More probably. That's drinking to dangerous levels, putting his health at risk and other people at risk if he's driving the day after a binge.

tea_lover

What the hell was the point of this thread? If he's that bleeding great why post about him in the first place, you clearly don't want to take on board what anyone is saying.

globetraveller

I think the key to the whole thing is your last sentence in your opening post.
I do not want to mess this one up...
You need to think why you said that.
In the meantime- time to be brutal. You are enabling him to drink to excess almost every night. No wonder he wants to move in. He has someone who may put up with that and he of course will have more money to spend. Dont assume you know when he drinks. He will have umpteen ways of hiding the extent. He is drinking too much and this will not clear before he drives the next morning. How would you feel if he knocked someone over? Now i was thinking that it was only you that was taking the risk but i had missed the bit where you said you lived with your daughter.
A relative of mine lived with her partner for years. At first she ignored the problem. then she denied to herself there was one. Finally she spoke to him about it and tried to help him. It was too late by then.She tried to speak to his parents but they just wouldn't believe her. He could hide it very successfully when he was drunk. Then came the day she came home from work unexpectedly early to find him asleep on the sofa and the kitchen on fire( chip pan)- and her son sleeping in his bedroom. If she hadn't come home when she did her son would have been dead. She had enough and kicked him out. He did go to the doctor then and liver tests were done and he was bluntly told that the next drink could kill him. He tried to ignore this and then slumped one night in the pub. He was taken to hospital and died in a horrible way a few weeks later.
Don't let this man move in with you. Your life is worth more than that. You may also help save his life- before its come to the point of no return. In any case, ultimately it will be up to him. But you deserve a happy life- and you wont get it like this.
I fully expect you to hate or object to what i have said, but I would rather be frank than !!!!!foot around it. Listen to those who have been through it. Go back and re read your responses. And start to think why you are like this. And why you posted here. What has happened in the past? You are so like my relative was.