my turn to ask for perspective. .

KRB2725

I can pretty much guarantee that your resentment and concern about his drinking will increase when he moves in.

It will be no fun living with someone who is alcohol dependant. If it is an issue before he moves in, it will be a bigger one afterwards.

goodwithsaving

Justme111, I'm not going to entertain a debate about perceptions of acceptability because try going through hell and having nobody believe you and say you're blowing things out of proportion.
What I will say is life is for living. He hides drink and the amount he's drunk - that's not cool. That's the sign of a problem. How do you know h isn't drinking during the day if he's effectively lying to you by swapping half drunk containers for full ones. You don't. Alcoholics lie, it's what they do. It's nothing against you, it's just wired into them that they need a drink. They'll do anything to get that drink and be able to continue to do so in the future. Also, yes they can suddenly degenerate and not be able to work after 30 years. That's a ridiculous suggestion.
Don't talk yourself into accepting it, or trying to justify it because it's not worth it.
I'm sorry if I'm being brutal but having been there, done that I get really angry when people can't see the wood through the trees because the unhappiness caused to the non-drinker is so avoidable by them avoiding getting into situations of co-habitation in the first place.

marisco_2

There seems to be more in your relationship that has the potential to divide you than bring you closer together. I wouldn't even consider having someone move in with me whilst this were the case. I have seen peoples lives ruined by living with someone who is a heavy drinker. It truly isn't worth the grief.

justme111

Mojisola wrote: »

What would his reaction be if you asked him to have a couple of alcohol-free days a week? Could he do it?

He has 2-3 days alcohol free a week at present .
Emmatthews , I am trying to pinpoint why exactly I am resentful for it. Our budgets are separate so i
his drinking does not hurt me financially , quality of his company does not change whether he been drinking or not.
Wellyboots , if the issue becomes more as he moves in as you predicting then I will ask him to move out and there will be ni more "us". I have lived alone for 10 years so reverting to it will be nothing new for me. I guess I see move as a test - we either manage it or split.
Beluga , as far as I remember liver becomes "tired" later on , in the beginning it is other way around - there is more alcohol dehydrogenase or whatever other enzimes so one becomes less affected by the same amount of alcohol due to it.
I know he does not drink earlier in the day because he is at work , because he drives to mine after work and he never drinks when he is driving and because if he drinks I can smell it on him/can tell by tail tell signs

justme111

marisco wrote: »

There seems to be more in your relationship that has the potential to divide you than bring you closer together. I wouldn't even consider having someone move in with me whilst this were the case. I have seen peoples lives ruined by living with someone who is a heavy drinker. It truly isn't worth the grief.

If it does not affect me in any tangible way now why would I stop the relationship because it could in the future? If it does then I will be free to stop it. How did people's life got ruined in your experience ?

goodwithsaving

justme111 wrote: »

If it does not affect me in any tangible way now why would I stop the relationship because it could in the future? If it does then I will be free to stop it. How did people's life got ruined in your experience ?

You're being completely naiive and quite irritatingly stupid about it (blase, almost), if I'm completely honest. Live with it, then you'll find out. It ruins lives.

justme111

marisco wrote: »

There seems to be more in your relationship that has the potential to divide you than bring you closer together. I wouldn't even consider having someone move in with me whilst this were the case. I have seen peoples lives ruined by living with someone who is a heavy drinker. It truly isn't worth the grief.

I see drinking , differences in personalities and negatives in sex life as something that could divide us and I listed those here. There are many things about him that make me think we may be good together , I was not talking about them as the topic of this thread is not about them. I listed some of them as examples of him changing his lifestyle /incorporating in it things that make us work.

justme111

goodwithsaving wrote: »

You're being completely naiive and quite irritatingly stupid about it (blase, almost), if I'm completely honest. Live with it, then you'll find out. It ruins lives.

I know it can ruin lives. It is a different statement to " every man living who at some point of their lives drunk on most days of the week a bottle of wine has ruined lives of their women".
Thank you for your comments though, it is good to get other people's opinion. If I am asking "why" and "how" it does not mean I disagree with you (or others).

splishsplash

I know this sounds terrible, and I apologise in advance, but I'm relieved to hear you are in your forties and he is in his fifties .
I still think you are being naive though.

If he wants to change his drinking, it will be despite you, not because of you.
Feeling accepted and loved will have nothing to do with him changing.
In fact, making him feel accepted and loved while drinking to excess most nights of the week is an unhealthy, enabling behaviour and not in his best interests.

You said he has been drinking this way for many years. Have you suggested a liver function test to him? Might be no harm? You describe several symptoms of alcohol dependency - tolerance, persistent use, unsuccessful efforts to cut down or stop - so he may well already have liver disease.

I could never be in a relationship with an alcoholic any more than I could be in any other relationship where I was not an equal partner. You can never compete with an addiction, I'm afraid, you will always come second. A little reflection on why you think you don't deserve better might be useful?

pickledonionspaceraider

Can I ask OP, why do you want him to stop? You don't give a specific reason - are you worried about his health, his finances?

You say his personality doesn't change and he is funnier.

TBH it sounds a bit controlling that you have a problem with him surfing the internet when he want to?! Sorry mate but it does.

You seem mixed up, you insinuate his drinking is a deal breaker, but then you are moving in together?!

Whilst you have these doubts you would be well advised to call off the moving in together until you feel you have a solid enough relationship to not having to ask for advice from strangers and to think you are in your 40s and 50s.... I actually LOL when I read that as it comes across as a controlling teenagers post

Get off his back. If he wants to slow it down, he will. Or are you one of those people who meet a man so you can change him