my turn to ask for perspective. .

Newdirections

it will probably only get worse (sorry, not what you wanted to hear).

Mojisola

justme111 wrote: »

I told him a while ago his alcohol consumption is one of the issues our relationship may not work for.

He acknowledged that his alcohol consumption is way above recommended norm.

I still vehemently dislike it but I question my dislike and whether it comes from the right place and what to do with it.

Comments and questions welcome as I want to do what is right , I do not want to mess this one up ..

justme111 wrote: »

Mojisola , my question was not whether I should move with him or not. My question was what forumite's opinion on my feelings.

itsanne wrote: »

Perhaps deep down you really know what everyone is telling you but it doesn't 'fit' with the decision for him to move in with you?

You seem to be rationalising so that you wonder why you're unhappy about how much he drinks rather than acknowledging how big a problem it is.

Like itsanne, I think your dislike is perfectly rational but you seem determined to ignore your gut instinct.

As I said before, I hope your trust in him makes him respect himself - and you - more and that he will get control over his drinking.

hazyjo

Okay, I've been there. You haven't asked for it, and won't want to hear some of it, but here goes.


My ex husband was a drinker. I thought it was 'social' until I realised that after 3 months of being together (and planning to get married!) that he'd not had a day off drinking.


He did move in with me. He took a month off the booze to prove he could.


But once he was back on it, he was back on it. It wasn't loads, maybe between 4-6 cans of cider a night, and he loved wine. By being a bit of a wine buff, I think he also fooled himself into thinking it wasn't just to get drunk. He was very late 40s when he first had Atrial Fibrillation. I have had two other friends have it too (one has since died). It is a direct result of excessive alcohol. It can lead to strokes (which is what petrified me). It's not just a case of a raised heartbeat. His was over 200bpm, and all over the place, totally irregular. He had gone upstairs, was sweating, heart pounding, and walked to docs who sent him to hospital in an ambulance. I had to leave work and head straight there to witness my big, tough, built-like-a-brick-SH-sorta man being taken out the back of an ambulance looking like a scared child. They didn't know for several hours if it was a heart attack. He stopped drinking for 3 months. Not a drop. Wouldn't even set foot in a pub. Then he was back on 'baby lager' as he called it, not cider. One year later, it happened again and he stopped for 6 months. Obviously back on it again later (his first question to the professor after loads of tests was when could he start drinking again). Under a year later, he had another small attack (age 50-ish).


I realised he saw me as a permanent drinking buddy and friend. It is what we were. We loved each other, but I had to say I didn't want to be in a 'friendship' for the rest of my life. I ended up sleeping on a different floor/bed, and ended up meeting someone else (in the meantime, he was in touch with an old GF, and very good friends with my then BF - another story).


It's very hard when you get on so well with someone to call time on a relationship. Just saying be very careful what you get into. My sister is with a boozer and in a VERY unhappy relationship. Even their 3 kids don't like him. It makes people very selfish.


As for the skewed bed timings, my current BF is off to bed at 10pm-ish and I'm up until around 12.30am. I sleep in a separate room (got too used to that, and I'm a bit of an insomniac. We worried about it because of what other people thought. Once we realised it actually made us very happy and we both slept really well finally, we accepted it and now it's the norm LOL). Each to their own, I say.


Good luck!


Jx

justme111

Itsanne , I can only say again that my conclusions on what he drinks based on what I see , not what he says. I do not need to ask him anything, I witness both his drinking and not drinking. I never seen him lie about anything else when asked directly either so not sure why you assume I can not trust anything he says about his drinking . In any case I do not need to ask anything, I have my eyes to see it. By the way I think it is utterly inappropriate to ask a grown up man who's mother I am not how much he drunk.
You and mojisola may well be right re rationalising. That is what I am trying to figure out.

Bearnard , I think it is quite a leap from horrific effects of alcohol to not wanting to be with one due to his drinking. In any case I shall not stay with him long term if drinking like this continues so it will not be my problem. And if drinking does not continue than he will be just like probably half of humanity with history of harmful behaviour. You did not guess right about me worrying re last chance. What could be close is a couple of poster's question of why do not I think I deserve better. A bit of history - since I separated with my ex husband I seen many men , some more seriously than others. I have not come even close to living with anybody of them. I find it really hard to find someone I could be compatible with, my checklist used to be longer than war and piece. I wanted all and ready , just like in a theory of key and lock. May be it is not that way though? May be it is more like 2 moldable objects when being together shaping each other into well fitting ones?

emsywoo123

I lived with a man for 2 years, almost identical to how you describe, you sound horrifically like me as well. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

You won't change your mind because of this thread or MSE, because it is one of those crappy situations that you have to live in every single second of every day before you realise. But I wish you every luck in the world.

I always think of this: if a frog is placed in boiling water, it will jump out, but if it is placed in cold water that is slowly heated, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death.

The truth of that statement is irrelevant (I have no desire to cook frogs to find out!) but the gist is right. It'll creep up on you.

tea_lover

Is this really the kind of example you want to set your daughter?

AylesburyDuck

Appologies if this question has been asked and i have missed it, but, may i ask wether you have had the conversation of WHY he drinks to excess, their must be a reason for it, but it may be hard to dig it out!

justme111

Tea lover , it is an example of a couple where nobody shouts , where a male part of the couple is an extremely polite , diplomatic and highly educated. It is an example of a couple that does things together, nobody is cheating , nobody gets in debt. A couple which does not argue , which does appreciate intimacy at a difference to striking number of couples rhat have sex twice a year. A couple where male part of it talks to her , plays with her , cooks the best curry she has ever tried for her. His children are now students , both earning money as well in the field that they study. I have spent time with them and his son comes across as extremely well adjusted guy with great social skills ( and that is keeping in mind he was a teenager when I met him first!) , his daughter talented and intelligent enough to aim for first degree. He has good relationship with both of them despite extreme animosity with their mother during divorce. They have very close bond with each other as well. H
It is not prefect. I am not perfect , he is not perfect.
I do not believe that I am guilty of creating bad examples for my daughter by being with him any more than 95% of population which happened to be noticeably imperfect.
In any case if I drop him due to his alcohol intake it will be a very good example for her of how damaging alcohol can be.

itsanne

justme111 wrote: »

Itsanne , I can only say again that my conclusions on what he drinks based on what I see , not what he says. I do not need to ask him anything, I witness both his drinking and not drinking. I never seen him lie about anything else when asked directly either so not sure why you assume I can not trust anything he says about his drinking . In any case I do not need to ask anything, I have my eyes to see it. By the way I think it is utterly inappropriate to ask a grown up man who's mother I am not how much he drunk.
You and mojisola may well be right re rationalising. That is what I am trying to figure out.

People depending on drink lie about their consumption even where they're normally truthful and honest. They may even pretend to themselves, as in buying boxes rather than bottles of wine to avoid seeing just how many bottles they're getting through. Why do you think "he hides drink - well not exactly hides but on the same line - removing empty bottles or boxes of wine out of my sight, swapping nearly empty box for a full one in the same position in the fridge when I am not around"? (That's a rhetorical question - just think about it rather than reply.)

As far as questioning a grown man about his alcohol intake is concerned, it's not that simple. If OH began to drink so much that it worried / concerned me I wouldn't think twice about questionning his intake - and I definitely don't think about him in a motherly way! :eek: Your situation is different because you're at the start of a relationship where alcohol is already an issue, so perhaps it's harder for you because what you want is for your boyfriend to change the behaviour he's had throughout your relationship. However, not questionning how much he is drinking before taking the next step seems to me to be risky for you and your daughter.

justme111 wrote: »

I shall not stay with him long term if drinking like this continues so it will not be my problem.

If he's been drinking like this as long as you've known him, what makes you think it won't continue? (Rhetorical again.) That seems like wishful thinking.

justme111 wrote: »

May be it is more like 2 moldable objects when being together shaping each other into well fitting ones?

At present, you seem to be the one doing the moulding, not liking the amount he drinks but justifying it (to yourself) as not really a big problem.


I wouldn't dream of telling you to abandon the relationship, but I would suggest you slow things down a bit, even if by jointly renting (and renting out your house), before he moves in in a more permanent fashion.

All this ^^^^ sounds very negative, but for your sake I sincerely hope alcohol isn't going to be the big problem the rest of us anticipate. Time will tell and I'd be delighted to be proved wrong. Good luck with whatever you decide.

justme111

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

Appologies if this question has been asked and i have missed it, but, may i ask wether you have had the conversation of WHY he drinks to excess, their must be a reason for it, but it may be hard to dig it out!

I do not think it would be appropriate for me to initiate conversation on the reasons for his drinking. In any case motives of whatever a person does wrong are usually deeply buried and not acknowledged even to oneself . And if there are no particular reasons other than a habit from his single days with a lot of work , pressure and money than there are no reasons. How can one give reasons for addiction? It just is .. chemicals in brain and so on..

Hazyjo , we are all going to die from something. So I am afraid atrial fibrillation ,strokes and cancers are going to happen to all of us , drinking or not. Granted , if drinking it is likely to happen sooner. But portraing it in a way as if only the sinners suffered from illnesses may be not a valid argument in discussion.