my turn to ask for perspective. .

justme111

It was not a terrible thing to say at all , why do you think it was?:) . I understand if we were younger than there would be more potential for things to go wrong in this scenario. I would have thought on why don't I think I deserve better if I could see anything bad from it apart from broken capillaries in the skin of his nose making it purplish colour ( some would argue it is age related change). As I said before , his behaviour does not change , it does not affect me financially - so why don't I like it to such an extent as it being potential break up reason? I done this thread in an attempt to figure out why. .
I believe it was about 5 years of this type of drinking. It might been there before but I have no way of finding out. It might have been worse before he met me.

justme111

Pickleonionspacerider, see my post just above yours, I myself wonder why.

Better_Days

I've had two close friends who were in a relationship with an alcoholic. Neither ended well. Both used drink as an emotional crutch and this affected their ability to maintain their relationships with their partners as ultimately alcohol was more important than their partner.

Both of my friends tried unsuccessfully to encourage their partners to moderate their drinking. One like your partner hid his drinking by for example filling bottles of wine with water. The other flaunted his drinking which became increasingly excessive and had financial implications for both of them. He also became controlling and emotionally abusive. It took her 7 years to get out of that relationship.

My MIL also liked to drink every evening, and I would never of thought of her as an alcoholic. But it was fairly heavy drinking over many many years. She died suddenly in her early 50's as a result of liver failure. I'll never forget that 5am phone call, she was a lovely lady and I still miss her in our lives.

Of course it is impossible to generalise from these examples but I'd caution that the pattern, the nature, the amount and the impact of the drinking on your partners health may well all change for the worse over time. The attempts to hide the amount of drinking is concerning. I suspect things wont improve unless your partner has a 'light-bulb moment' - but that is out of your control. This doesn't bode well for your future together.

I suggest you contact either a local or national charity for advice and to further your understanding of alcoholism/dependency so you can better make an informed decision regarding moving in together. You may also find this article on co-dependence interesting - I'm not saying that is where you are now - but it does provide an insight into how tangled lives can become when love and addiction are bought together. http://www.doitnow.org/pages/804.html

Nargleblast

It is not just liver failure you have to think about - what about oesophageal varices? When they "go" it is not a pretty sight. And do you really know exactly how much he drinks? Is he drinking when you're not around as well as when you are there? Is this a habit he has had for many years, since before you met him? If so, the damage to his body could be quite advanced.

You have to think carefully about what you want out of all this.

Caroline_a

I lived with a man who was alcohol dependent for some years. He became belligerent when drinking, and once or twice tried to be violent - that stopped immediately when I called the police on him. I did stay with him a long time - why? Well firstly I naively thought I could change him, as so many of us do! Wrong. If he didnt want to change then nothing that I could do would have made a difference!

Secondly, we owned a house together and there was that 'stepping into the abyss' thought when I was thinking of leaving him.

Looking back I spent my life trying to avoid the invariable conflict that would happen when he drank, cooking delicious meals to stop him drinking, taking us both out for country drives, etc. The lifting of stress when I left him was massive - I didn't realise while I was in the middle of it!

I would say, be very wary of moving in together. If it bothers you now, it will be much much worse when you live together.

Mojisola

justme111 wrote: »

To those who suggest a couple of days a week with no alcohol - he does have a couple of days a week with no alcohol at present.

Yes he hides drink - well not exactly hides but on the same line - removing empty bottles or boxes of wine out of my sight, swapping nearly empty box for a full one in the same position in the fridge when I am not around etc.

No he does not drink during day time that is sure.

Actually it was that thread that coincided with 3 days of quiet a bit of drinking on a trot that prompted me to post.

I would not call it naivete , I would call it optimism and experience of seeing many people change to better or worse depending o circumstances .

I don't think anything anyone says is going to change your mind so I hope you're right about him changing for the better when he moves in with you.

I would struggle to believe what any alcohol-dependent person said about their drinking if I already had evidence that he/she lied about the amount they were consuming.

Kynthia

I have little personal experience thankfully. However I can tell you about a friend of a family member. Actually both of tge married couple were functioning alcoholics and tge woman held down a very professional and we'll paid job for years. However her drinking did start to spiral and it was the home life that suffered first as she tried to maintain a front at work. Her sons would find her passed out naked on the stairs (they were early 20s and not children thankfully but embarrassing when they'd brought people home) and there'd be drunken rows and vomiting (or worse accidents). Then she started drinking at work and hiding the bottles in filing cabinets. She lost her job and things got bad until she was found dead one day. This happened relatively quickly and before retirement age, so late 50s. Obviously her husband was distraught and drank himself into liver failure.

I'm not sure I'd take the risk of getting more involved with someone with an addiction. Thry do often deteriorate and it does affect those around them. He's drinking for a reason, usually it's emotional in order to not deal with something or because he can't handle things. Being emotionally close with someone who can't or won't process their emotions or handle life with normal responses wouldn't really be possible long term if you're healthish emotionally.

paddy's_mum

It's the moving in to your home that's the bit that is worrying me.

If he comes to your home and it all goes pear-shaped, you cannot just pack a bag and walk away, as you could if it was the other way round. You'd be stuck with having to struggle (perhaps legally) to get him out.

Alcohol apart, in your shoes I'd be considering either moving into his place or taking on a place together so that you always have the capacity to alter the situation in a lawful and straightforward way.

Good luck.

justme111

Mojisola , my question was not whether I should move with him or not. My question was what forumite's opinion on my feelings.
I know he does not drink for a couple of days a week not because he tells me so but because I see it. The same as I see it when he does drink.
Paddy's mum - I see where you coming from. I do not think I would have any issues with him moving out unless it is after years of cohabitation and if we last for years then drinking would have been sorted. I live in a mortgaged house with a daughter , he lives in rented so it makes sense for him to move. I understand it has an element of risk to it and I will think about what people said .

itsanne

justme111 wrote: »

I myself wonder why.

Perhaps deep down you really know what everyone is telling you but it doesn't 'fit' with the decision for him to move in with you?

What he does to mask how much wine he's drinking is a clear indication of how how much of a problem it's going to be. You can't trust anything he says about how much or when he drinks but you don't want to accept that. You seem to be rationalising so that you wonder why you're unhappy about how much he drinks rather than acknowledging how big a problem it is.

You have clearly already decided to live together despite a number of issues. I hope it works as you hope it will. However, I would suggest you seriously reconsider how to move forward - at the very least by following paddy's mum's advice, even if only until you see how things go.