my turn to ask for perspective. .

justme111

People can interpret whatever they meet only through their previous experiences and knowledge. If someone never came across of an attempt at impartial analysis of emotional situation then that attempt will look like being heartless , cold and detached.
(By the way , aylesburyduck , why do you have issues with me saying all people die as a result of illness and illness has not nice symptoms? I did not create this world like that , it is not my fault, honestly. I would not say it to someone much older or ill as it would be insensitive. On this forum we tend not to make those allowances unless we know poster's life. I thought about it later - it might have hit you as you had issues with alcohol and your health may be not great. I apologise if it is the case and it hurt you. I hate all hurt in the world, I been close to death myself in the past at the point where nobody but my ex believed I would survive and my mother was buying funeral attire. I have lost my mother and my uncle in the last 2 years, I am very conscious of how short life is . please accept my apologies if I hurt you.)

If one never came across someone who genuinely questions one's thoughts , emotions and motives than those doubts would come across as desire to brush them off and stick head in the sand.

If people are not used to debating something than any questions they take as disagreement.

Have you noticed that often is the op who gets annoyed at responses for not agreeing with them ? In this thread many of you got annoyed with me for questioning your statements. So negative remarks on my personality and parenting started. What I have written have been completely ignored because it did not fit preconceived agenda. It actually made me sad that I am part of it and it made me question myself on writing on this particular forum.

You do not have to choose who you have sympathy with - me or my partner. We are not at war, whether we are together or separated you can feel or be happy for both of us.

AylesburyDuck

justme111 wrote: »

People can interpret whatever they meet only through their previous experiences and knowledge. If someone never came across of an attempt at impartial analysis of emotional situation then that attempt will look like being heartless , cold and detached.
(By the way , aylesburyduck , why do you have issues with me saying all people die as a result of illness and illness has not nice symptoms? I did not create this world like that , it is not my fault, honestly. I would not say it to someone much older or ill as it would be insensitive. On this forum we tend not to make those allowances unless we know poster's life. I thought about it later - it might have hit you as you had issues with alcohol and your health may be not great. I apologise if it is the case and it hurt you. I hate all hurt in the world, I been close to death myself in the past at the point where nobody but my ex believed I would survive and my mother was buying funeral attire. I have lost my mother and my uncle in the last 2 years, I am very conscious of how short life is . please accept my apologies if I hurt you.)

If one never came across someone who genuinely questions one's thoughts , emotions and motives than those doubts would come across as desire to brush them off and stick head in the sand.

If people are not used to debating something than any questions they take as disagreement.

Have you noticed that often is the op who gets annoyed at responses for not agreeing with them ? In this thread many of you got annoyed with me for questioning your statements. So negative remarks on my personality and parenting started. What I have written have been completely ignored because it did not fit preconceived agenda. It actually made me sad that I am part of it and it made me question myself on writing on this particular forum.

You do not have to choose who you have sympathy with - me or my partner. We are not at war, whether we are together or separated you can feel or be happy for both of us.

No need for apologys, i think you'll find it was hazyjo that found more offence at the bolded, not me.
I just found your reply in general appaling, non more so than the rest. More the lack of communication with your other half. Communication is after all key to happy relationships, people do not carry around a crystal ball.
My health is totally fine, andno hurt on my part, so no need for any concern there.
Indeed we do not have to choose who we side with, alas human nature prevails and invariably choices wether verbalised or not are made.:think:

justme111

Glad to hear you ok.
I will not make concessions then:D
Does your guess of lack of communication with my other half comes from the same crystal ball as a guess about my drinking ( may be 3 units a week at most) or a guess that I want this relationship to work because I worry my age will mean I will not have other chances for relationships ( the older I get the more popular I am with opposite sex funnily enough)?
Or you honestly missed my 3 posts where I said I told him his drinking may be the reason for us to go separate ways ?
Or you honestly believe that I should say I am concerned to him like every day ? I got no idea where you taken lack of communication from, this thread was me thinking before I speak because I value him and not arrogant enough to think my feelings are always right ;sounding people's opinions to help me to think , not lack of communication.
I think both me and him will be better people as a result of this relationship whether it goes on or not. You missed the point - there is no conflict hence not even hint of taking sides should have entered your mind. Harsh? Well , if you re read your messages they are far worse.

Izadora

justme111 wrote: »

I got no idea where you taken lack of communication from

At a guess I would say it was this:

justme111 wrote: »

I do not think it would be appropriate for me to initiate conversation on the reasons for his drinking.

I find it slightly worrying that you're considering sharing your life with someone and you're not comfortable asking them about something which is such a fundamental part of who they are.

justme111

Izadora wrote: »

At a guess I would say it was this:



I find it slightly worrying that you're considering sharing your life with someone and you're not comfortable asking them about something which is such a fundamental part of who they are.

So you think I should ask him questions about why he does something I disapprove of? Why don't you check what an average man thinks about this course of actions before suggesting it and even branding people who think different to you as poor communicators?

Izadora

justme111 wrote: »

So you think I should ask him questions about why he does something I disapprove of?

Unequivocally, yes.

justme111 wrote: »

Why don't you check what an average man thinks about this course of actions before suggesting it and even branding people who think different to you as poor communicators?

I don't for a second think he, or any other man/woman, would like it very much. Most of us don't like to be questioned over our actions but I also think that it's something which any life partner has an absolute right to ask when it's regarding something which affects them negatively. I don't see how you're meant to resolve an issue without having a frank, if somewhat awkward, conversation about it.

I also think the tone you're taking with the majority of posters on this thread says much more about your communication skills than any reluctance to ask your partner difficult questions.

Primrose

You've asked for a perspective so here is mine.
I assume you are still young. You hate heavy alcohol consumption.
How will you feel in ten or twenty years time if you are still with this individual who is now obese through alcohol consumption, has been sacked or sidelined for promotion in his job because he is known as the Alchie, has permanently damaged his kidneys or liver, and you have no money to feed your children or pay the bills because he has spent it on booze?

Answer this question honestly. The only person you will be deluding is yourself. Heavy drinkers when young rately change their habits. Please wake up, smell the coffee and DON'T move in and tie yourself to this man. .

hazyjo

Primrose wrote: »

I assume you are still young.

justme111 wrote: »

...we are a bit older so (40s and 50s respectively) ...

See above. Not young.


I would be very interested to see what the OP has to say after a couple of years of living with him. I thought my ex and I were great together but it's different when you live with them. I LOVE a drink. But my ex put me to shame lol - I'd never stepped foot in my local pub (5 mins walk away) 'til he moved in. He went there on his own the day of our engagement party - I went slightly mad as I thought he was slightly mad himself - we'd just spent a couple of hundred on alcohol and food and we'd be drinking all night. Was totally out the blue - he'd never done it before. He didn't even know anyone there. But that was that - it became a regular thing, and I'd often stop in and meet him on the way home from the station (2 mins walk from pub). We LOVED each other's company, but mostly it revolved around alcohol. We never hated each other, it just didn't work out, mainly due to his drinking.


On a weekend, we had to go see all the parents in the morning so he could get home, ready and outside the pub for midday. One Spanish holiday, we sat in this manky old British style dark long pub just so he could get Strongbow.


I don't care what people drink, what they do, I am not a judgemental person (Jeez, read some of my posts lol) - the only reason I got involved in this thread was because you sounded like me (except I drink more and will probably be in my grave long before you lol!). Just saying it's not an easy life. And the moods will come, and the aggression - when he has to take you into account, and do things you want/expect him to do. Drinkers can be very selfish.


Jx

1886

IMO get everything sorted out before you move in together. Do not move in beforehand.

I live with my partner and there's certain things that are an issue, mainly how untidy she is and her drinking and I can't ever see it changing. It gets me down, she goes in to the kitchen to make a cup of tea and it looks like a three year old has been at play in there when she leaves

Detroit

justme111 wrote: »

So you think I should ask him questions about why he does something I disapprove of? Why don't you check what an average man thinks about this course of actions before suggesting it and even branding people who think different to you as poor communicators?

There's many of us wouldn't allow the 'average man's' thoughts to prevent us from discussing something that was an issue, and this is probably why this wasn't checked before posting!

This sounds a very desperate thing to say, implying you need to suppress your views and questions to avoid upsetting him/the average man.