my turn to ask for perspective. .

AylesburyDuck

justme111 wrote: »

Glad to hear you ok.
I will not make concessions then:D
Does your guess of lack of communication with my other half comes from the same crystal ball as a guess about my drinking ( may be 3 units a week at most) or a guess that I want this relationship to work because I worry my age will mean I will not have other chances for relationships ( the older I get the more popular I am with opposite sex funnily enough)?
Or you honestly missed my 3 posts where I said I told him his drinking may be the reason for us to go separate ways ?
Or you honestly believe that I should say I am concerned to him like every day ? I got no idea where you taken lack of communication from, this thread was me thinking before I speak because I value him and not arrogant enough to think my feelings are always right ;sounding people's opinions to help me to think , not lack of communication.
I think both me and him will be better people as a result of this relationship whether it goes on or not. You missed the point - there is no conflict hence not even hint of taking sides should have entered your mind. Harsh? Well , if you re read your messages they are far worse.

Well half of that didnt even relate to anything i'd said so.........:doh:
As for the rest of it........
I am actually now at a loss as to why you even started the thread, it appears you have it all sorted in your mind anyhow.
Why post on an internet forum where you will get responses of all kinds.
Your not going to get me to agree with you, if you think my responses are harsh then blimey buckle up because this forum and some of its members can give you a way bumpier ride than little old me.
I've stated my opinon so i'm not sure what else you want from me, move along!

justme111

Hazyjo , your ex sounds much worse from the pov of priorities. I shall update you lot , hopefully we all be alive in a year. I told my bf what I was thinking - I did not intend to until I figure out what and how to do and say but he asked whether there was anything he has done that upset me as I told him about having weird not a nice dream the night before (I dreamt of killing the kitten by hitting their head on the worktop because I had non planned litter where we could not keep them. To put it in the context - I can cry for dead snail!). So as he asked he got a reply.
He agreed with everything, I hope it will work but I am worried if it does not and I feel so much for him - I almost physically felt his hurt as I was talking to him . Things been fine since but a bid sad or may be it is my paranoia. Shall think of something nice to do for him...

Detroit

justme111 wrote: »

Hazyjo , your ex sounds much worse from the pov of priorities. I shall update you lot , hopefully we all be alive in a year. I told my bf what I was thinking - I did not intend to until I figure out what and how to do and say but he asked whether there was anything he has done that upset me as I told him about having weird not a nice dream the night before (I dreamt of killing the kitten by hitting their head on the worktop because I had non planned litter where we could not keep them. To put it in the context - I can cry for dead snail!). So as he asked he got a reply.
He agreed with everything, I hope it will work but I am worried if it does not and I feel so much for him - I almost physically felt his hurt as I was talking to him . Things been fine since but a bid sad or may be it is my paranoia. Shall think of something nice to do for him...

I'm glad the conversation went well, but I do feel you are focusing too much on his feelings at the expense of your own.

Empathy is an excellent trait, but at its extreme it can prevent you from exercising your own rights within a relationship.

If you hurt him by speaking out, obviously this won't feel good, but the alternative wouldn't meet your own needs, and if this results in you ending the relationship, would no doubt hurt him more.

You've given him an opportunity to address behaviour that is upsetting you, and as an adult in the relationship, he's entitled to this.
I would guess you did this very tentatively, and portrayed it as your problem not his anyway, so he may have less wounded feelings than you're projecting onto him.

If the conversation results in him changing unhealthy behaviour, you will have done him a huge favour.

paddy's_mum

justme111 wrote: »

Shall think of something nice to do for him...

There's something far, far more important that you might be wise to think about.

Now that he knows for absolute certain sure what your feelings about his drinking are, the true test of his love for you is what he does now to allow the relationship to flourish.

If he will not willingly put the brakes on the amount of alcohol he consumes, that should set massive alarm bells ringing.

I wish you well.

Hermia

justme111 wrote: »

So you think I should ask him questions about why he does something I disapprove of? Why don't you check what an average man thinks about this course of actions before suggesting it and even branding people who think different to you as poor communicators?

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone where I felt I couldn't ask them anything and where they felt they couldn't ask me anything. You have to face some very difficult situations in long-term relationships (especially at the end of life) and being open with each other is essential.

The "average man" comment reminds of those tedious relationship books which tell women to learn to communicate like a man and understand a man's thought processes, but doesn't require the man to meet her halfway.

Primrose

You first have to become a "whole" person yourself, so until you are in a frame of mind where you have a strategy worked out and being practiced for your own emotional wellbeing and survival, you are not really going to be fully capable of helping somebody else out.


As has already been suggested, a good relationship has to be able to cope with many difficult issues and if one person in that relationship is unable to do so, it will always be in trouble.


Excessive drinking will always cause relationship problems eventually. it is far better that you raise the issue now and both of you start dealing with it before you share a home together. Once you are trapped in the same home it will be far more difficult to extricate yourself from the situation. How your boyfriend deals with the issue will be an example of how he might deal with other difficult issues which you may have to deal with at some time. Regard it as passing the "entrance examination". If he fails this one you could be in for an uncomfortable ride at a point in your life where it becomes difficult to pick yourself up and start again if it all goes wrong.

justme111

I know it is earlier than a year but a few things changed so I thought I'd post an update.
We went ahead with moving in , I went on holidays shortly after posting this thread while the bf was moving in. Drinking continued , I do not remember whether there were any changes to it's pattern but my overall impression was the same. I kept quiet about it. Then 2 weeks after me rerurning from holidays and his official moving in date a massive life changing event has happened. Out of the blue I been diagnosed with an illness which meant I had to stop work with one day notice and uncertainty whether I will ever be able to work in my field again, whether I will have any sick pay and for gow long and how long I will live . Drinking continued. A few days after I realised I was more stressed about his drinking than about all the disasters I was facing. So I told him that. Since then his drinking been what I would have classed as normal - weekends only. I hope very much it is the end of that issue, I shall update you again in a few months.

justme111

You might have misread my post or I was not clear. He already changed .

Mojisola

justme111 wrote: »

A few days after I realised I was more stressed about his drinking than about all the disasters I was facing. So I told him that.

Since then his drinking been what I would have classed as normal - weekends only. I hope very much it is the end of that issue, I shall update you again in a few months.

justme111 wrote: »

You might have misread my post or I was not clear. He already changed .

It's very unusual for someone to be able to stop just like that, especially during a stressful time. Are you sure he's stopped or is he just hiding it from you?

justme111

Absolutely. Most evenings we spend together, after work he does come home and in any case he would not have drunk if he was driving, he never done that. Even if it was not for physical impossibility to do something like that without me seeing it before when he drunk I could tell he had even without seeing him drinking or any other signs.
I do not see anything unusual in him stopping , I suppose there must be some point of no return when it becomes clinical illness and stronger than one's willpower which is in different places for different people. He must have been before that point. Knowing him and our relationship and how he always been keen in me I would been very surprised if he did not stop. I am more surprised it has taken 3 talks and a major stress event for him to stop , I was beginning to worry he was beyond stopping.
I did not want any chance of a male pride ( "who am I that she tells me what to do") being mixed into it as then I would not have known if he did not stop whether it was due to him digging his heels in defensive resistance or due to him being beyond return physically. So I was careful about what I said and done. It is great , now he has money left at the end of each month to treat me and others ! We talked how nice this side effect of him curbing drinking is. I must say I was waiting with trepidation for his holidays as it used to be time when he drunk more - it went fine. I am a bit worried about the winter holidays as well. I hope very much it will not become worse in the future as it tends to increase gradually as we all know and when would I say something if it was to happen. Hope it will not come to that.