Stil in love but no physical attraction

Peter333

cyantist wrote: »

I think so to an extent - it's about trying and caring about yourself for your own sake and that of your partner. If my husband sat drinking 2 bottles of wine a night, stuffing his face, and didn't want to join me in any attempt to get fit, I would find that wholly unattractive. To go from someone who does bother, exercises, and take cares of himself would mean he had changed a lot as a person, regardless of his appearance.

I'd certainly be looking for reasons why that change might have happened though.

Also some good points. :T

Detroit

cyantist wrote: »

I think so to an extent - it's about trying and caring about yourself for your own sake and that of your partner. If my husband sat drinking 2 bottles of wine a night, stuffing his face, and didn't want to join me in any attempt to get fit, I would find that wholly unattractive. To go from someone who does bother, exercises, and take cares of himself would mean he had changed a lot as a person, regardless of his appearance.

I'd certainly be looking for reasons why that change might have happened though.

The OP didn't say his wife had changed in the way you describe though.
All we know is that over the last year she has put on weight, that she drinks more than is healthy, and has second helpings and 'nibbles'.

The OP did not suggest in any way that this is ALL his wife now does, or that she is in any way depressed or otherwise changed. He stresses she is happy and it's his problem.

As the OP tells it, this is purely about physical change, and for this reason, the posts drawing a parallel with aging/illness are valid.

If the OP can no longer be intimate with his wife of 20 years because her body shape is no longer 'his type' I would anticipate ongoing issues as her appearance moves further away from the youthful ideal.

I really don't understand the distinction made by many between changes people can help and those they can't, with the latter acceptable and the former not.
A partner gains two stone through overeating, and attraction dies, but gains 5 stone due to illness, and it's business as usual?
If lack of attraction is a physical thing, unrelated to their feelings for the person, then how can this be?

Georgiegirl256

Basically, both Peter and Cynantist sum it up well. If someone just basically doesn't try, would rather stuff their face/drink loads than actually try to lose the weight, then that in itself is a turn off and unattractive. It's about having respect for yourself and your partner.

Also, a few pounds here and there are almost envitable, and to be expected as people get older. A few stones through abusing their body with food and drink is not.

And yes, whilst I do prefer my husband thinner I never stop loving him.

Person_one

Do people in relationships have a duty then, to try their hardest to stay looking as close as possible to the way they did when they first met their partner? What if they don't want to because they mature and feel more comfortable looking less perfect, or find that it takes more and more effort as they get older and detracts from enjoying life in other ways?

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

Do people in relationships have a duty then, to try their hardest to stay looking as close as possible to the way they did when they first met their partner?

Couldn't help thinking of these lyrics -

KEEP YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL
From the film "Roman Scandals" (1933)

Athletics, cosmetics, a weighing machine
Are part of the feminine daily routine
For what?

And oceans of lotions and potions you take
To keep that old something or other awake
Why not?

Even after you grow old, baby
You don't have to be a cold baby

Keep young and beautiful
It's your duty to be beautiful
Keep young and beautiful
If you wanta be loved, dah-dah-dah-dah

If you're wise, exercise all the fat off
Take it off, off o' here, off o' there
When you're seen anywhere with your hat off
Have a permanent wave in your hair

Andypandyboy

It smacks to me of the old guides to keeping a man happy from the 50s. You know the thing, never let your man see you have had a hard day, he doesn't need to hear that- make sure you take the time to take off your apron and fix your hair and make up before he comes home......

Detroit

Mojisola wrote: »

Couldn't help thinking of these lyrics -

KEEP YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL
From the film "Roman Scandals" (1933)

Athletics, cosmetics, a weighing machine
Are part of the feminine daily routine
For what?

And oceans of lotions and potions you take
To keep that old something or other awake
Why not?

Even after you grow old, baby
You don't have to be a cold baby

Keep young and beautiful
It's your duty to be beautiful
Keep young and beautiful
If you wanta be loved, dah-dah-dah-dah

If you're wise, exercise all the fat off
Take it off, off o' here, off o' there
When you're seen anywhere with your hat off
Have a permanent wave in your hair

Funny. I'll raise you 'Perfect 10' by Beautiful South.

justme111

Person_one wrote: »

What if they don't want to because they mature and feel more comfortable looking less perfect, or find that it takes more and more effort as they get older and detracts from enjoying life in other ways?

They should be a bit less self centred and think about their partner. If we always done what we feel comfortable with no regard to our partner marriages would not go far

Lambyr

I think gradual, natural change is a different thing to what the OP says. People get older, their looks change, that's true, but when you see them constantly your mind adjusts to each change long before you even really notice it. Some people aren't lying when they say their wife or husband are just as beautiful/handsome as the day they met twenty years ago because in their mind, little has actually changed because the brain has compensated for ageing and that includes the pounds that naturally get added over the years.

Putting on several stone in a matter of months is going to noticeable.

My weight tends to fluctuate a bit. I am tall and have generally carried an athletic build most of my life. These days I can't afford the gym and I really do love pasta and pizza too much. But whenever I start feeling myself struggling to fit into a pair of jeans, I lower the fatty foods and up the exercise as much as I can to maintain my figure.

I'm pretty sure my girlfriend will still want me if I put on some weight but she's obviously attracted to my current body shape so why shouldn't I try and maintain it for her? Why shouldn't I put in some effort for her? She's worth the effort. It's the same reason I put makeup on for her and do my best to make myself look pretty whenever I see her - because I want to make an effort for her and quite honestly, her being attracted to me makes me feel more attractive and good about myself. It's kind of a circle in a way but in my mind we both benefit if I'm making an effort.

Admittedly I've always tried to maintain this body shape anyway, even before I was with her. But I suppose she gives me an extra reason to do it.

I get when you've been married twenty or thirty years it's a lot different and most couples do tend to start relaxing around one another but I personally would still hope that I would want to make some effort. I wouldn't see it as a duty because I'd be doing it as much for me as I would her because it's part of that circle of good feeling.

cyantist

OP can you confirm how much she is drinking? She likes her bottle or two of wine on an evening... is that on a friday/saturday evening or every evening?

If it's the latter then that puts her firmly in the harmful drinkers category (in fact she would likely be consuming 3 x the harmful level) so the weight issue shouldn't really be your main focus