mother in Law grrrrr!!!!

troubleinparadise

I wonder if as an ex-teacher this whole school and performances thing is something she feels very connected and comfortable with, and so might well be very happy to access the website and so on, in a way that others with less familiarity might not?

It represents what were probably many years of her working life, and now she can just enjoy the more relaxed aspects of school in a familiar environment where she would feel confident to walk into alone.

She possibly just hasn't realised that she might be over-stepping the mark re her place in the family hierarchy.

This is difficult to handle tactfully, but there are also the positives that she is so keen to see your son in school performances; far better than disinterest.

FBaby

The problem is not her but your OH. You said it all in your first post she can do no wrong and he wants peace and quiet. You can be sure that means that not only has he encouraged her to be involved in your son's life but probably even inferred how lucky he is to hedge such a great grand mother so the outcome is she thinks she is doing the right thing and now a precedence has been set.

On this basis if you now confront her she will inevitably be confused and conclude you're the problem. The only way or of this is if you're husband said something but I expect that is the last thing he would want and from his perspective it would be much easier to go along with it as after all it is not that often.

As for your son frankly he needs to accept the situation and actually realise he is lucky to have a grandparent who cares. My kids are the same they don't feel overly close to their grand parents and would prefer if they didn't show up in school/activity events but I remind them that it means a lot to them and that's how it is. I expect they'll understand when they become adults and look back grateful for the love and attention they for from family.

missbiggles1

jjj1980 wrote: »

At my daughter's school, any shows are ticketed, even if free. They allocate two tickets to each child to ensure all parents have the chance to see their child. Any spares can be offered by parents to others but this is at each parents choice and must be checked with school first.

I much prefer this way as is completely solves the hassle the OP is having to deal with.

I can completely understand the OP frustrations. I would be telling MIL that she is no longer to assume her presence is welcomed or wanted at any school events without invite. Also, that under no circumstances is age to start going through childs bag, school website rtc. That is for the childs own parents to do.

Also, I would be having quite a stern conversation with OH to remind him that myself and child be the priority and he needs to stand up to his mother.

Well, that'll help family life to run smoothly!

The school's website is a public space and nobody has any right to dictate who reads it.

mumps

Good grief, last week we were out and about and I mentioned to husband it was GCs school summer fete, we agreed if we got back in time we would pop in. Thank heavens the traffic was heavy. I can't imagine how terrible it would have been if we had been able to turn up and support the school. Even worse the other GPs live a couple of hundred miles away so we would have been well out of order to take advantage of living closer.

paddy's_mum

Your husband is also entitled to choose whether or not his mother comes to school projects etc and if he sees no reason to rebuke his mother (for presumption or lack of tact) I wonder what you hope to achieve by telling her to back off?

Might it be better to try to cool your fury before harsh words are said, feelings deeply wounded, a marriage put under needless stress and a husband forced into a position of confrontation?

Pollycat

dodo01 wrote: »

My 'antipathy' is based on 15 years of knowing someone, knowing how their mind works and having a general mother in law /daughter in law relationshi.

What's a 'general mother in law/daughter in law relationship?

From day 1 me and my first mil got on like a house on fire.
She welcomed me into the family and treated me the same as her 2 daughters.
Even when we split she took my side.
I loved her more than my own Mother.

Newly_retired

Gosh, and I was wondering if my DIL might think I was not showing enough interest in her son, as I have not suggested I might go to his school play. She has never invited me to any of his school events and I have only recently lived near enough to go, whereas my daughter often tells me what's on and I know I am welcome to attend her children's school events. In fact they would be a bit miffed if I didn't. They are always happy to see me there, though I don't go to everything. I do have a life of my own too.

This suggests to me that this has far more to do with your attitude to your MIL compared to your own parents, or, from a grandma's point of view, the difference between having a son and having a daughter. The whole dynamic with the grandchildren is different.
I am glad that my daughter's children love me to take an interest, but I don't hold a grudge against my son's children because the relationship is different. I am glad when my interest is appreciated, not scorned. Take care.

justme111

dodo01 wrote: »

. If she is coming then the others need to be invited too to make it fair.

OP , the above quote is a disturbingly bizarre statement. Relationship dynamic that resulted in this statement is bound to have other effects and it does judging by your post.
You say now a pleasant event will be converted into a stressful one - why? What exactly MIL's presence going to do to you ?
I would say you can not tell her not to go if it is open to public event. Besides it would been incredibly spiteful thing to do.
There you have it , marriage and relationships board . Painful (as pointing our deepest fears and biggest flaws to us always is and that is what happens when we have relationship issues as issues arise precisely due to fears and weaknesses) but very useful in its ruthless dissection.

hazyjo

My mum goes along to everything my nieces and nephew do. She is like a second mum. My sis and her OH don't always get on, and my mum doesn't particularly like him which aggravates the situation. My nephew went through drama college, and one of my nieces sings/dances and is in every local theatre group performance going. Mum does a lot of the ferrying around, picks them up from here there and everywhere (my other niece plays football).


I don't think it's 'normal' for her to be so involved. She gets involved in every row/disagreement they have too, my sis tells her everything, which just makes the atmosphere worse. My mum is happy to do it as she doesn't have any real hobbies. She sees friends occasionally and goes away, but she's not the most sociable of people any more (I'm not sure she ever was). She doesn't drink, doesn't really eat, sees a lot of things as 'a waste of money' which is a shame, and her grandchildren are her absolute life. I now feel like one of five, not one of two. Mum says things to them that are totally inappropriate - about their house, the things my BIL does, she'll take their ironing and do that, she moans about him ALL the time.


My BIL works hard, fireman, shifts, etc - and wanted to play golf on Sat, but my niece needed taking to football. Mum has been doing it, but wasn't prepared to as she said he should be doing it. It's stressing me as she gets SO worked up about it and, tbh, sometimes I see both sides.


dodo, it WILL get worse - since my dad died, my mum has got more and more involved. My sis and BIL are happy to have her do things when it suits, but then get annoyed when she won't or when she gets involved in their relationship/home. They can't have it both ways.


After all that, I'm not sure what to suggest. Move away?! Encourage her to get a hobby? If you tell her, it will upset her immensely and cause a huge family rift. I say don't.


Anyway, how long are they at school for? Not long. Try to remember they won't be at school forever and that [STRIKE]the old battleaxe[/STRIKE] their lovely old granny won't be around forever either.


Good luck.


Jx

dodo01

Thank you all for the many replies and views. I have taken them all on board and have dealt with the situation accordingly after discussing it further with hubby.

I can't possibly reply to all of the comments but what I will say is my original post was just a snap shot of a problem that felt real to me. I will take a few things from my first post in this section....

There just isn't enough time in my day to explain every aspect of the dynamics of our family, I asked, I got and I had some very constructive advice.