mother in Law grrrrr!!!!

dodo01

So this is my first time in the family section of M.S.E forum (usually in the house buying etc) so I am hoping for some unbiased advice and opinions please........
I have a Mother in Law who is old school, ex teacher, very serious and lacks a sense of humour. She isn't what one would call a horrible person necessarily. She is quietly !!!!!y,says alot under her breath and one has to bite their tongue-sometimes. I do find myself rising to her as I am not quiet at all, I am opinionated and find it hard not to say what I think. M.i.L can do no wrong in her sons eyes a.k.a my husband / my d.s Daddy. Fair enough she is his Mum. He wants to "keep the peace" which results in quite the opposite really!
My problem is this. She keeps inviting herself to my little ones school plays,fun runs,assembly's etc etc. She lives close to the school and looks on the website or looks in his schoolbag and discovers the odd letter with events that are coming up. I have a Mum who has a partner, M.i.L is divorced with hubby dad now remarried. I tend to keep them all apart ( none of them particularly get on and it's always awkward) I invite them fairly throughout the year to functions and share out the experiences.
My little one has a concert this week and M.i.L has told my husband tonight that she will see him there! She didn't ask she told him. I am furious! What would have been a nice evening for me and hubby has now turned into a problem. If she is coming then the others need to be invited too to make it fair. I am seriously considering telling her she can't come. My son has asked if I would ask her not to. He is a shy thing and doesn't want the whole family watching him do a dance and say some lines, he is embarrassed.
Am I being unreasonable here? Would any of you say anything? Do I put my foot down? I just get the feeling her usual snooty attitude will rile me and we will fall out. Not good for MY family here.
Moral dilemma city! (sorry for the lengthy post!)

Dill

Just say there's limited space, and the parents can't all go asking other family members to attend?

dodo01

It said on the letter she read in his book bag that it wasn't ticketed and it was on a first come first serve basis. She just seem to think she has the 'right' to be there. She can't be ar-sed with him normally. He is far too mush hassle. She'd rather go off on holidays at every given moment and just have all the nice stuff no babysitting etc. :mad:

enthusiasticsaver

Goodness what is it with some mothers and in laws. I actually think she is being very presumptuous being that it is your little boys concert and she told, not asked. I guess it is because she was a teacher and knows how all these things work. I don't think we invited my mum or mum in law to any concerts, sports day etc when our kids were small and I certainly won't expect an invite when my little GD gets to that stage.

Either you will have to be upfront with her and say your little boy does not want to perform in front of the whole family and to be fair you will now have to invite other grandparents which may make the event a bit overwhelming for him. Alternatively tell her that tickets are restricted to parents only. Surely there are space limitations?

More to the point what does your OH say or is he not willing to say no to her? You may have more of a problem with him.

PasturesNew

I think you're dancing on a hot tin roof when there's no need. If the two halves don't get on, let that be their problem and not yours.

Don't "invite" them to events, let them know they're on and they're welcome to also turn up if they wish .... so they don't feel "obliged". Then it's up to them if they choose to spend time/space potentially with the others.

Just dip out of it and save yourself the job of keeping them seperate. Let them all know when stuff's on; let them choose whether to/not attend without it being an "invite" they feel obliged to attend .... and it'll all sort itself out in the coming year without you stressing.

missbiggles1

dodo01 wrote: »

It said on the letter she read in his book bag that it wasn't ticketed and it was on a first come first serve basis. She just seem to think she has the 'right' to be there. She can't be ar-sed with him normally. He is far too mush hassle. She'd rather go off on holidays at every given moment and just have all the nice stuff no babysitting etc. :mad:

There seems to be rather more going on here than you're telling.

TBagpuss

Does the school limit who can come? If not then one option is to let the other relatives know what's on, and let them decide for themselves whether to come. I think unless there are things for which tickets have to bought, you can just drop the rope - let people know whats on and leave it entirely up to them.

For things which have paid tickets, I think you and your husband can decide between you how many people you are willing to pay for, and if necessary, invite them in turn, and let the others know that the event is on, how/where they can buy tickets and that it's entirely up to them whether or not they come.

The bigger picture I think is that you need to speak with your partner and to agree on how you will deal with your MIL. If he is doing (or not doing) stuff which upsets you then he is not 'keeping the peace' - he is choosing (perhaps unconsciously) to prioritise his mother over his wife and son.

You and he may need to work out some compromises.

If your son doesn't want her there then you and he may need to speak to her and explain that he is feeling self-conscious and would prefer not to have anyone other than his parents there.

However, if she is getting information from the school website and making her own arrangements to attend, you don't have to do anything. You don't have to invite anyone else to make it 'fair' - you didn't invite her, and any of the other family members are just as free as she is to look things up and make their own arrangements. SO you can simply deal with that side of by saying to any other family members who question it "Oh, we only invite people to really important events. But of course the school's website is public and anyone can read about the upcoming events ad chose to come"

Do the other relations *want* to be invited?

Detroit

As your son doesn't want anyone there, I might be inclined to tell her, and the rest of the family, how he feels, and ask them to give it a miss.

Although tbh, they may find it hard to accept, as your son is presumably performing in front of a lot of other people. It may be a seen as an excuse, and further sour things.

While M I L sounds very annoying, in your position, I'd try to put my feelings aside for the sake of my partner and son.

To give her her due, she is really only showing her love and support for her grandchild by wanting to attend these events.
I'd be glad to think my son had other loving adults around, as there can never be too many caring people in a child's life.

As for the wider family not getting on, I wouldn't let this bother me. Unless they are down right hostile or inappropriate to each other, who cares if they're not best friends? They're there for your son not each other.

I think the best approach to this is to attend these events and concentrate on your son.
Your sons other relatives are there for him, not you, so you don't need to feel responsible for them.
Don't see school events as something you host, or 'invite' them to. Tell them all the event is on, then leave them to please themselves while you go and focus on your child.

splishsplash

I think it's a mistake to involve your four year old son in these conversations. (How else would he know the 'whole family' would be there to watch him?)

As others have said, if your MIL makes her own arrangements, there is no need for you to invite anyone. Let others make their own arrangements also - they are free to look at the website just as MIL does.

I would share out the limited ticket events, certainly but that's not what you're talking about here.

dodo01

Interesting responses and some good advice to take in and to go on with thank you all. I will talk with hubby and see...... never true a saying you can pick your friends.....

dodo01

splishsplash wrote: »

I think it's a mistake to involve your four year old son in these conversations. (How else would he know the 'whole family' would be there to watch him?)

As others have said, if your MIL makes her own arrangements, there is no need for you to invite anyone. Let others make their own arrangements also - they are free to look at the website just as MIL does.

I would share out the limited ticket events, certainly but that's not what you're talking about here.

He isn't four he is nearly ten..... He knows the whole family 'needs' to attend because he is a bright boy that knows that the other 4 grandparents don't know about it and its only Gran who is going..... It's not ticketed it's a first come first served event. At ten years old children also pick up when Gran doesn't like the much younger women who took her husband away.