mother in Law grrrrr!!!!

Mojisola

dodo01 wrote: »

She keeps inviting herself to my little ones school plays,fun runs,assembly's etc etc.

She lives close to the school and looks on the website or looks in his schoolbag and discovers the odd letter with events that are coming up.

My little one has a concert this week and M.i.L has told my husband tonight that she will see him there!

If she is coming then the others need to be invited too to make it fair.

I wouldn't invite the rest of the family. At least your son will only have three of his family there instead of a crowd.

Afterwards you can say to your Mum that your MIL checked the school website and decided to come. If they want to do the same in the future, they can.

If MIL is going to turn up early to make sure she gets in, you probably won't have to sit next to her so you and your husband can have your time together.

dodo01

Andypandyboy wrote: »

Gosh, what comes across is your antipathy to this woman, and that you appear to be passing this onto your child. What woman would be amicable to the woman she was replaced by?

Grandparens are people too. when you are retired and free to travel at times what were previously unavailable to you ,would you want your love for your grandchild weighed against your availability for babysitting?

She cares enough to want to be involved. Your mum is not in competition with her, don't view it that way. Embrace all those who love your kids and don't make your husband push her away, that isn't kind or loving.

Oh I would not go as far as to say I find the women repugnant :rotfl: My 'antipathy' is based on 15 years of knowing someone, knowing how their mind works and having a general mother in law /daughter in law relationship. I haven't replaced her as far as i am aware! Good god I would hope she didn't used to do the things my husband and I do now, what with him being a grown man! Have I passed my grievances onto my child? I have more integrity than that. I hope he is not sat over my shoulder reading this! Of course not! I am able as a mother, wife and a daughter to conduct myself in a mature manner when its comes to my son and his relationship with his grandmother-who I always thought was an alien and now I find out she is a person too. Gosh I am taken a back. Look I have no qualms in opinions as long as they are well informed. Oh and as for babysitting I chose to have a child and I do not treat any of the grandparents as "babysitters'' If they are free and willing to want to spend time (which is short) with him I have no objections and they are welcome to have him.

Andypandyboy

dodo01 wrote: »

Oh I would not go as far as to say I find the women repugnant :rotfl: My 'antipathy' is based on 15 years of knowing someone, knowing how their mind works and having a general mother in law /daughter in law relationship. I haven't replaced her as far as i am aware! Good god I would hope she didn't used to do the things my husband and I do now, what with him being a grown man! Have I passed my grievances onto my child? I have more integrity than that. I hope he is not sat over my shoulder reading this! Of course not! I am able as a mother, wife and a daughter to conduct myself in a mature manner when its comes to my son and his relationship with his grandmother-who I always thought was an alien and now I find out she is a person too. Gosh I am taken a back. Look I have no qualms in opinions as long as they are well informed. Oh and as for babysitting I chose to have a child and I do not treat any of the grandparents as "babysitters'' If they are free and willing to want to spend time (which is short) with him I have no objections and they are welcome to have him.

The way you read my post speaks volumes....

When I referred to someone replacing MIL I referred to the "other " woman not you.;)

Your glib or trite references to your MIL also speak volumes; insecurity, jealousy, territorial.

I too hope your husband doesn't read over your shoulder....and I am very sure you don't routinely show him this side of your character.

Yes, MIL is a person, and you, as the mother of a son, may well find yourself in her position down the line. What goes around comes around.

Be generous, think of how your husband feels, let all the grandparents be as involved as their own lives allow without judgement. That way lies family harmony which is surely what we all want?

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Person_one

dodo01 wrote: »

I am hoping for some unbiased advice and opinions please........

Are you really though? If you just want to have a moan, that's allowed.

splishsplash

dodo01 wrote: »

He isn't four he is nearly ten..... He knows the whole family 'needs' to attend because he is a bright boy that knows that the other 4 grandparents don't know about it and its only Gran who is going..... It's not ticketed it's a first come first served event. At ten years old children also pick up when Gran doesn't like the much younger women who took her husband away.

Oh, ok... let me try that again...

splishsplash wrote: »

I think it's a mistake to involve your [STRIKE]four[/STRIKE] nine year old son in these conversations. (How else would he know the 'whole family' would be there to watch him?)

As others have said, if your MIL makes her own arrangements, there is no need for you to invite anyone. Let others make their own arrangements also - they are free to look at the website just as MIL does.

I would share out the limited ticket events, certainly but that's not what you're talking about here.

I would expect your nine year old son to be oblivious to all the family politics and bad blood that is coming through very strongly from your posts.

You also say 'At ten years old children also pick up when Gran doesn't like the much younger women who took her husband away' ?? Um, no they don't. Not unless they're hearing that from somewhere. That's not how nine or ten year olds are wired.

Detroit

dodo01 wrote: »

The other grandparents would not think to check on the school website of any upcoming events they would rely on myself or my husband to inform them of any stuff that involves little one that they could be involved in. We would contact them or my son would ring/speak to them and invite them.What did people do before the internet? It just seems that isn't enough for the Mother in Law to have to wait to be infopmed ,perhaps she just doesn't like to be dictated to and takes it upon herself which is what has led me to this post. Why should she be the one to invite herself? It's not her place surely? As for not liking the "other" women where did I mention that she should pretend anything? Of course she shouldn't thus why I tend to organise my family life around the little issues a lot of families endure. Sometimes just sometimes it's nice just to go with my husband and not have the others involved.

In fairness I don't think MIL would consider losing her husband to a much younger women, then routinely having to be in the woman's company, with the OW treated as another 'gran' to be a little issue.
Truly, I think your MIL less attractive qualities are clouding what's fair and reasonable here.
If anything, in the circumstances, you FIL should be gracious enough to step aside from these occasions, or at least leave his new wife at home!
Paternal grandparents often feel second place, I think your MIL is just trying to carve herself a place in your sons life.
As others have said, you could be there one day, and what goes around.....

[Deleted User]

I don't know if this will help, I hope it will. I come from an abusive family background and am very shy and retiring. My dad (divorced from my mother) married a very 'in your face' lady. She was very different from anything I knew. I have to be honest, she made me very uneasy. I wasn't rude but I now realise without thinking I did make a decision to not involve myself in the family.

She died in the last couple of weeks. I went to her funeral to support my father, who is quite frail (84 with parkinsons). I heard a lot of things about her in the service that make me seriously regret I hadn't seen those things.., I just didn't open my eyes and see the real her. I only saw my impressions influenced by my past and our differences. Things could have been so different if I'd have given her a chance in my head. I am very sorry about that now. I prejudged her really, saw what I wanted and decided it was negative. She had an awful lot of positives too, and I wish I'd have seen them. Not only would my father and myself (and hopefully her) have gained so much if I'd been a little bit more prepared to deal with 'different to me', and a little more open minded. I have two children they rarely saw because of my uneasiness.., and that means they missed out too.

I wish I'd have tried to see her nicer side. It definitely existed and I didn't see it. She did get drunk once have a right go at me and my choices (stay at home mum on benefits cause both kids have special needs - I did try to work but something would happen with my older son and pull me back even if I did a course).., but that was just one incident.., there was a whole lot more to her than that one incident.

Your MIL MUST have some positives, she brought up your OH, who you love and helped him be who he is. He loves her, so there must be something to love.

paddy's_mum

While I can understand your annoyance, you might also want to consider how you would feel if Grandmother WASN'T interested in your son. (If your immediate reaction is "good!" perhaps that will tell you that rivalry or a territorial battle is what is going on in your head)

I can assure you that there is a great deal of hurt all round when an utterly unloving grandparent simply doesn't care. The damage caused cannot usually be healed.

Perhaps take some comfort from recognising that she does love him, just is inconsiderate in how she goes about things, never realising that she is treading on your tender toes.

Good luck.

jjj1980

At my daughter's school, any shows are ticketed, even if free. They allocate two tickets to each child to ensure all parents have the chance to see their child. Any spares can be offered by parents to others but this is at each parents choice and must be checked with school first.

I much prefer this way as is completely solves the hassle the OP is having to deal with.

I can completely understand the OP frustrations. I would be telling MIL that she is no longer to assume her presence is welcomed or wanted at any school events without invite. Also, that under no circumstances is age to start going through childs bag, school website rtc. That is for the childs own parents to do.

Also, I would be having quite a stern conversation with OH to remind him that myself and child be the priority and he needs to stand up to his mother.

Sicard

My mother-in-law said if I died before her she'd jump up and down on my grave...

so I'm being buried at sea.