Babies and toddlers - do they mix?

lulu_92

The twin group isn't a big deal for me, I'll happily take it or leave it.

We decided to get me insured on the bigger car via multicar but it doesn't kick in until 9th August. As I live in the town centre (literally, the shopping centre is at the bottom of my road) it doesn't affect me too much. It's only so I don't have to wait until the weekend to see family. These two are often in my area every day just to wander about so to me it doesn't seem unreasonable to ask me if I'm free. Never have I said to them that they have to come to my house.

It didn't seem like much of an olive branch as everything was pretty much swept under the rug so I feel like my feelings have been dismissed. Honestly, one of them is angry with me and it took the other one two days, one day after the invitation to hers, to say that she didn't realise how she'd been acting.

To me I don't feel that I need to make friends with people just because they have children. I will be going to groups soon but right now it is not a priority

KRB2725

If it took her two days to realise and apologise then I think that she has shown that she has taken the time to think about what you had said to her. I think that is much better than an immediate apology without really thinking about what had been said.

You are understandably hurt, but I think that now you have discussed it, you need to either put it behind you and get on with being friends, or walk away. Your posts read as though your anger is going to prevent you from resolving this.

lulu_92

emmatthews wrote: »

If it took her two days to realise and apologise then I think that she has shown that she has taken the time to think about what you had said to her. I think that is much better than an immediate apology without really thinking about what had been said.

You are understandably hurt, but I think that now you have discussed it, you need to either put it behind you and get on with being friends, or walk away. Your posts read as though your anger is going to prevent you from resolving this.

Good point. I will get over it. I'm just upset that when they had kids they expected everyone to bend over backwards for them, and call me selfish for asking for a little bit of compromise.

I have never told them they need to come to my house. I always say that we need to meet for a cup of tea or something as there's plenty of cheap cafes about, and what do they suggest? Roller skating when I'm pregnant, and nothing until this recent invitation which, to be honest I wouldn't feel comfortable going to her house after this argument, never mind the fact that surely her kid would be there, which was the whole point of her not seeing us?

Nicki

Lulu, take a breath and a step back from this. The first couple of months after giving birth are horrible. For us all, but more so I'd think with twins. Hormones are still out of whack and there is no tiredness like it, and even if there isn't any hint of post natal depression I think any woman who says they never took something to heart during this period would be lying to herself. The best thing if you can is not to burn bridges and accept that things may well look very different in a few months time.

Your babies are only 6 weeks old and one friend has visited, so it's not like they have ignored you for months and months though it feels like a long time to you. And whilst they've passed by the end of your road, you can't know why they didn't invite you then and it may not be personal even if it feels that way. One could be supporting the other through something you aren't party to as just one example.

If you can't make it to their house yet, and they won't come to you, either wait until you know your partner isn't working and suggest a get together at a place of their choosing or wait until your insurance cover kicks in. In the meantime try not to make yourself angry and unhappy about all this and don't take any decisions you might come to regret.

lulu_92

Nicki wrote: »

Lulu, take a breath and a step back from this. The first couple of months after giving birth are horrible. For us all, but more so I'd think with twins. Hormones are still out of whack and there is no tiredness like it, and even if there isn't any hint of post natal depression I think any woman who says they never took something to heart during this period would be lying to herself. The best thing if you can is not to burn bridges and accept that things may well look very different in a few months time.

Your babies are only 6 weeks old and one friend has visited, so it's not like they have ignored you for months and months though it feels like a long time to you. And whilst they've passed by the end of your road, you can't know why they didn't invite you then and it may not be personal even if it feels that way. One could be supporting the other through something you aren't party to as just one example.

If you can't make it to their house yet, and they won't come to you, either wait until you know your partner isn't working and suggest a get together at a place of their choosing or wait until your insurance cover kicks in. In the meantime try not to make yourself angry and unhappy about all this and don't take any decisions you might come to regret.

You make good points. I guess I'm more upset because these two friends wouldn't shut up about how excited they were to meet the girls and for their kids to meet them, it's all they spoke about while I was pregnant. Now they've been here for 7 weeks and they've hardly made an effort, but if I had been the same when their kids were born they would have been fuming.

I'll talk to them when I'm ready but I'm not sure things will be the same now.

barbiedoll

In my opinion, it sounds like they're both a bit jealous of you and your twins. Everyone coos over newborns anyway but two for the price of one is always a little bit special. If you've got a bog-standard, 10-a-penny toddler, who is probably a handful anyway, who is everyone going to look at when you walk down the road, with your proud, twin-buggy-pushing friend?

Added to the fact that one of them has just got married...she doesn't want to hear about your baby tales, all she wants to do is bask in the post-marital glow of wedding photos, compliments about her dress, people asking to see her new wedding rings etc etc. And of course, the one who has split from her partner also probably doesn't want you and your happy new family in her face, it's bad enough for her having to listen to her newly-wed friend, without having to see you and your babies too. Selfish, but understandable, I guess?

Don't worry, when these two fall out (and they will...;)) one or the other of them will come running to you.....

lulu_92

barbiedoll wrote: »

In my opinion, it sounds like they're both a bit jealous of you and your twins. Everyone coos over newborns anyway but two for the price of one is always a little bit special. If you've got a bog-standard, 10-a-penny toddler, who is probably a handful anyway, who is everyone going to look at when you walk down the road, with your proud, twin-buggy-pushing friend?

Added to the fact that one of them has just got married...she doesn't want to hear about your baby tales, all she wants to do is bask in the post-marital glow of wedding photos, compliments about her dress, people asking to see her new wedding rings etc etc. And of course, the one who has split from her partner also probably doesn't want you and your happy new family in her face, it's bad enough for her having to listen to her newly-wed friend, without having to see you and your babies too. Selfish, but understandable, I guess?

Don't worry, when these two fall out (and they will...;)) one or the other of them will come running to you.....

I didn't even consider that..

It wouldn't surprise me, though. I did wonder why before I gave birth they were very supportive of my travel limitations, saying "you'll have two babies, you don't have to go anywhere, we'll come to you to make it easier!" but then it suddenly changed when the twins arrived.

One of them brought their baby with them to my house the day after I suffered a miscarriage, which incidentally was a year ago this week just gone, so that's been on my mind too. I never said anything about it, as I knew it was hard for her to find childcare, and I was more grateful for her being there than I was interested in kicking up a fuss, although being handed a three month old baby when you're physically and emotionally going through losing your own wasn't really much fun.

System

Nicki wrote: »

Lulu, take a breath and a step back from this. The first couple of months after giving birth are horrible. For us all, but more so I'd think with twins. Hormones are still out of whack and there is no tiredness like it, and even if there isn't any hint of post natal depression I think any woman who says they never took something to heart during this period would be lying to herself.

I think this could be construed as a little patronising. Yes the tiredness is exhausting, but to imply that women who've just had a baby are to be dismissed as irrational and hormonal is very unfair. None of the women I know who have had babies (including one with twins) has lost their capacity to communicate or comprehend things.

Nicki

It wasn't intended to be patronising Avogadro. I've had 3 kids and found the first 6 weeks after each child to be the most physically exhausting and biggest emotional roller coaster of my life, and other female friends with children have said the same in conversation with me over the 16 years since I've had my first. It's definitely not uncommon even if all mums don't feel it, and I didn't say Lulu's feelings about her friends were definitely wrong, just that they may be coloured by her current situation and may change again shortly, when she may regret having broken off two friendships.

You added in the meaning "irrational" to my post by the way. I didn't say that and nor did I mean it. What I meant (and what I said) was that it was easy to take things to heart - ie to get hurt by things which ordinarily you could ignore or brush off. If you had to apply an adjective perhaps "more sensitive" would be the one, but irrational has a different and more unpleasant connotation.

duchy

The babies are only six weeks old. I wouldn't expect a Mum with one baby to be socialising that early let alone twins. I'd be letting them make the first overtures when they were ready.