Babies and toddlers - do they mix?

Nicki

Can your partner not give you a lift to see your friend on Sunday? Or go by public transport? Not going because you can't fit two car seats in your car feels as much of a Micky Mouse excuse as ones they have served up to you.

Is it not possible to turn off your passenger seat airbag and have one twin in the front seat and one in the rear if you can't fit two seats in the back? You seem to be restricting your life considerably by not insuring yourself to drive the bigger car until August if your car is too small to drive with the babies. Though I've never come across a car that wouldn't fit two baby seats in the back.

sweetilemon

Lulu it's really not worth the effort. I planned to go to baby and toddler classes to meet new 'mummy friends'. As you know my little girl is now an angel and it's not the same, but the girl I fell out with during pregnancy (she was making very nasty comments) didn't congratulate me when I gave birth to my healthy baby but did get in touch when I lost my daughter to meningitis. I haven't spoken to her. Children change relationships. Don't be afraid to let this mould future friendships as the twins are the most important part of your life so if someone doesn't accept them, don't entertain it.

Jagraf

Over my lifetime friendships come and go, go into the background and resurface, dwindle out and reignite. I let all this happen and I find myself surrounded by friends who feel the same. I met new friends when I had my daughter, new friends when I divorced, etc, and with some they come into your life again. Just like with kids - they change friends too.

My sis on the other hand has her own friendship morale code and if they don't stick to it, they are no longer her friends, and she tells them why (very awkward for all concerned).

Sometimes I don't see my closest friends for months - our lives are busy. Then we may see each other weekly for years.

There are very many ways of being friends and maybe your way isn't there's, or vice versa.

I only have one very close friend from nct all those years ago. We all really only had babies and chikdren in common and now they are all relatively grown up we have different sets of friends.

my best way for me is to be part of as many different friendship groups as possible, don't have one or two intense friendships, let people be themselves, and be happy with your own company.

lulu_92

It may sound like a Mickley mouse excuse but I've explained before to them that I can't really go anywhere that isn't within walking distance because of that reason, and if OH is busy (as he is sunday) I can't work around it. There are no buses between our houses either.

But again it's a case of me having to accommodate them but they never accommodate me.

Nicki

If you will never be able to go to them, or to the children's centre, because both are too far away to walk, then they will have to accommodate you by always travelling to your house though at least until August. And as you are discovering you need to see them more than they need to see you because they already have their day to day routines sorted out, so you will need to bend a bit on this. From their viewpoint, you won't have toys geared to their child's age group yet and their children are too old to play with your babies so if they visit you they will spend all their time trying to keep their child occupied as they wont sleep and they won't be able to bring enough toys with them to keep the child occupied for long.

Is there a way of sorting the car problem? Why do two stage 1 baby seats not fit into a Citreon C1 which has two full size rear seats and a passenger seat? Is it because you want to use Isofix bases? To give yourself some freedom can you either change the car seats you are using, or change the car, or get yourself added to the insurance of the other car earlier?

On Sunday is there somewhere between the two houses you could meet as a compromise? Not the park right by you, but somewhere easy for your friend to get to as well which her child might enjoy. You say you live in the centre of town so even if there isn't a bus direct to her house surely there will be one to somewhere neutral and suitable?

You've told them you are unhappy and they have both individually responded by trying to make amends. You either accept their approach and agree to compromise by not demanding they come to you when it is clear that they do not want to, or you are the one ending the friendship.

balletshoes

lulu it does sound like both your friends have listened to you after your discussion with them, and the one who has invited you to their home on Sunday is trying to make amends - in their home their child will have all their toys to distract them, so that makes sense to me, rather than them spending all their time at your house trying to keep their child entertained with no/little of their favourite stuff to do.

Have you replied to the invitation yet? If you really feel there is no practical way you can transport the twins to your friends home on Sunday, can you suggest to her that you meet somewhere midway between you, you know, meet her halfway in more than one sense of the phrase?

lulu_92

It's just that they know my issues with transport. I live in the town centre so I always offer a meet up in the middle. I'm not rigid on this but they have never offered to meet anywhere that could accommodate me, although I always made sure wherever we met suited them when their kids were born. The point I made was that the two of them will happily go to a cafe at the bottom of my road and not even think of inviting me along, telling me once they have gone home.

I'm not saying I want or need to see them all of the time. I'm saying they haven't even offered to visit their friend who had just had twins.

We can't afford to swap my car as it the car I use for work (amazing on fuel and insurance) and we've tried putting our seats in the back to no avail. We stupidly didn't check the compatibility when we bought them.

Anyway, I'm not swapping my car or spending money on more car seats just so I can be accommodating to two people who haven't even attempted to make an effort for me.

The offer wasn't an olive branch, she'd asked everyone in the group chat and I didn't reply as I was busy but she then cancelled it.

These friends are very much ones that take but don't give when people need it. I never ask for anything from them, this is the first time and while I'm not expecting them to bend over backwards or cater to my every whim, I feel that I have had to do a lot more of the compromising when out of the three of us I'm the one who has more limitations.

Nicki

Finding a work around with the car seats wouldn't be to accommodate these two friends but to stop you being trapped at home until August, but if you are happy with that then so be it.

I think the friendship has run its course if you feel you need to win on this point at all costs. As the children's centre is also too far to get to without a car, the best thing to do would be to make some new friends who live close by and have babies the same age. Having some adult companionship for yourself when your children are very young is very important for your own happiness and wellbeing, and making relationships with parents of children the same age pays dividends when children get older and you need someone to occasionally pick your child up from school or have them for a play date (and being prepared to do the same for them) after you have gone back to work, or if you have any form of mini emergency.

GwylimT

Why can't you use your partners car, and your partner use your car? Or you could get a taxi if its more than two or three miles.

Georgiegirl256

When I first read this thread the other day, I thought what feeble excuses your friends gave you, they were really poor excuses for not meeting up, and this is still true. However, after you've had a word with them, it does sound like perhaps they hadn't realised how much it was affecting you and so IMO have offered you an olive branch.

You wanted them to make an effort, one of them has, but you still aren't happy. Why can't you use the bigger car?