Babies and toddlers - do they mix?

Person_one

lulu_92 wrote: »

I wish they wouldn't back off, though. I don't want us to drift apart because I had twins.

Say this to them then! Maybe not the 'because I had twins' part but something a bit more tactful like "I really hope you have some free time soon for us to meet up, I'd hate to see our friendship drift just because we're all so busy now."

If they do want to let the friendship drift (and its natural that it happens sometimes) then you just won't hear from them, and you've lost nothing by trying, but if they are genuinely just unsure or nervous or awkward around you now then I'd hoped they'd respond to your honesty.

Gigervamp

lulu_92 wrote: »

I just got a message from one of them, basically saying that her DD is learning to talk so she might wake the babies. Fair point, but why this has only just been communicated, I do not know.

The other excuses were flimsy enough, but this one sounds like utter rubbish (to put it politely).

I'd not bother any more. You could ask them if you've done something to upset them, but it sounds like they've become best friends and you're the gooseberry.

It is horrid when this sort of thing happens, and it's true what they say about finding out who your real friends are when you're in crisis/ill whatever. It's happened to me with someone who had been my best friend for 35 years!

You'll find new friends, but don't bother wasting any more time on these two.

And congratulations! Your daughters sound adorable, especially the hugging bit.

enthusiasticsaver

It seems a shame but from your posts it does seem as if this friendship has run its course and for whatever reason your so called best friends are not prepared to make any effort to meet up. Totally flimsy excuses. One year olds are a handful but there is no reason why they should not mix with babies unless they have colds or bugs they could pass on. They usually are not much good with sitting still for long so round someone's house or a park/soft play Place may be better but one of them talking and taking dummies off the babies just sounds like excuses. Find some new friends. My daughter had her first baby eight months ago and has made quite a few local mum friends through her ante natal group. Is there a local mum and baby group you can go to?

Your babies sound gorgeous. Congratulations

jetplane

Looking back, how long have they been making excuses not to see you? How long is it since either of them took the initiative or made an effort? It may be that your only just noticing it as you have been at home these few weeks and didn't have time to give it much thought previously?

Friends should be making an effort not excuses, and they are making excuses, their reasons are selfish, particularly if they can't give up one of their child free afternoons to see you.

Embrace the friends that you have, friendships do change and it's hurtful when you feel excluded. And group chats are not good if one friend influences the other, if your sister was one if the original group have you asked her opinion?

FBaby

I expect the issue is that they don't want to come to your house rather than not seeing you, and that’s probably because indeed, when you do finally get to go out with your toddler, what you want is to be able to let them do their things in a safe environment whilst you get to have some adult conversation. Going in someone’s house means having to entertain them whilst trying to hold the conversation, so in between you looking after your babies (and as you’ve said, potentially asking them help to feed one of the babies) and constantly supervising the toddler (so that they don’t go and turn the TV on/off, pick things up they can’t touch, throw things around, go up and down the sofa, shout, scream, try to poke the babies, it doesn’t make for a fun time, but a stressful and exhausting one.

How about suggesting you meet at their place (so the toddler is in their familiar place and more likely to entertain themselves for a few moments), or indeed, anywhere they normally take their toddler to play? In the end, I think you need to be open with them. Say that you would really like to see them, that you feel a bit lonely and miss them, and that if it helps for you to come to them rather than opposite, you wouldn’t mind. That might prompt them to realise that they’ve been a bit self-centred.

The problem might be though that they prefer to be around kids of the same age, firstly because they play together, but also so they can talk about matters relating to kids their age rather than matters that they have already put behind them. Fine, but I certainly wouldn’t call these people friends.

Goldiegirl

To me, it sounds as if they are using every excuse possible not to see you - I'm not sure it's worth the effort anymore.

I'd tend to think the friendship was over, and not bother with it any more.

If you happen to see them around, be pleasant, but don't bother to suggest meeting up anymore

VicVics86

My friend has a little boy that is 1.5yrs older that my little girl who is now 2. He is an only child and whenever we meet he used to get very jealous of my little girl because as a baby she would get lots of cuddles. As she got older it turned into possessiveness of toys but now that she is 2 and he is 3.5 they play together beautifully. There is the odd little snatching incident but kids will be kids and it can be dealt with easily enough. It was never anything that I would call explosive. Maybe a tantrum when he couldn't get his own way but again thats toddlers. We always take it in turns to visit each other and generally meet at each others houses where we can relax. It sounds to be me like there is another reason they aren't meeting up. This excuse just doesn't make sense. Have you been to your local children's centre. Mine was a godsend when my DD was a baby. I also think that my local one has a group especially for twins and triplets etc. Might be some something worth looking into xx

Lily-Rose_3

avogadro wrote: »

It sounds like they are not prepared to supervise their toddlers around the infant twins, so may be best if they didn't visit.

I think this too. I knew a woman who was a sort of friend/acquaintance at the time when my daughter was very little (several months old,) and this woman had no control over her 2 and 3 year old toddlers. They kept going for my daughter and trying to grab her ears and her hair, and I was constantly trying to cover and protect her. After 3 or 4 visits, and her doing nothing to stop her toddlers behaviour; I stopped seeing the woman.

pigpen

I'd find new friends.. I have 13 months between my 4 and 5 year old.. loads of people have less than a year between siblings.. they don't lock one in a cupboard, they parent..

They are making very very feeble excuses.. I'd just give it up and spend time with those who do want to be with you.

lulu_92

Well I decided to tell them that I was upset that they hadn't been to visit and I explained that it didn't have to be a problem with their kids meeting mine, and that I never said we had to go to my house. I said that it hurt me that the two friends of mine who should be able to empathise with the struggles of having a baby are the two that haven't shown that.

I was met with very angry and defensive replies. Apparently I am being very selfish and not thinking about anyone else (one was cheated on by her OH and their relationship is over after nearly 10 years...although she is now in a new relationship with very little time between the two. The other has just gotten married). Apparently it's okay that they haven't made the effort because I "have other friends" and my mum has been helping out (might I add that both of them get immense help from their retired parents. Mine help out when they can as they work full time). Oh and it's not fair of me to be upset about anything because my OH hasn't left me...

I didn't get an apology from either of them, just a rug sweeping. I told them I didn't want to talk to either of them for a few days at least until they decide to be better friends.

Today I get asked by one of them to go to her house on Sunday. Even though they know I can't drive there as I'm only insured on our little car that would never fit the car seats in it, and their kids would be there!

I'm so angry about it all!