Family trip booked before falling out

McKneff

I wish we could get all four parties on here discussing it

As it is, we only have the story from one person

Im sure there is a lot more too it,

OP, would you regret all this if your mum suddenly dropped dead with a heart attack, my mum did

Twenty years later, I collapsed with a heart attack, and obviously survived and luckily no family rifts

You said in an earlier post, I just want to die some days..........and also mention a therapist and councelling, is the counselling a direct result of this business or were you seeing one before.

Whilst you cant help what you feel, I cant help feeling at times that you are coming over as a bit of a drama queen

pigpen

it is 5 days out of all the years of your life could you really not just suck it up for your dads sake for those few days? In the broad scheme of things if you arent actively avoiding/not speaking to your mother when you are at home then what difference does it make? She obviously hasn't done anything that heinous or you wouldn't have seen or spoken to her since the Dec/Jan incident.. but you have.

I still say if she says something that is unacceptable tell her straight away and move on.. some people are just rude and the older they get the worse they get.. if they get away with it they continue.. if you stand up for yourself and tell them where to go they either stop or don't.

This isnt about you or your mum it is supposed to be about your dad and if neither of you can rein it in fir 5 short days then you should cancel and make sure your dad is not out of pocket.. it isnt his fault you 2 are refusing to get along.

Believe me, my mother is an utter cow. She is mean and rude and arrogant and a total b!tch.. but I will tell tell her to fluff off if and when necessary.. if you're not prepared to stand up for yourself noone else will do it for you. My mother has had several really out of order rants at me.. such as telling me I was pathetic for being upset the day I had my first miscarriage.. shes a delight at times!


You dont have to like her or agree with her but being civil costs nothing.. you are adults, stop playing the victim and the child.. you'll wish you'd done it years ago!!

Pollycat

pigpen wrote: »

it is 5 days out of all the years of your life could you really not just suck it up for your dads sake for those few days? In the broad scheme of things if you arent actively avoiding/not speaking to your mother when you are at home then what difference does it make? She obviously hasn't done anything that heinous or you wouldn't have seen or spoken to her since the Dec/Jan incident.. but you have.

I still say if she says something that is unacceptable tell her straight away and move on.. some people are just rude and the older they get the worse they get.. if they get away with it they continue.. if you stand up for yourself and tell them where to go they either stop or don't.

This isnt about you or your mum it is supposed to be about your dad and if neither of you can rein it in fir 5 short days then you should cancel and make sure your dad is not out of pocket.. it isnt his fault you 2 are refusing to get along.

Believe me, my mother is an utter cow. She is mean and rude and arrogant and a total b!tch.. but I will tell tell her to fluff off if and when necessary.. if you're not prepared to stand up for yourself noone else will do it for you. My mother has had several really out of order rants at me.. such as telling me I was pathetic for being upset the day I had my first miscarriage.. shes a delight at times!


You dont have to like her or agree with her but being civil costs nothing.. you are adults, stop playing the victim and the child.. you'll wish you'd done it years ago!!

I know from your posts that you have had some issues.
Would you - in the OP's situation - do as you suggest?

cyantist

Andypandyboy: I have one sister. She gets on fine with my mom. But then I did until last year.

McKneff: the counselling is because of this, but what happened recently wouldn't have affected me so badly if it wasn't for things that had happened in my past

Pigpen: your mother sounds awful! Mine isn't rude so to speak, not usually to me anyway. Though her lack of filter means she can come out with some strange and inappropriate comments, but that is just one of her quirks. I haven't seen my mom since this incident, and haven't been home to visit (and she hasn't visited) because of it so I am actively avoiding her. Since the more recent incident we have only spoken once when I tried to explain why I was so upset. However you are right, it's only 5 days.

With a combination of arranging more time just with my OH and either sorting an airport hotel or asking my dad to come down as late as possible the day before I could minimise the time with her. Whether us being civil and trying to get along would make my dad happy, I don't know.

gettingtheresometime

I don't know if it's been mentioned already or when the trip was booked in relation to the initial upset in December, but I think it's significant that the intented destination was somewhere where you and your husband have been keen to go.

By that I mean usually it's where the guest of honour wants to go and so perhaps it was a case of your dad suggesting it for this very reason as he knew you'd enjoy it as well.

I think for the reason I would suck it up and go but have OH on standby to deal with your MIL....what does he think of her behaviour and has he said anything to her and it?

meritaten

I really could not stand my narcissistic MIL - but always treated her politely and with respect. and she pulled some nasty strokes on me!

a couple of years before she died OH suggested she come spend a week down our caravan with us..........my first reaction was 'No bluddy WAY'! - but, she was elderly and OH wanted her to. So I reluctantly agreed.

She surprised me - she was totally different out of her milieu! She also made some friends with some of the older biddies on the caravan site - and was quite happy to have time with them rather than all day with us!
I wouldn't say I liked her or we became bosom buddies - but the week was tolerable and I was later glad I gave her a holiday to brag about with the coven (just joking! I mean her friends!). and even more glad when she was dying with cancer and liked to reminisce about her 'caravan holiday'. apparently, she had never been so happy.

I don't know what has happened in the past hunny - but sometimes when people are out of their comfort zone, they don't behave the way they do at home.

pigpen

Pollycat wrote: »

I know from your posts that you have had some issues.
Would you - in the OP's situation - do as you suggest?

it wouldnt be relevant.. my parents separated when I was 3 and I have had no relationship with my dad for 11 years (given the reason for our lack of relationship I wouldn't go anywhere with him) .. but yes.. I would, I have spent days with my mother, we went to Crufts a few years ago.. it usually ends up with one of us telling the other to eff off.. My sisters are very much the same.. we take so much then we don't take any more.

It is actually easier to be civil away from home because you have other distractions and don't have to have a personal relationship you can focus on the new environment and not look at more personal things.

LilElvis

pigpen wrote: »

it wouldnt be relevant.. my parents separated when I was 3 and I have had no relationship with my dad for 11 years (given the reason for our lack of relationship I wouldn't go anywhere with him) .. but yes.. I would, I have spent days with my mother, we went to Crufts a few years ago.. it usually ends up with one of us telling the other to eff off.. My sisters are very much the same.. we take so much then we don't take any more.

It is actually easier to be civil away from home because you have other distractions and don't have to have a personal relationship you can focus on the new environment and not look at more personal things.

Not everyone has your strength of character to be able to tell their parent that they have crossed a line and that they need to stop now. Even if someone does say "enough" the other person may just see it as a bluff if they have (successfully) dominated them for years - and carry on regardless. The fact that the OP has sought counselling to address her relationship with her mother suggests that she lacks your strength and, most likely, her mother knows it.

Nicki

OP has said that most days she thinks she wants to die, that she is in floods of tears when she thinks of her mother, and is seeing a counsellor regularly to help deal with the issues which caused this reaction.

To be honest we don't need to know what the mother did to trigger this, we don't even need to know whether OP's reaction is a proportionate one. She has told us all we need to know to understand that she is severely depressed at the moment and not well enough to deal with this holiday. Unless her counsellor and her mental health professional both feel she is well enough to handle this (and can suggest strategies to help her cope) she should just cancel it. I am sure she will feel relieved when the decision is made and it isn't hanging over her any longer. Unless her father is in very poor health, there will be other opportunities to go on holiday with him - 75 is as good a birthday to celebrate as 70 for example.

duchy

Nicki wrote: »

there will be other opportunities to go on holiday with him - 75 is as good a birthday to celebrate as 70 for example.

If I'd thought that way I'd have been sadly disappointed- My Dad dropped dead of a heart attack 4 months after his 70th birthday with no warning signs at all.

It's easy to assume there will be time to make things up to people later......but it isn't always the case.