Family trip booked before falling out

cyantist

It’s my dad’s 70th birthday in July and we booked a trip abroad which my parents paid far. Now I’ve had a major falling out with my mom, and given that we haven’t spoken for months, I can’t imagine that it will be resolved within 2 months.

I want to spend time with my dad and I know the family fall out is upsetting him a lot and I feel terrible because of that. I love him so much and don’t want to ruin his birthday but I really don’t see how I can cope with my mom for 5 days. Even thinking about her sends me into floods of tears. I'm not sure me going along and the terrible atmosphere between me and my mom would make for a great birthday for him either.

My dad says DH and I should still go, I think this is ridiculous because he paid and it was for his birthday. He has already been to this city (we bought parents a trip there a few years ago) and refuses to go without me and DH. I have a week to be able to cancel and get 80% of the costs back.

I just don’t know what to do.

Alice_Walker

This is not about you and your mum, it's your dad that is important here. Put your own feelings aside, put a brave face on it and go on the trip.

You'll regret it in years to come when he's no longer here to make memories with.

Oakdene

I fell out with my mum for 3 years & we didn't speak & the best decision I made was to (eventually) swallow my pride & patch things up. Don't let the months turn into years.

duchy

Be the adult
Sort things out with your Mum so your Dad can enjoy having all his family around him
My Dad died very unexpectedly when he was 70 -If this happened to your Dad you'd be full of regret that you didn't put things right and go.

As for "even thinking about my Mum sends me into floods of tears" sounds like a child not a grown woman . Perhaps it's time to think of your Dad and resolve your fall out with your Mum like an adult. You don't have to be best buddies, just resolve your differences enough to agree to differ and behave like civilized adults so you both don't spoil the trip for your Dad and the rest of the family.

stormbreaker

I think you should put your feelings aside too. At least your partner will be with you and I expect others too. If you don't go you will hurt your fathers feelings and there is no going back. Life's too short.

Person_one

Its hard to give advice without knowing what caused the fallout. It could be that your mum did something unforgivable, or it could be something fixable that's ended up getting more serious with time apart.

You don't have to tell us what happened, but if its the second, forgivable type of falling out, is there any possibility at all of a heart to heart between the four of you with the goal of repairing the relationship enough to enjoy the trip for your dad?

If your mum has done/said something truly unforgivable, have the heart to heart with just your dad instead, at 70 he's old enough to understand that you don't always get what you want for your birthday and you can still do something special for him to mark his birthday.

Georgiegirl256

Alice_Walker wrote: »

You'll regret it in years to come when he's no longer here to make memories with.

This x 1000. Making memories is so important.

Your poor Dad is stuck in the middle of you and your mums falling out. Sounds like all he wants is for his two favourite girls to be there and help him celebrate his 70th Birthday.

Be there for him.

cyantist

I do want to go, my dad is one of the most important people in my life.

Without going into details, she did something back in December which hurt me immensely, but it was more the constant lies that followed that was the worst. However for the sake of my Dad, and because she said she was sorry I tried to try to patch things up and things were a bit better. I feel she has thrown that back in my face with what she did afterwards and my Dad understands this.

duchy wrote: »

Be the adult
As for "even thinking about my Mum sends me into floods of tears" sounds like a child not a grown woman . Perhaps it's time to think of your Dad and resolve your fall out with your Mum like an adult. You don't have to be best buddies, just resolve your differences enough to agree to differ and behave like civilized adults so you both don't spoil the trip for your Dad and the rest of the family.

When I say I go into floods of tears, I find it quite harsh for you to say I sound like a child. Because of her, most days I actually want to die and every day is a struggle for me. I am going to counselling to come to terms with everything but it's not easy for me.

Every time I act the adult, she turns around and does something even more hurtful. Mentally I'm not sure I can cope with letting her do that to me again.

stormbreaker wrote: »

I think you should put your feelings aside too. At least your partner will be with you and I expect others too. If you don't go you will hurt your fathers feelings and there is no going back. Life's too short.

It will just be my parents, husband and me.

Dill

I think it really does depend on the nature of the situation. I'm assuming it's more than just a case of mum being annoying, if the thought of her now sends you into floods of tears. I wouldn't want two people who can't stand each other to feel they have to be together for 5 days just because of my birthday.

warwicktiger

You go, not for you or your mum but for your dad.
Make peace for 5 days, swallow your tongue and smiles sweetly.
You can always resume hostilities later if you feel the need.
Your dad won't be here for ever, how would you like him to remember you?

cyantist

Person_one wrote: »

If your mum has done/said something truly unforgivable, have the heart to heart with just your dad instead, at 70 he's old enough to understand that you don't always get what you want for your birthday and you can still do something special for him to mark his birthday.

I had a heart to heart with my dad this weekend. It mainly consisted of him crying hysterically for about an hour about how miserable my mom makes him, and how he can't do anything right.

I think what makes it more unforgivable for me is her refusal to accept anything could ever be her fault. She apologised to me back in December and according to my dad that is literally the only time in 46 years she has ever said sorry. I've certainly never heard her say it before.