Family trip booked before falling out

pickledonionspaceraider

cyantist wrote: »

When I say I go into floods of tears, I find it quite harsh for you to say I sound like a child. Because of her, most days I actually want to die and every day is a struggle for me. I am going to counselling to come to terms with everything but it's not easy for me.

Every time I act the adult, she turns around and does something even more hurtful. Mentally I'm not sure I can cope with letting her do that to me again.



It will just be my parents, husband and me.

Hi OP.

I think just how awfully you are hurting did not come across too well in the first post, which is maybe why you feel people were harsh - which I may have too, had I not read this post and realised that you are actually desperate for answers

You are clearly suffering with your own issues and sounds like you are going about it the right way getting help

Obviously none of us know what has happened or even if we did, how we would feel or deal with it. There is only you darling that can make this decision.

I am a huge believer in not letting anyone effect your mental health, family included as they can be the ones who know your weakness and get under your skin. Having said this though, unless you are planning to cut your mother out of your life completely, all this drama MAY only be delaying the inevitable that you and her will end up on speaking terms once again. and as you know, the opportunity to share your dads 70th birthday with him will never, never come round again. So whom is paying the price.

Your mother has clearly shocked you to the core with what she did in December

Georgiegirl256

Your poor poor Dad.

Surely when you're over there, you don't all have to be together all the time? Your parents could spend some time together, and then you and your Dad could have some days/meals/etc together. Maybe not ideal, but might be the only situation that would work.

geminilady

I fell out with my mum for months we made up and she died Unexpectedly three days later.I cannot imagine how I would have felt if we had not made up.It is your mum life is too short for such fall outs and am sure it is upsetting your dad too.

pickledonionspaceraider

There are a lot of 'life is too short' guilt trips going on here.

That kind of thinking is assuming that the OP has done something wrong, and will only work against her to make her feel worse than she clearly does. Unless I have missed it, the OP has not said, and doesn't intend to divulge what the falling out was about

The op is clearly wracked with unhappiness and is undergoing counselling - by adding this 'life is too short' narrative, you are being judgemental and adding to her pain

Yes we all KNOW life is short - and death can happen at any age. The OP (sorry OP!) could be ran over my a double decker tomorrow. Does this mean that out of guilt and anxiety, that we must take carp from people and let them walk over us - just incase they die? Can someone tell that to the government!?

Family fall outs are extremely painful for all involved and some people struggle to come to terms with the fact that not everybodies family are perfect nor have their best interests at heart

melanzana

Sad story.

I am in two minds here. If you go there could be another explosion which would affect you and your Dad. I dunno. The tension around it could be terrible.

I have a relative like your mother. I disengaged completely. When a big family event came up last year I did not go, but I had a separate event with the Birthday person a couple of weeks later. Birthday person totally understood, and it was great, no drama, no tension.

I am not saying that is the answer for you. But might be something you could discuss with Dad? He may want you to be there for support though.

Still it might be worth considering just the same.

I know what it's like unfortunately, but have largely solved it by no contact anymore. And I feel great now.

I haven't been much help have I? Sorry.

esmy

Would Dad go without Mum? Or would this make things worse?

DomRavioli

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

There are a lot of 'life is too short' guilt trips going on here.

That kind of thinking is assuming that the OP has done something wrong, and will only work against her to make her feel worse than she clearly does. Unless I have missed it, the OP has not said, and doesn't intend to divulge what the falling out was about

The op is clearly wracked with unhappiness and is undergoing counselling - by adding this 'life is too short' narrative, you are being judgemental and adding to her pain

Yes we all KNOW life is short - and death can happen at any age. The OP (sorry OP!) could be ran over my a double decker tomorrow. Does this mean that out of guilt and anxiety, that we must take carp from people and let them walk over us - just incase they die? Can someone tell that to the government!?

Family fall outs are extremely painful for all involved

Not true. As the child of a narcissist I often need a reality check - because life is very much too short (especially with the OP's parents being elderly and all that brings) and a hard dose of reality is usually enough to get someone back into healthy normal thinking patterns.

OP, the fact is people lie. Everybody lies. And by feeling this way, and reacting in this way you are only giving her more power by caring about what happened - you can only be offended or upset by people you give that power to.

It isn't easy to stop caring about someone, and deffo not a parent, but you do what I do with my sister - I haven't spoken a word to her in over a year, we can be in the same room, and we are civil, but I refuse to entertain her in any way, shape or form.

Perhaps this could be something you might like to have a go at (I got it from my counsellor) with her, just explain to your father that you will be civil towards her, but will not interact on any level (which also means no crying and no arguments, but it does mean you set a boundary and stick to it which could lead to stability in your own MH in the longer term).

Don't beat yourself up about what someone else did. You don't have to like your parents, talk to them, or have any form of relationship with your mum if you choose not to, but it is a choice.

Maybe also try moodgym.com.au (free online CBT) which might help with the mood stabilisation until you feel you have the coping mechanisms to make a decision.

pollypenny

OP, you said your mother apologised, so if you don't go its you who will be prolonging it.

Grit your teeth and go for your dad.

cyantist

melanzana wrote: »

Sad story.

I am in two minds here. If you go there could be another explosion which would affect you and your Dad. I dunno. The tension around it could be terrible.

I have a relative like your mother. I disengaged completely. When a big family event came up last year I did not go, but I had a separate event with the Birthday person a couple of weeks later. Birthday person totally understood, and it was great, no drama, no tension.

I am not saying that is the answer for you. But might be something you could discuss with Dad? He may want you to be there for support though.

Still it might be worth considering just the same.

I know what it's like unfortunately, but have largely solved it by no contact anymore. And I feel great now.

I haven't been much help have I? Sorry.

You have. Thanks. Actually since I haven't been speaking to my mom it's like a weight has been lifted and I generally feel much better. I do wonder if never speaking to her again will make me happy.

esmy wrote: »

Would Dad go without Mum? Or would this make things worse?

He came down to visit this weekend without her, but I think going away would be a step too far. I said to him I wish just the 3 of us could go, but more in a statement way, rather than a request. I don't think he would go for that. With how much of a hard time my mom would give him I don't think he would feel it's worth it.

cyantist

pollypenny wrote: »

OP, you said your mother apologised, so if you don't go its you who will be prolonging it.

Grit your teeth and go for your dad.

She apologised in January for all the lies she told in December. I accepted the apology and tried to put it behind us.

She then did something else which she knew would really hurt and upset me. She refuses to apologise for that, or accept any blame for it. She has also refused to apologise for what she actually did in December, only for the fact that she told lies about it. In fact she doesn't even see that what happened is in anyway her fault, when undoubtedly it is.