Family trip booked before falling out

FBaby

Can you work with your OH to become the gate keeper of things?

You do your best to be polite around your mum, you try not to let things she might say upset you, but if she does, your husband picks up on it and then come up with an excuse for you to go. Maybe your dad can talk to her about her making an effort not to say anything that could upset you.

If she is not naturally nasty and meaning to hurt you, maybe it could all come down to that, her making an effort to watch what she says, you making an effort to let anything that could upset you go over your head reminding yourself that you are doing it all for your dad.

CruisingSaver

thorsoak wrote: »

But this trip is not all about you - it should be all about your dad.

Grow up!

Seriously??!! How about you get yourself some empathy or are you of the same personality type as the OP's mother?

System

cjdavies wrote: »

I don't care how this sounds or comes out, if anyone refuses to talk to their parents that is fair enough. However I bet when they pass away you will be sniffing around for the inheritance.

Your one is a tough one, as it would be nice to spend some time your Dad , but then there is your Mum.

Well personally I couldn't give a flying !!!! about my biological dad and any inheritance, in fact one my issues with him was that he felt money could buy my love, when all I actually wanted was a dad who actually spent time with me and cared about me. I don't want his money. I just want him to admit he was a bad dad and apologise for hurting me and letting me down. Which is never going to happen as in his mind he's the best dad ever.

We've not spoken in 10 years now and that's unlikely to change.

Andypandyboy

CruisingSaver wrote: »

No it isn't a first world problem ( I detest that term with a vengeance, so throwaway and meaningless). You don't know the details of what the OP's Mum has done so you can't possibly make that judgement.


Clearly that doesn't stop the usual suspects from airing their unfounded and sour natured responses.

Nor do you know what the OP's mum has done. None of us do as she hasn't told us. So, none of us can really come down on either side. Therefore, all of us are responding based on personal experiences which may or may not be relevant to the OP. Her mother may be a nasty piece of work or the OP may be an oversensitive drama queen, or there may be fault on both sides.

None of us know, the only one who does know is too near to the issue to an make unemotional unbiased judgment.

So all responses are as valid as the next.

duchy

cyantist wrote: »

Actually DH has said this for a while and I never considered it until he mentioned it. But there are a lot of things that make sense and it would explain certain things she does. I'm not sure if that helps me though, because it would explain why she does some things and I'd maybe be able to understand she can't help it. But at the same time it doesn't mean I'll get less upset by it, just because I know that she doesn't understand what she is doing is inappropriate.

If you realize it's a form of mental illness and not nastiness deliberately directed at you but something she can't help -it wouldn't be less upsetting ? I'm not sure I understand.

If a toddler bites you - you don't react in the same way you would if an adult bit you because you understand that whilst what the toddler did wasn't pleasent - it wasn't an act of violence or malice and because of their age didn't have the control or understanding not to do it - the way an adult would.

Knowing it's mental illness doesn't mean you have to tolerate it - but understanding the motivation isn't an attack on you but a symptom of that illness should mean you not spending all your time crying as it isn't anything about you -but it's the illness.

cyantist

Andypandyboy wrote: »

Nor do you know what the OP's mum has done. None of us do as she hasn't told us. So, none of us can really come down on either side. Therefore, all of us are responding based on personal experiences which may or may not be relevant to the OP. Her mother may be a nasty piece of work or the OP may be an oversensitive drama queen, or there may be fault on both sides.

None of us know, the only one who does know is too near to the issue to an make unemotional unbiased judgment.

So all responses are as valid as the next.

This is a good point, and I don't think I'm perfect. But I don't see any way in which a family issue like this is a "first world problem"

duchy wrote: »

If a toddler bites you - you don't react in the same way you would if an adult bit you because you understand that whilst what the toddler did wasn't pleasent - it wasn't an act of violence or malice and because of their age didn't have the control or understanding not to do it - the way an adult would.

But if a toddler bites you and an adult bites you, with the same force, does the toddler bite hurt less?

She has lied and manipulated people I care about into doing bad things. Just because she may be ill, doesn't mean these things never happened.

Andypandyboy

I suspect it was referred to as a first world problem because no matter how serious you deem it to be, those in other parts of the world are dying, starving, being tortured etc. So, in the grand scheme of things....

Mind you, most of us have first world problems....thankfully.

Could you give us an example of one of the worst things she has done? Clearly, you may not wish to, but it would help us get an idea of what you are experiencing.

theoretica

If you do go on the holiday, who out of the four of you would enjoy the occasion? If you go, but avoid your mother would your dad enjoy the trip? If you don't think he would (and I imagine part of him enjoying it would be seeing you enjoy it too) then toughing it out for his sake doesn't make sense to me.

duchy

cyantist wrote: »

This is a good point, and I don't think I'm perfect. But I don't see any way in which a family issue like this is a "first world problem"



But if a toddler bites you and an adult bites you, with the same force, does the toddler bite hurt less?

She has lied and manipulated people I care about into doing bad things. Just because she may be ill, doesn't mean these things never happened.

Yes of course it does- (ignoring the milk teeth issue which makes it a daft question anyway ) Getting attacked isn't just about the pain at the time it's about the residual damage -caused by knowing someone was deliberately trying to cause you pain.

If someone accidently dropped something you valued and it smashed -are you seriously saying it would cause just as much anguish to you if they accidentally knocked it off the shelf than if they had deliberately picked it up and thrown it on the floor ? You'd be upset at both - but the fact someone did it deliberately to hurt you would be more painful than just the loss alone. Only a drama queen would think otherwise.

CruisingSaver

Andypandyboy wrote: »

Nor do you know what the OP's mum has done. None of us do as she hasn't told us. So, none of us can really come down on either side. Therefore, all of us are responding based on personal experiences which may or may not be relevant to the OP. Her mother may be a nasty piece of work or the OP may be an oversensitive drama queen, or there may be fault on both sides.

None of us know, the only one who does know is too near to the issue to an make unemotional unbiased judgment.

So all responses are as valid as the next.

True enough, however there are a couple of posters who have been unnecessarily harsh but I suppose that's the way of this board these days.


The OP is clearly distressed by whatever their Mum has said/done, so much so that she is considering not going to her Dad's birthday trip.


In an ideal world your parents should be the ones that love, protect and nurture you but as we know not all parents are like that and some can be considerably less than what their children deserve.


I hope the OP can find a suitable compromise that will allow her Dad to enjoy his birthday without causing any upset to the OP.