Family trip booked before falling out

cte1111

I think you should cancel the trip. There's nothing stopping you making another trip at some point, either with or without your parents, but clearly this time it's not going to be a good time for anyone.

To some of the harsher posters (and their likers) - problems with your parents do make you feel like a child again and can often bring back bad memories and trigger feelings of loss and trauma. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing in working through your issues with therapy. Once this has been completed, then maybe think again about how you want the relationship with your Mum to be.

I've not spoken to my Mum for over a year. She upset me for the umpteenth time and refused to consider being tactful about something, despite knowing it hurt me. My life has been more pleasant without my Mum in it. I know this is difficult for some people to accept but I think it's best for both of us. This may be the reality for the OP too, just becoming a Mother doesn't make you automatically become a good, nice or kind person.

Andypandyboy

Undoubtedly, is a one sided word. Things are rarely that clear cut. Sometimes, parents say things to adult children that are true, but blunt, sometimes they need to be said, but they are unpalatable to hear. Usually, they are said with good intentions to bring awareness to an issue or behaviours which are of concern to them. The most extreme reactions from those kids are usually if they know there is truth in what has been said.

In any event, unless there has been abuse or neglect, there are always two sides to every story.

Kaye1

Gosh it is difficult.

People who have fairly 'normal' mothers are the ones who just say, 'oh go,' as if it an easy decision. It isn't.

I haven't had anything to do with my mother for years. Best decision ever. My Dad knows the door is always open to him and when he was recently ill, I was always the first one to the hospital. But he knows how foul she is and respects my decision to not contact her.

People who have got nice, caring mothers can't comprehend it. My MIL always just brushed it off, blaming me, saying it was teenage angst that we argued. Then my Mum told me that her son (my now husband) was 'nothing more than a f*****g parasite who would use me and toss me aside like scum.' Nice. My MIL couldn't believe it!

All in all, she hit, spat, lied, swore and generally made my life hell.

Could I put to one side for the sake of my Dad? No, I bloody couldn't. Do I love him dearly- yes. But did he allow her to do this to me? Yes. She carried out a charade once, which lead me to believe he had signed a letter authorising me to be put into care.

He found out, yet did nothing.

So- I love my Dad dearly, but he is a grown man. When he was ill, I offered to take him in, to no avail. But he knows I need to protect myself and my children from that type of person.

So I don't know what the answer is OP, other than to tell you to protect yourself and your family first and wish you all the best.

duchy

I don't think it is as simple as assuming everyone who says you should still go has "nice normal mothers" or true either for that matter.

The OP can choose to just stay away from her Motheer ....but as her Dad gets older and maybe less able to travel to see her without Mum- that may mean she doesn't see her Dad either. (He incidently doesn't seem to think she shouldn't go on the holiday despite knowing all about the falling out- you'd think if the Mother was so awful he'd tell his daughter not to worry about coming -or maybe he thinks the fallout would be worse if she did cancel - Maybe if the OP doesn't know she could ask him -he may have some insight)

Many people are victims of their parents - in many different ways- and deal with it in as many ways too.

Kaye1

duchy wrote: »

Many people are victims of their parents - in many different ways- and deal with it in as many ways too.

Which is why I say at the end of my post that I don't know what the answer is.

I don't think there is an answer- just people trying to find the best way through.

But there seems to be a societal taboo to saying you don't like or even love your Mother. OP, it is ok to not like your Mum. Whether you can put that aside for a week- well only you know that. All the best.

duchy

Kaye1 wrote: »

But there seems to be a societal taboo to saying you don't like or even love your Mother. OP, it is ok to not like your Mum. Whether you can put that aside for a week- well only you know that. All the best.

Perhaps your perception is coloured by your own experiences - I don't see any taboo -just some people like their parents and some don't <shrug> I think one of the true steps to adulthood is when you can see your parents as people first and as your parents second.

Marvel1

I don't care how this sounds or comes out, if anyone refuses to talk to their parents that is fair enough. However I bet when they pass away you will be sniffing around for the inheritance.

Your one is a tough one, as it would be nice to spend some time your Dad , but then there is your Mum.

SuzieSue

cjdavies wrote: »

I don't care how this sounds or comes out, if anyone refuses to talk to their parents that is fair enough. However I bet when they pass away you will be sniffing around for the inheritance.

What a stupid thing to say. It doesn't even deserve an answer because anyone who says something like this is too stupid to understand anything.

dragonette

cjdavies wrote: »

I don't care how this sounds or comes out, if anyone refuses to talk to their parents that is fair enough. However I bet when they pass away you will be sniffing around for the inheritance.

Your one is a tough one, as it would be nice to spend some time your Dad , but then there is your Mum.

What a vile assumption, there are members of my family who I avoid like the plague and would feel sick to inherit anything from - it would go straight to charity!

It sounds like the OP and her family have a complex, possibly abusive or co-dependent, dynamic going on. From here none of us can really advise. The only real advice I could offer is to see if you can build up any emotional barriers or coping mechanisms to make it easier to deal with? This would hopefully make it easier to see you dad

pickledonionspaceraider

duchy wrote: »

You know what .....You can look at this two ways "My Mum has all the power - she can upset me and make me miserable and there is nothing I can do about it" or you can say "My Mum has the power to upset me-if I allow her to........OR as I know what to expect from her I can refuse to take it personally and refuse to react- therefore removing her power over me"

Maybe this is something you could discuss with your therapist.

The above theory would be great, if we were robots.

Human emotions do not always make sense and can be extremely intense. You cannot force yourself not to have them, emotions are wild, unreasonable and animalistic , they cannot be trained to ''not exist'' to fit into a reasoned box and are completely natural and do not always make sense

If something upsets you , then it is real, you shouldn't pretend it didn't happen or squash down your feelings as to avoid this BS theory of 'giving someone else control' as it is doing YOU more damage than good - you squash down your feelings and they eat away at you.

And the other person, the wrong doer? They have wronged you and you haven't batted an eyelid because you ''don't want to give them power'' but all you have actually done is prove you need some lessons in how to be more assertive and not let people walk all over you