Family trip booked before falling out

duchy

You know what .....You can look at this two ways "My Mum has all the power - she can upset me and make me miserable and there is nothing I can do about it" or you can say "My Mum has the power to upset me-if I allow her to........OR as I know what to expect from her I can refuse to take it personally and refuse to react- therefore removing her power over me"

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BrassicWoman

Make sure dad knows he has support to leave if he wants.

cyantist

I know a lot of this is my fault due to my issues (relating to her, of course, but still they are my problems and someone else may well have reacted in a much more calm way) but the things she does are personal. Maybe in time I will be able to handle it all better. I certainly am trying! It's just I don't know whether I'll be at that stage by the time of the trip. I doubt it.

BrassicWoman wrote: »

Make sure dad knows he has support to leave if he wants.

I have told him he can come visit whenever he wants, and stay for as long as he wants if things are ever difficult at home, and that he could move in with us if he ever wanted to.

Ames

I had a family fall out a couple of years ago and haven't spoken to my dad or sister since, which has made my life much better. I'm 'lucky' in that there's no other family involved.

How 'together' is the holiday? Would you all be sharing an apartment, or would there be scope for you to have your own space? Maybe you can find a way of spending time with your dad and not having your paths cross with your mum too much?

Andypandyboy

The thing is, if she really believes she is right then apologising is a big step for her.

In families we all see things differently, but as adults we have to come to accept that whatever the familial relationship underneath we are all just people with foibles. You are giving her power, take it back and refuse to let her actions affect you.

I think that whatever it was she did is important to know/ reflect on because there is a chance (given your comments here) that it may be how you are viewing it that is adding to your burden. Was it so unforgivable?

Lies are sometimes to cover up/minimise damage/protect the guilty, but she has apologised for them, what more can she do?

cyantist

Ames wrote: »

I had a family fall out a couple of years ago and haven't spoken to my dad or sister since, which has made my life much better. I'm 'lucky' in that there's no other family involved.

How 'together' is the holiday? Would you all be sharing an apartment, or would there be scope for you to have your own space? Maybe you can find a way of spending time with your dad and not having your paths cross with your mum too much?

We are in the same hotel but not sharing a room. The worst part is we are flying from my local airport very early so they would have to stay at mine the night before.

Andypandyboy wrote: »

The thing is, if she really believes she is right then apologising is a big step for her.

In families we all see things differently, but as adults we have to come to accept that whatever the familial relationship unhderneath we are all just people with foibles. You are giving her power, take it back and refuse to let her actions affect you.

I think that whatever it was she did is important to know/ reflect on because there is a chance (given your comments here) that it may be how you are viewing it that is adding to your burden. Was it so inforgivable?

Lies are sometimes to cover up/minimise damage/protect the guilty, but she has apologised for them, what more can she do?

How I view it is definitely adding to my burden because of past issues, I do appreciate that. But I feel that that is what makes it even more unforgivable.

And I appreciate she apologised, but she hasn't apologised for anything else she has done and like you say, she is unlikely to if she thinks she is right. I think one of my main problems I feel guilty for things which really I couldn't control and which weren't my fault, while she refuses to accept any blame at all for things that she has directly done. It's not even that she refuses to accept blame, she flat out denies ever saying and doing things that multiple people have witnessed. That is quite infuriating, but that's a whole other issue (there are several)

Ames

Couldn't they stay in a hotel near the airport instead of at yours? And maybe you could try moving to a different hotel in the resort to cut down the time you'd have to spend with her?

toniq

Maybe speak to Dad and say you will respect his wishes if he thinks he can cope with you all being together and he thinks Mother can not cause too much aggro you will go for it.

If he thinks it will be too much animosity and atmosphere then you will maybe go out for a special meal or day out with him when he is back.

FBaby

In fact she doesn't even see that what happened is in anyway her fault, when undoubtedly it is.

Are you sure it is undoubtedly? In most fall out, the issue is that both parties are persuaded the other is in the wrong. In almost all cases, there is a bit of right and wrong on both sides.

In any case, it is not that hard to ignore someone you go on holiday with and if all of you going is what will make your dad happy, then that's what you need to do. Is you mum accepting that you will be there? If so, she is making a step forward that you're not, so you need to show you are bigger (or at least as big) as her.

If they need to come to the house, make sure you have everything ready in advance. Ask your dad that they don't come to early, then go to bed early. During the holiday, spend time with your dad and only make inevitable polite conversation with your mum when you have to. Prepare yourself not to rise to any provocation and just walk away the second she gets you upset or angry.

Would your OH be prepared to make more of an effort with conversation? I'm sure he doesn't want to either, but it might easier for him to make an effort as he is less emotionally involved.

duchy

You don't HAVE to have them stay the night before......There's a variety of excuses including having workmen in, no hot water as the boiler is broken and tell them you've paid for the airport hotel so they will be using it

Your Mum sounds like she is always right .....and you are the only person who has ever got an apology out of her. At her age she isn't going to change now though so having stratagies in your head ahead of time to deal with her..... Like refusing to engage with her nonsense, removing yourself rather than get into conflict with her -which isn't running away it's refusing to play her game - I'm sure you can think of others. Build your armour against her one piece at a time. She won't change but you can change how you react to it- you can say I realize she is the one who is wrong and I won't let her make me think I'm the one in the wrong. She may not even realize - but I will know.

I had a relative who frankly bullied all the family - she could be wonderful but when she went off she was absolutely vile - No-one had the guts to stop her- they were scared of her and her tongue. My Mum basically avoided her- and whilsy my Dad would take us as kids to visit weekly Mum might see her once or twice a year. When I was about fifteen this relative forget herself in front of me and started making disparaging remarks about my Mum to me...... I told her she didn't talk about MY mother like that -she told me not to be so stupid she'd say what she liked. I replied that was up to her but I didn't need to listen to it so I was leaving and picked up my bag and coat...... She backtracked so fast it was almost funny. She was still vile about everyone but she didn't do it in my hearing again as I hadn't got angry or upset but simply made it clear I wasn't prepared to listen to her carp. She never actually apologized (this kind of person doesn't) but I didn't want an apology I just wanted her to stop doing it. Perhaps it's the same with your Mum ......and whilst she'll never admit it she'll modify her behavour around you if it's clear what the consequence of not doing so is without outright confronting her (eg your Dad tells her you've said it's her last chance on this holiday and he doesn't want any more trouble rather than you tell her)