Family trip booked before falling out

NewShadow

duchy wrote: »

Yes of course it does- (ignoring the milk teeth issue which makes it a daft question anyway ) Getting attacked isn't just about the pain at the time it's about the residual damage -caused by knowing someone was deliberately trying to cause you pain.

If someone accidently dropped something you valued and it smashed -are you seriously saying it would cause just as much anguish to you if they accidentally knocked it off the shelf than if they had deliberately picked it up and thrown it on the floor ? You'd be upset at both - but the fact someone did it deliberately to hurt you would be more painful than just the loss alone. Only a drama queen would think otherwise.

But (following that logic) an adult biting would hurt more (both physically and emotionally) as a child would (presumably) be less aware of the potential emotional damage - possibly an element of spite rather than malice.

Something innocent but painful from a toddler may be hurtful and petty from a teen, but devastating and calculated from an adult.

And conversely may hurt less from an elder (thinking dementia) where it might be heart breaking to see the deterioration, but wouldn't have the element of malice aforethought.

Andypandyboy

CruisingSaver wrote: »

True enough, however there are a couple of posters who have been unnecessarily harsh but I suppose that's the way of this board these days.


The OP is clearly distressed by whatever their Mum has said/done, so much so that she is considering not going to her Dad's birthday trip.


In an ideal world your parents should be the ones that love, protect and nurture you but as we know not all parents are like that and some can be considerably less than what their children deserve.


I hope the OP can find a suitable compromise that will allow her Dad to enjoy his birthday without causing any upset to the OP.

Indeed she is, but that doesn't necessarily mean that what her mother did warrants that response, or that the woman on the Clapham Omnibus would also react that way.

We can't judge, we don't have enough information.

Equally, some children are less than their parents deserve, focussing on the trivial and not seeing the overall picture.

My point is we don't know which camp the OP or her mum fall into, so coming down on one side or the other is wrong.

cyantist

duchy wrote: »

Yes of course it does- (ignoring the milk teeth issue which makes it a daft question anyway ) Getting attacked isn't just about the pain at the time it's about the residual damage -caused by knowing someone was deliberately trying to cause you pain.

If someone accidently dropped something you valued and it smashed -are you seriously saying it would cause just as much anguish to you if they accidentally knocked it off the shelf than if they had deliberately picked it up and thrown it on the floor ? You'd be upset at both - but the fact someone did it deliberately to hurt you would be more painful than just the loss alone. Only a drama queen would think otherwise.

See if someone bit me, it would be just that: a bite. If someone bit me on purpose I wouldn't have any residual damage and be upset because someone had deliberately wanted to hurt me. Maybe this particular analogy isn't the best for me. Especially as my toddler nephew bit my niece the other day and broke the skin. It certainly hurt her an awful lot!

I would be just as upset, yes. The item I value is gone either way. The difference would be that if they did it on purpose I'd be annoyed at them, whereas if it was an accident obviously I wouldn't. But I wouldn't find the thought that someone had broken something on purpose painful at all.

Andypandyboy

I am struggling with your responses tbh.

If you were bitten by a child, who, by definition, doesn't understand the nuances of what he is doing, then the bite would hurt. However, if your husband chose to bite you in the heat of a row that bite might hurt the same, but the motivation and understanding that lay behind it would be that of an adult, so, done knowingly and in the full understanding of how awful it was. Yet you seem to be saying that you would see both actions in the same way.

The motivation and desire to hurt is an important factor yet you are saying that you wouldn't find that painful.

Peter333

thorsoak wrote: »

But this trip is not all about you - it should be all about your dad.

Grow up!

thorsoak wrote: »

This is a first world problem and it's a case of All About Me. So no, I have no empathy with someone of this ilk.

I would be more concerned if I were of the same personality type as the OP.

CruisingSaver wrote: »

Seriously??!! How about you get yourself some empathy or are you of the same personality type as the OP's mother?

I agree with Cruising saver, is there any need to be so utterly rude and mean?

Andypandyboy said 'you can't come down on either side, as you don't know the full story,' and he is right. However, you can give a valid opinion without being so rude and putting people down by calling them childish, or coming out with that boring old chestnut 'first world problems.'

It makes me cringe when someone comes out with that to attack someone and belittle their problem. This annoying put-down should be banned from this forum! (Unless it's being said in jest, which frankly is quite rare compared to the amount of times it's used as a put-down.)

Some people would do well to show a little empathy.

cyantist

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I am struggling with your responses tbh.

If you were bitten by a child, who, by definition, doesn't understand the nuances of what he is doing, then the bite would hurt. However, if your husband chose to bite you in the heat of a row that bite might hurt the same, but the motivation and understanding that lay behind it would be that of an adult, so, done knowingly and in the full understanding of how awful it was. Yet you seem to be saying that you would see both actions in the same way.

The motivation and desire to hurt is an important factor yet you are saying that you wouldn't find that painful.

I am saying what you just said: they would hurt the same.

I know the two actions are different, but I wouldn't find the desire to hurt painful, I would be angry about my husband biting me in a way I obviously wouldn't be angry with the child.

duchy

It all sounds incredibly complicated - the OP is so sensitive that she "cries every day" at something her Mother did 4 months ago - yet apparently neither her OH or her father think it was bad enough to cancel the trip over ......and the OP feels motive or mental illness makes no difference to how she views someone else's actions.

I'm starting to wonder if there is a long history of Mother and daughter at odds and taking offence and the men in the family waiting for these incidents to blow over. I know if my OH felt I had been wronged by a close family member he'd not be expecting me to holiday with them but he knows that if I was that mortally offended it would be a one time and important to me thing and not part of a cycle.

There seems to be an awful lot of unresolved anger festering and it's simply not healthy.

cyantist

duchy wrote: »

It all sounds incredibly complicated - the OP is so sensitive that she "cries every day" at something her Mother did 4 months ago - yet apparently neither her OH or her father think it was bad enough to cancel the trip over ......and the OP feels motive or mental illness makes no difference to how she views someone else's actions.

I'm starting to wonder if there is a long history of Mother and daughter at odds and taking offence and the men in the family waiting for these incidents to blow over. I know if my OH felt I had been wronged by a close family member he'd not be expecting me to holiday with them but he knows that if I was that mortally offended it would be a one time and important to me thing and not part of a cycle.

There seems to be some confusion. What happened in December was resolved, she apologised and said nothing like that would happen again, I forgave her and we moved on.

She has now done something else, this is a recent, separate thing to what happened in December. I have only seen my Dad once since this incident, and we spoke about it and he said that DH and I should go (but without him and my mom - not sure if the OP emphasised that), as he doesn't want us missing out on going somewhere we've wanted to go for ages. I don't agree with this as it's a trip for his birthday that he paid for and we certainly shouldn't be going without him.

My OH does think we should cancel but says it's my decision and will do whatever I want.

And potential mental problems obviously affects how I view her actions. I simply said it doesn't make what has happened any less upsetting to me on a personal level.

Andypandyboy

cyantist wrote: »

I am saying what you just said: they would hurt the same.

I know the two actions are different, but I wouldn't find the desire to hurt painful, I would be angry about my husband biting me in a way I obviously wouldn't be angry with the child.

This is at odds with your statements about your mother though. You have said that whatever it is she did was done in the knowledge that it would hurt you, yet she still did it.....and that it was that which was the issue. You have made very contradictory statements here.

Something that causes you to "cry everyday" and worse, must have been very serious, because most of us get annoyed, livid even, but time usually gives us perspective and lessens our reaction. However, you have chosen not to say what that was. Given that you have shared other details with us some may wonder why that is. Obviously, it is your prerogative.

Accordingly, I have no idea of the rights or wrongs of what has been done to you, but, from reading your posts I won't automatically condemn your mother as I feel there is more to it than may be immediately apparent.

duchy

If whatshe did was dreadful .......why didn't your Dad and OH just say "The trip just can't happen" ?

Your OH doesn't think you should cancel unless you want to and your Dad is only thinking about it now ? Could they both think it's just you and your Mum falling out again and it'll blow over ? Whatever she did seems to be less dreadful to them than it does to you.