What age do you let your children out alone?

thorsoak

Spendless wrote: »

My two now aged 16 and 13 have had times over the last 18 months-ish, where they've fought like cat and dog. You know what, I still have to leave them together with no adult in.

I don't have a job that finishes at 3pm-ish.
I don't have a job that gives me school holidays off.
I don't have an assortment of retired, stay at home relatives all in good health with nothing better to do than childmind.
I don't have such a big age gap between them that the youngest can still use approved childcare and by the time she didn't need to, the eldest would have matured into an adult.
I don't have just the one child.

They are forced to be into together. They are forced to work it out between them.

Thirty years ago, your story was my story. And, in those days there were no mobile phones - and every afternoon, after 4 o'clock or thereabouts, I - or the other women in the offices would receive telephone calls that would start "Mum - tell him/her............"

Just as children need to test boundaries, to see how secure they are, so they need to be allowed, bit by bit, to develop their own, individual independance. And, a certain amount of bringing up one's younger siblings - or being brought up by one's elder siblings also develops independance.

Becles

I live in a rural village in a small cul-de-sac. Mine have played out in our cul-de-sac from about age 5. The distance they are allowed has gradually increased as they've got older. There's a grass area over our back fence, so they were allowed round there, then they were allowed in the other cul-de-sacs that make up our street and so on.

I believe they learn skills from playing out unsupervised. They learn team working, sorting out disagreements and have to evaluate risk and reward (do I dare climb that tree?) etc.

My older two went to secondary school in Durham which is 12 miles away from here, so that was a massive jump from the primary school which we can see from the front door! There is a school bus that goes round a few villages and takes them straight there. Once they went there, they were wanting to meet up with friends in Durham on a weekend. It's two bus journeys from here but they were able to do that from age 11.

Agree with the comments regarding an older one looking after the younger one. I still silently worry about my 19 year old looking after the younger one just in case the worst happens but I think that's just me being silly

Spendless

Jagraf wrote: »

Being in together is a little different from making the older one responsible for the younger one. there were three years between my and my brother but I wasn't responsible for his care.

Why is it? every single one of these things hi-lighted below could still happen. They still have to deal with it between them.

Jagraf wrote: »

No - i don't think it's fair for a child to be solely responsible for another child, never have. They are too young to be parents, and if anything happened, imagine the guilt the older child would carry around. You also have to consider accidents, falling out, and the panic an older child may feel. Emergencies, power cuts, or if a parent is delayed. In fact, the older the teen the more distracted they can be, even if very sensible.

FBaby

Assuming the 8yo was quite mature and naturally caring, and happy to take the other with them, I would have left my kids do this at that age, but would have asked the other mum to send me a quick text as soon as they got there fine.

I've left my kids walk on their own in a decent size town at an earlier age then most of their friends. However, now that they are teenagers, I seem to be more demanding than their friend's parents. They are free to go anywhere, but I expect to know where they are all the time!
They know that I get anxious if I don't know so they are good and almost always tell me and if they forget, will respond to my call/text quickly.

I have never been worried about them, it's the others I feel anxious about and I believe that a teenage girl alone at dark is actually more vulnerable than a 8 yo in daytime around many people.

Jagraf

Spendless wrote: »

Why is it? every single one of these things hi-lighted below could still happen. They still have to deal with it between them.

I don't agree with the scenario that one is responsible for another. That is a caring role. They are being told to act as parent or carer. That is very different from two kids living their own lives and being in the house together.

In my opinion, both children have to be mature enough to be on their own.

There are 5 years between my husband and his sister and she was left "in charge" (yeah right) a lot and hated it. They are 50 now but she still recalls events!

missbiggles1

Jagraf wrote: »

No - i don't think it's fair for a child to be solely responsible for another child, never have. They are too young to be parents, and if anything happened, imagine the guilt the older child would carry around. You also have to consider accidents, falling out, and the panic an older child may feel. Emergencies, power cuts, or if a parent is delayed. In fact, the older the teen the more distracted they can be, even if very sensible.

But many people employ teenagers as baby sitters so I feel that's unrealistic. It would also mean you couldn't leave a 15 year old on their own because of a fear of emergencies.

missbiggles1

FBaby wrote: »

Assuming the 8yo was quite mature and naturally caring, and happy to take the other with them, I would have left my kids do this at that age, but would have asked the other mum to send me a quick text as soon as they got there fine.

I've left my kids walk on their own in a decent size town at an earlier age then most of their friends. However, now that they are teenagers, I seem to be more demanding than their friend's parents. They are free to go anywhere, but I expect to know where they are all the time!
They know that I get anxious if I don't know so they are good and almost always tell me and if they forget, will respond to my call/text quickly.

I have never been worried about them, it's the others I feel anxious about and I believe that a teenage girl alone at dark is actually more vulnerable than a 8 yo in daytime around many people.

I agree with you. Too many parents give their children too little freedom in the years leading up to their becoming teenagers and too much once they're in ttheir teens. It often needs to be the other way round.

Jagraf

missbiggles1 wrote: »

But many people employ teenagers as baby sitters so I feel that's unrealistic. It would also mean you couldn't leave a 15 year old on their own because of a fear of emergencies.

It's not a 15 year old being left on their own that I have a problem with. Being left on your own is part of the independence process. It's a child (of any age) being responsible for another child (of any age) which is the opposite. Emergencies are hard enough to handle without being responsible for another child.

Employing children as babysitters is another can of worms entirely (although I think the law states that under 16s the parent is still responsible, for entirely the reasons that they are still children themselves and the law is protecting them, over 16 a babysitter can be prosecuted if anything happens - but I'm not entirely sure).

Jagraf

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I agree with you. Too many parents give their children too little freedom in the years leading up to their becoming teenagers and too much once they're in ttheir teens. It often needs to be the other way round.

I agree with this.

Spendless

Jagraf wrote: »

I don't agree with the scenario that one is responsible for another. That is a caring role. They are being told to act as parent or carer. That is very different from two kids living their own lives and being in the house together.

In my opinion, both children have to be mature enough to be on their own.

There are 5 years between my husband and his sister and she was left "in charge" (yeah right) a lot and hated it. They are 50 now but she still recalls events!

There's still the potential for incidents to happen even if you haven't directly said the words 'you're in charge' to one of them. If I'm out and the eldest encourages the youngest to drink the contents of the drinks cabinet, I'd be pretty livid with them both. If one of them decided to do it, I'd be mad with that one and *perhaps* with the other for not contacting me to let me know.

DD cut her finger the other day on glass. That was on my watch, but since she's a teenager I don't accompany her to the bathroom and if at 13 she's still dopey enough to pick up a clearly broken mirror, it's no more my fault than anyone else left with her that day!

Where I live there is no childcare once a child gets to age 11 or yr7, none in term-time and very little in school holidays, certainly nothing that provides care for the whole duration of a f-time working day. No choice if you want/have to work about leaving the children at home.