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Heartbroken - end of long relationship

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  • Angry_Bear
    Angry_Bear Posts: 2,021 Forumite
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    tiger_eyes wrote: »
    I hate to add salt to the wound, but is it possible he actually did meet other women? If so, a STD test might give you peace of mind... :(
    The thought has crossed my mind. Once upon a time I would have said no way, but I don't know anything for sure any more.
    Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?
    ― Sir Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015
  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511 Forumite
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    edited 29 April 2016 at 1:26PM
    Ultimately though just like rape isn't really about sex it's about power - the same can be said of cheating.

    Cheats cheat because they *can* and get a kick out of it. If they genuinely believed in their marriage or relationship they'd be talking and trying to fix it not sneaking off behind their partner's backs.

    Most people who cheat aren't sorry they cheated- they are just sorry they were found out and the illusion that they were having an "adventure" is shattered and they are left with the reality that they look dishonest and a bit grubby. Of course a cheat wants to throw the blame onto their partner rather than admit to themselves they are that sort of a person.

    My partner loves the bones of me -if we never had sex again (ain't gonna happen :) ) he'd still love me and stay faithful - The reason I know is his previous partner of fifteen years had health problems that meant they didn't have sex for the last five years before she died. He didn't stray-it's not in his nature to. If he's with someone it's 100%. Not all men use the excuse of not getting enough at home to justify shagging around just the weak ones.
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

    MSE Florida wedding .....no problem
  • Angry_Bear
    Angry_Bear Posts: 2,021 Forumite
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    duchy wrote: »
    Most people who cheat aren't sorry they cheated- they are just sorry they were found out and the illusion that they were having an "adventure" is shattered and they are left with the reality that they look dishonest and a bit grubby.
    Absolutely this. I get the feeling OH wants me to start screaming at (or even about) the woman he was talking to Jeremy-Kyle style, and shouting jealously that she can't have him or semething. I think maybe he wonders why I'm not fighting for him.
    The truth is (at the moment anyway) I don't hate him - I don't think I'm even all that angry at him, I just feel sort of contempt and disappointment that he's not the person I thought he was. He's just another stupid little man being led about by his penis.
    Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?
    ― Sir Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015
  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker Xmas Saver!
    Angry_Bear wrote: »
    Absolutely this. I get the feeling OH wants me to start screaming at (or even about) the woman he was talking to Jeremy-Kyle style, and shouting jealously that she can't have him or semething. I think maybe he wonders why I'm not fighting for him.
    The truth is (at the moment anyway) I don't hate him - I don't think I'm even all that angry at him, I just feel sort of contempt and disappointment that he's not the person I thought he was. He's just another stupid little man being led about by his penis.


    I get this completely
    When my ex husband cheated my biggest reaction was feeling so disappointed in him that he wasn't the @good guy@ he (and I) believed himself to be and I simply couldn't feel the same way about him again. He went through some tough times coming to terms with his actions over the next few years as he felt he had let himself down too.
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

    MSE Florida wedding .....no problem
  • Ozzuk
    Ozzuk Posts: 1,884 Forumite
    Eighth Anniversary 1,000 Posts
    I think you need some time away. At the moment you are in shock, wanting to tell his family for instance likely (possibly even sub-consciously) is a move designed to hurt or punish your (ex) partner. In your head it's all over, hence why the fresh argument hurt you - its very easy to get caught up in your own emotional state and forget that your ex is in a very different place.

    Note - I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong, there is no easy way to do all this and I think you're handling it brilliantly. But you both need to give each other room to process what is happening.

    As I said earlier, you will get through this, you'll build a new awesome life and you'll be happy. Hugs.
  • barbiedoll
    barbiedoll Posts: 5,328 Forumite
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    Reading through your OP again, I think that in reality, the relationship was over for you a long time ago, wasn't it?

    You speak of having a "practical plan" in case it happened again (how right you were :() and of "forcing" yourself to try to trust him again, but you never quite managed it, did you?

    He's a silly boy and he will regret this, but that's not for you to worry about now. You sound as though you have come to terms with the fact that your life is starting over without him. He's not at that stage yet, he probably thinks that he can wriggle out of it again and that you'll forgive and forget if he gives you long enough.

    I wish you well, this is the start of the rest of your life. Take some time out to care for yourself, I daresay you'll be working harder than ever if you're planning to buy him out, so don't forget to eat well, rest enough and give yourself time to grieve if you need to.
    Stay strong, keep your head up and brace yourself for the tears, tantrums and whining that's sure to follow once he realises that you're out of this relationship for good.

    Good luck :)
    "I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"
  • Angry_Bear
    Angry_Bear Posts: 2,021 Forumite
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    barbiedoll wrote: »
    Reading through your OP again, I think that in reality, the relationship was over for you a long time ago, wasn't it?
    I think there's an element of truth in that. While I don't think it was "over", there's certainly been a feeling that it's been on life support.
    You speak of having a "practical plan" in case it happened again (how right you were :() and of "forcing" yourself to try to trust him again, but you never quite managed it, did you?
    No. I was definitely in the "managed to forgive, but not forget" camp. I was still hopeful that trust might come again with time - of course having done it again puts paid to that! And if you're completely certain someone will never do something, then they do it ... well, you can never get that complete certainty back again.
    He's a silly boy and he will regret this, but that's not for you to worry about now. You sound as though you have come to terms with the fact that your life is starting over without him. He's not at that stage yet, he probably thinks that he can wriggle out of it again and that you'll forgive and forget if he gives you long enough.
    I expect that's true, but I am reminding myself that caring about him and feeling sorry for doesn't mean we can go back to the way we were.
    I wish you well, this is the start of the rest of your life. Take some time out to care for yourself, I daresay you'll be working harder than ever if you're planning to buy him out, so don't forget to eat well, rest enough and give yourself time to grieve if you need to.
    Stay strong, keep your head up and brace yourself for the tears, tantrums and whining that's sure to follow once he realises that you're out of this relationship for good.

    Good luck :)
    Have a dodgy hug :grouphug:
    Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?
    ― Sir Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015
  • I feel for you. Just going through a divorce myself after OH cheated and a lot of these comments resonate. It's a good thing you're strong enough to split up. He's obviously not worth staying with, and not the man you both thought he could be.

    Don't blame yourself. There have been some specious comments here about the reasons he might have been cheating. All I can say is that none of us are perfect but no one deserves that kind of behaviour. Actually, it sounds as if you're a fairly wonderful person who's been completely disregarded by someone very selfish.

    The Singlies thread on MSE is a great source of advice. Read it from the beginning. If you need a buddy, we should resurrect it.

    Don't cry. You can't have the life you thought you were going to have but you can have a different one. It could even be a lot better.

    Take care

    PQ
  • justme111
    justme111 Posts: 3,531 Forumite
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    edited 30 April 2016 at 1:57PM
    Guest , op did not ask "why this happened". She is not trying to stay with him and make it work either for you to argue she should ask. So your comments are about as relevant to this thread as a recipe for shepherds pie.
    The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
    Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.
  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker Xmas Saver!
    justme111 wrote: »
    Guest , op did not ask "why this happened". She is not trying to stay with him and make it work either for you to argue she should ask. So your comments are about as relevant to this thread as a recipe for shepherds pie.

    Some people simply can't see beyond their own agendas which stops them seeing which posts are asking for opinions and which are seeking support.

    Shepherds pie can be very good comfort food during a break up however.................... so possibly is more relevant !
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

    MSE Florida wedding .....no problem
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