Heartbroken - end of long relationship

duchy

Guest101 wrote: »

At the minute he's neither moving out, nor is it her home.

There's no point making out its easy to buy out her husband, he can say no. If he's not accepting of the break up he probably will.

If he is still in denial that his actions have indeed ended the marriage then yes he could refuse but ultimately he will have no choice . Best scenario is he accepts it and there is an amicable split-worst he hangs around refusing to move out until the OP divorces him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and there is a financial order at which point he forces the sale of the house or agrees to the buy out. It can be as hard or as easy as he chooses. (edit Just realized they aren't married so legally it is far simpler)

He can be obtuse and vindictive or he can accept the inevitable and start to move on himself too .

Not everyone is bitter and vindictive and would cut off their nose to spite their face-some people can understand that if they've killed their marriage with repeated betrayal that the decent thing to do is not make things any harder for both parties concerned.

OP says he is basically a decent person who has made irretrievable mistakes in this matter - most people ARE decent and once they've realized there is no reconciliation wouldn't behave as person one is apparently advocating.

Plenty of people in the early days of a marriage split say they won't move out - but once they have processed the full situation do - as they realize it is only delaying the inevitable and a lousy way to live and prefer to move out allowing both parties to begin to rebuild their lives and start to heal.

If you are close to his family -then yes I would tell them - but stick with saying the breakdown is irretrievable but you prefer not to discuss the reasons at this time. They don't need to know why - they just need to know it has happened- however no matter how close you are to them blood can be thicker than water -and some people feel they need to support family in these scenarios so they may not be supportive to you. If you can discuss with your husband and agree how to tell them that might be a better outcome. Ideally though HE should be the one telling them not you if you aren't very close.

Guest101

Angry_Bear wrote: »

It matter to me that people who have been my family for 18 years, even if we're not close, get important information like this in person.

Agree with 2 sort of, but 3 doesn't make sense unless I also give the circumstances. #4 of course there is a reason for it, not least my niece, who I'm sure would be very hurt if she heard this news from a friend of a friend rather than from family!

Agree with this, and it's a concern on my radar - although he is a decent person (in most ways!), so I don't expect him to be deliberately difficult.

Fair enough, if it's important to you, generally I don't think the in law should discuss such matters, he/she has their own friends /family and it may put the sister in a very difficult position, ultimately one she won't ( or may not ) thank you for.

3: I meant that it may seem that you are firing the first public shots. You are hurt and trying to discredit him to his family, ultimately some people may take issue with this. Even if you have every right to be angry.

4: I suppose this depends on how close the family is. I wouldn't be hurt by a relationship split of members of my family, but I would offer support to my blood relation over the outsider, even if they were in the right.

- remember he may want to buy you out, or simply want to enjoy his property. Again you may feel this is unreasonable, but a court may not.

Guest101

duchy wrote: »

If he is still in denial that his actions have indeed ended the marriage then yes he could refuse but ultimately he will have no choice . Best scenario is he accepts it and there is an amicable split-worst he hangs around refusing to move out until the OP divorces him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and there is a financial order at which point he forces the sale of the house or agrees to the buy out. It can be as hard or as easy as he chooses. (edit Just realized they aren't married so legally it is far simpler)

He can be obtuse and vindictive or he can accept the inevitable and start to move on himself too .

Not everyone is bitter and vindictive and would cut off their nose to spite their face-some people can understand that if they've killed their marriage with repeated betrayal that the decent thing to do is not make things any harder for both parties concerned.

OP says he is basically a decent person who has made irretrievable mistakes in this matter - most people ARE decent and once they've realized there is no reconciliation wouldn't behave as person one is apparently advocating.

Plenty of people in the early days of a marriage split say they won't move out - but once they have processed the full situation do - as they realize it is only delaying the inevitable and a lousy way to live and prefer to move out allowing both parties to begin to rebuild their lives and start to heal.

If you are close to his family -then yes I would tell them - but stick with saying the breakdown is irretrievable but you prefer not to discuss the reasons at this time. They don't need to know why - they just need to know it has happened- however no matter how close you are to them blood can be thicker than water -and some people feel they need to support family in these scenarios so they may not be supportive to you. If you can discuss with your husband and agree how to tell them that might be a better outcome. Ideally though HE should be the one telling them not you if you aren't very close.

I hope that he is reasonable. But it's worth highlighting what you said for extra emphasis.

The OP can force a sale, at a cost, but not a buy - out.

They both have equal rights to enjoy their property and can't be forced to give up their share to the other. ( unless as you say it's by divorce proceedings )

Angry_Bear

Guest101 wrote: »

- remember he may want to buy you out, or simply want to enjoy his property. Again you may feel this is unreasonable, but a court may not.

Bluntly, he can't afford to buy me out.
He may not want me to buy him out of what was "our" home, in which case we will have to sell and both move out - if necessary that would involve a legal battle, but I don't think it would ever come to that.

duchy wrote: »

Ideally though HE should be the one telling them not you if you aren't very close.

Absolutely agree with this. My problem is that so far I've only said anything to my immediate family, as I don't want his family to find out by rumour. I'm feeling itchy to get on with the painful job of telling people (NOT in a vindictive way, but just to explain things like cancelling plans), but I don't think I can do that until they know.
I suspect I'm being a bit too impatient because doing nothing is so very frustrating/painful. I will probably hold off and try to discuss it with him over the weekend. Hopefully he will get in touch with them himself.

LannieDuck

Angry_Bear wrote: »

I told him on Monday that we're finished. We live a long way from family so I've suggested that we try to see if we can live in our house together in separate rooms until we sell it. He has said he doesn't know why he did it and that he can't seem to help himself ruining his life.

I don't know how closely you've quoted him there, but I think it's pretty telling that his concern is only for himself. He's worried that he's ruined his life - was there any similar sentiment about how badly he's affected your life?

duchy

The thing is -in your head it is over .......in his it isn't so whilst you have drawn a line and are in the "It has happened -lets get it sorted out and get on with the rest of our lives" He may not be there yet and is still thinking you will forgive him (not unreasonable as you did before). If he thinks time and placating you with counselling is going to solve things then you may need to either confront him head on or wait for him to catch up -the later whilst frustrating may make the ultimate splitting of assets less confrontational .

Make sure you keep an eye on the bigger picture.

Angry_Bear

LannieDuck wrote: »

I don't know how closely you've quoted him there, but I think it's pretty telling that his concern is only for himself. He's worried that he's ruined his life - was there any similar sentiment about how badly he's affected your life?

I can't remember his exact words, but I suspect it was more of "I've ruined everything". However, I do feel like he only cares because he's losing me, not because he's hurt me IYSWIM.

duchy wrote: »

The thing is -in your head it is over .......in his it isn't so whilst you have drawn a line and are in the "It has happened -lets get it sorted out and get on with the rest of our lives" He may not be there yet and is still thinking you will forgive him (not unreasonable as you did before). If he thinks time and placating you with counselling is going to solve things then you may need to either confront him head on or wait for him to catch up -the later whilst frustrating may make the ultimate splitting of assets less confrontational .

Make sure you keep an eye on the bigger picture.

Yep, this is exactly it. I will try to exercise some self-restraint .

Dremmielou

Just browsing after being another thread and spotted this. I am attempting to complete my house sale following a similar thing happening to me.
More than 3 years ago I split from my ex after he cheated.
He was secretly plotting to move his "floozie" into rented accommodation around the corner from our home!
He refused to move out. Point blank. I thought we would be OK living in the house together until we sold but my god I was so wrong! For over 2 years he made my life a living hell. Constant stream of verbal abuse, he tore my clothes that were hung up for going out that night, he woke me in the early hours and spewed vitriol in my face before walking out of the rom and going back to sleep like nothing had happened. He frequently used my daughter against me , she was only 4 at the time and he threatened to call social services against me and go for full custody on the basis that I work long hours as a doctor and therefore was unable to look after her.
He stole and hid my passport ( whoever suggested making that safe- please do it)
I finally saw a financial advisor and we figured a way I could partially buy him out, it's crippled me financially but I honestly believe I'd be dead if it hadn't happened.
Living together post split is very very hard. I am sure some reasonable people do it but cheats generally aren't reasonable people.
All I am saying is be careful and prepare yourself. It's shocking how people change when things aren't going their way.
My ex never apologised and still moons about asking me to take him back. It's insufferable.
I am still putting myself back together now but I will never be the same. I thought my luck had changed when I sold the house and put an offer in on a new home for me and my little girl....unfortunately that looks like it is going tits up now and I am struggling to cope.
BUT I am strong, we women are as tough as it gets and we do cope, again and again
I read something once that struck a chord " a woman doesn't cry because she is weak , she cries because she has been strong for so long"
Have a cry, shout and scream, kick things, but above all, take care of yourself, value yourself and remember that you deserve happiness

mark5

I don't get why guest101 has been given such a hard time in here?

I thought exactly what his first post said, most men who stray do so because of lack of sex and/or affection from their partner.

I think a lot of women would be surprised how many married men have had affairs or paid for it due to not getting it at home, it's just the wives are too oblivious to notice.

I'm not saying what the op's husband has done is okay but I would say people in happy marriages probably wouldn't cheat, they are looking for something that's missing and with men it's usually sex.

LannieDuck

mark5 wrote: »

I don't get why guest101 has been given such a hard time in here?

I thought exactly what his first post said, most men who stray do so because of lack of sex and/or affection from their partner.

I think a lot of women would be surprised how many married men have had affairs or paid for it due to not getting it at home, it's just the wives are too oblivious to notice.

I'm not saying what the op's husband has done is okay but I would say people in happy marriages probably wouldn't cheat, they are looking for something that's missing and with men it's usually sex.

Because what you're saying is that some men cheat on their wives... and the wife made them do it.

The man couldn't possibly be at fault, could he?



Edit: Reverse position also applies - if the woman cheats, the starting assumption should be that she's at fault, not that her husband must have done something wrong.