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Heartbroken - end of long relationship
Angry_Bear
Posts: 2,021 Forumite
Please bear with me, my head is in a bit of a mess and this might end up a bit long and waffly.
I've recently found out my OH is cheating on me, again, sort of. I've debated with logging on under a new username for a bit of anonymity (it's pretty easy to track me to RL if anyone wanted and a couple of people from RL know my username here), but I don't want to feel like I have something to hide.
A couple of years back I logged in to his Facebook account to get some details of a mutual friend (we have never had an issue having access to each others' accounts). When I logged in a message popped up from a female friend of ours - the message was a little odd so I had a little look at the chat history. I was devasted to find out that he'd been regularly "sexting" her for months, up to and including sending compromising pictures to each other. Worse than that, there were at least two others he was doing the same with, including his best friends' wife - who was one of my best friends.
I was really gutted but decided to give him another chance. Looking back I think I made all sorts of excuses for him in my head because I was too scared to leave and start up again on my own. When I found out (not when he started the whole nonsense, so not an excuse for him), his mother was rapidly deteriorating from dementia, and I also used that as a justification to stay with him.
It sounds pathetic reading it back, but I guess most people in the same situation will understand. I was HAPPY, and I wanted to kid myself that I could brush it all under the carpet and be happy again. I met him when I was 16 and we moved in together when I was 17 (over 18 years ago), the thought of all that being over was overwhelming. However, after that I promised myself I would have a practical "plan" so that fear of the unknown would never be a reason for me to stay in the future.
I'd always trusted him implicitly, and I still think that trust is a cornerstone of any relationship, so when he broke that trust I was devastated. I tried to "force" myself to trust him again, but I couldn't help occasionally cheking his emails and FB history. Of course, as you can gather from the start of my post I recently found that he was at it again.
I was "lucky" in that I logged on to check while he was in the middle of chatting - it quickly became obvious that he was deleting the entire chat history every 3 or 4 messages, so I've no idea how long it's been going on or if there have been others.
This time it's "just" been flirting, and the woman he's been chatting to (an old school friend of his sister) has been sort of fending him off, although I suspect it's "iffy" enough that her husband wouldn't be too happy! However, given his history and that it's him doing all the chasing, and that he's deleting the messages, and that he's never mentioned even once that he's been in touch with her, and that the messages cross the line a bit anyway ... it's not okay.
I told him on Monday that we're finished. We live a long way from family so I've suggested that we try to see if we can live in our house together in separate rooms until we sell it. He has said he doesn't know why he did it and that he can't seem to help himself ruining his life.
Yesterday when I got home he left me a note asking if I'd give him 6 months and he would seek counseling. I've told him I will agree to delay to put the house for sale until June, but that's only to give him time to come to terms with things and make sure he's happy with the agreements we make when separating. I've told him that if he wants to go to counseling alone I'll support him, and that if he wants me to go with him I will go, but that I don't expect it to change my mind. He had this chance the first time he was caught out - it's too late now.
I don't really know why I'm posting all this here but I'm not good at talking about this sort of stuff and I don't have a lot of friends, certainly none I can talk about this with. I guess I just need to get it off my chest a bit, and maybe hoping for a little bit of moral support. Right, now to hit post before I chicken out
.
I've recently found out my OH is cheating on me, again, sort of. I've debated with logging on under a new username for a bit of anonymity (it's pretty easy to track me to RL if anyone wanted and a couple of people from RL know my username here), but I don't want to feel like I have something to hide.
A couple of years back I logged in to his Facebook account to get some details of a mutual friend (we have never had an issue having access to each others' accounts). When I logged in a message popped up from a female friend of ours - the message was a little odd so I had a little look at the chat history. I was devasted to find out that he'd been regularly "sexting" her for months, up to and including sending compromising pictures to each other. Worse than that, there were at least two others he was doing the same with, including his best friends' wife - who was one of my best friends.
I was really gutted but decided to give him another chance. Looking back I think I made all sorts of excuses for him in my head because I was too scared to leave and start up again on my own. When I found out (not when he started the whole nonsense, so not an excuse for him), his mother was rapidly deteriorating from dementia, and I also used that as a justification to stay with him.
It sounds pathetic reading it back, but I guess most people in the same situation will understand. I was HAPPY, and I wanted to kid myself that I could brush it all under the carpet and be happy again. I met him when I was 16 and we moved in together when I was 17 (over 18 years ago), the thought of all that being over was overwhelming. However, after that I promised myself I would have a practical "plan" so that fear of the unknown would never be a reason for me to stay in the future.
I'd always trusted him implicitly, and I still think that trust is a cornerstone of any relationship, so when he broke that trust I was devastated. I tried to "force" myself to trust him again, but I couldn't help occasionally cheking his emails and FB history. Of course, as you can gather from the start of my post I recently found that he was at it again.
I was "lucky" in that I logged on to check while he was in the middle of chatting - it quickly became obvious that he was deleting the entire chat history every 3 or 4 messages, so I've no idea how long it's been going on or if there have been others.
This time it's "just" been flirting, and the woman he's been chatting to (an old school friend of his sister) has been sort of fending him off, although I suspect it's "iffy" enough that her husband wouldn't be too happy! However, given his history and that it's him doing all the chasing, and that he's deleting the messages, and that he's never mentioned even once that he's been in touch with her, and that the messages cross the line a bit anyway ... it's not okay.
I told him on Monday that we're finished. We live a long way from family so I've suggested that we try to see if we can live in our house together in separate rooms until we sell it. He has said he doesn't know why he did it and that he can't seem to help himself ruining his life.
Yesterday when I got home he left me a note asking if I'd give him 6 months and he would seek counseling. I've told him I will agree to delay to put the house for sale until June, but that's only to give him time to come to terms with things and make sure he's happy with the agreements we make when separating. I've told him that if he wants to go to counseling alone I'll support him, and that if he wants me to go with him I will go, but that I don't expect it to change my mind. He had this chance the first time he was caught out - it's too late now.
I don't really know why I'm posting all this here but I'm not good at talking about this sort of stuff and I don't have a lot of friends, certainly none I can talk about this with. I guess I just need to get it off my chest a bit, and maybe hoping for a little bit of moral support. Right, now to hit post before I chicken out
. Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?
― Sir Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015
― Sir Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015
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Comments
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Angry Bear,
Well done for sticking up for a life you want to live!:heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.0 -
The first thing that popped in to my head was, if you have no issue of going on each other's Facebook accounts, how on earth did he think you weren't going to see all these messages anyway? Or maybe he wanted you to see them?Pink Sproglettes born 2008 and 2010
Mortgages (End 2017) - £180,235.03
(End 2021) - £131,215.25 DID IT!!!
(End 2022) - Target £116,213.810 -
Ouch. [Starts rant on treacherous so&so but pauses to think]
I would hand you an absorbent real cotton handkerchief & a pint of Ben & Jerrys but first, please phone the bank & make it clear where the money stops.
If necessary "lose" bank cards so the account is held. After you've pulled a handful to keep you going for a couple of days & bombproofed any direct debits.
Counselling does not mean 'avoid the company of lawyers' either - google wikivorce, and local solicitors.
Get estate agents in to give you an estimate market value. Explain (if necessary) that your husband 'has the offer of work elsewhere & his work will help pay relocation', but you need written valuations.
Check your credit record. Talk to the bank (as well as on here if you need to) about re-establishing your own solo credit history.
Photograph (cameraphone if nothing better, decent camera if you can) each room and any items in it you regard definitively as *yours*.
Up to you as to whether you change the locks but if its a joint mortgage that may not be a good idea, as it's illegal.
Invite someone over, in part for comfort, in part to facilitate you doing all the practical things like finding your passport & birth certificate, and in part to have a witness in case he decides to add the the idiot rap sheet by adding physical domestic violence.
You may want to tell work your spouse has unilaterally decided to end your marriage to see if they're minded to give you any time off. Your union may have legal benefits including solicitors advice?
Just be gentle with yourself, whilst defending all that is yours.
Others will be along with more wisdom & support - I just wish I could sort you a safe space to scream, get sozzled and thump things, then eat a large meal cooked & washed up by someone else, but the lack of friends (because he's all you wanted, then & now, trust issues) will make life still more difficult.
Keep eating, drinking, exercising, bathing, sleeping. You are still you even if he is not who you thought him to be.0 -
He's massively betrayed your trust before and been caught. Been forgiven, and done it again, despite this time having been more careful to avoid being caught. So now he want another chance to try even harder to avoid getting caught? Yeah...give him another chance - he sounds a real catch!!
There are other men out there who don't behave like this (avoid tall northern blokes who call themselves Vernon, though!). You deserve much better- sorry you've been hurt by this idiot, though.0 -
Well done for making a tough but right decision, You will never be able to trust him again.
I forgave my ex the first time, there was not a second time as he let me for one of the women he was chatting to.
there is a life after them
xx0 -
I'll probably get shot for this, but:
Is there enough intimacy from your side of the relationship? Or I suppose was there, as not really applicable now.
Some people cheat no matter what, but other feel driven there by the lacking in their own relationship.
Even if it's not an issue now for this relationship, it's may be worth exploring for future relationship you may have.0 -
Thank you all! I'm at work (although not being particularly productive today), so I might not be able to answer easily. Not least because I don't want to start blubbing at work
I've wondered this myself, but then again it was going on for so long before I noticed anyway, as it just never occurred to me to check his messages.pollyanna24 wrote: »The first thing that popped in to my head was, if you have no issue of going on each other's Facebook accounts, how on earth did he think you weren't going to see all these messages anyway? Or maybe he wanted you to see them?
Thanks you for some very good practical advice.DigForVictory wrote: »...
Money-wise, although we split everything we only have one joint savings account that has nothing in it anyway (as I just split it all between ISAs at the start of the month by coincidence).
I'm the one who does all our banking and organisation so a lot of what you say would probably be more useful to him! But it's up to him to sort himself out now.
We're not married (luckily) and we don't have any children, so the only thing really to sort out is the house and contents, but I'll have a look and check if there's stuff I'm forgetting about.Counselling does not mean 'avoid the company of lawyers' either - google wikivorce, and local solicitors.
Neither of us could afford to buy the other out, so we will definitely have to sell. Valuations and stuff are going to be necessary anyway, and I'm quite prepared to sort all that stuff out.Get estate agents in to give you an estimate market value. Explain (if necessary) that your husband 'has the offer of work elsewhere & his work will help pay relocation', but you need written valuations.
For now, I think we'll be okay living in the same house (but different rooms) until we sell. If not, then I've given him the option of moving out and I'll cover the bills and mortgage until we sell. He would struggle to cover the bills on his own so me moving out isn't really an option.Up to you as to whether you change the locks but if its a joint mortgage that may not be a good idea, as it's illegal.
[/quote]
I really can't imagine him ever doing anything like that, but I'm on top of all the practical things all the time anyway - it's just my nature.Invite someone over, in part for comfort, in part to facilitate you doing all the practical things like finding your passport & birth certificate, and in part to have a witness in case he decides to add the the idiot rap sheet by adding physical domestic violence.
You may want to tell work your spouse has unilaterally decided to end your marriage to see if they're minded to give you any time off. Your union may have legal benefits including solicitors advice?
I'd also rather be at work, my family have offered me to go and stay with them (various of them) for a few days, but I think I'd ratehr get on with as much of "normal" life as I can.
Thank you for the kind words, I do have some friends, just not particularly close ones - they'll still be up for food and drink though!Just be gentle with yourself, whilst defending all that is yours. ...Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?
― Sir Terry Pratchett, 1948-20150 -
Plenty. Not that "none" would have made his actions excusable.Is there enough intimacy from your side of the relationship? Or I suppose was there, as not really applicable now.Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?
― Sir Terry Pratchett, 1948-20150 -
Angry_Bear wrote: »Plenty. Not that "none" would have made his actions excusable.
Absolutely. Im sorry you're going through this....I don't have any advice other than don't give in, be strong, you deserve better. Anybody would deserve better. Be kind to yourself xxx
Proud Mummy to Ruby
born 02/01/09 5lb 20 -
Empathy really isn't your thing is it ?
Sometimes it's better to say nothing (or hold back for a while) rather than twist the knife when someone is already hurting.
OP Take everything one day at a time.
IF you want to stay in the house and can handle it - then it's the sensible option - but even if you can handle it taking a few days away visiting friends or family might be helpful.
Betrayal is horrible -it puts doubts about everything you ever had together into question - Maybe you still want answers - maybe you no longer care enough to want them .....but that need may change as you process everything over the next few weeks.
Just do what feels right for you on any given day (even if it's different to what you felt the day before) and hang on in there. It's a horrible time but things WLL get better <hug>I'll probably get shot for this, but:
Is there enough intimacy from your side of the relationship? Or I suppose was there, as not really applicable now.
Some people cheat no matter what, but other feel driven there by the lacking in their own relationship.
Even if it's not an issue now for this relationship, it's may be worth exploring for future relationship you may have.I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole
MSE Florida wedding .....no problem0
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