Heartbroken - end of long relationship

duchy

Once you've redecorated .. and put YOUR stamp on it......it'll feel entirely different .

Certainly means you could crack on and not go through the usual selling a house horrors and all that money you save on solicitors and estate agent fees can go towards decorating !!

Definitely worth thinking about.

Worst scenario is you sell up in a year or two - best you grow to love it even more once you've put your exclusive stamp on it.

Mojisola

Angry_Bear wrote: »

Following my work news this afternoon, I did a little re-jigging ... and it now looks like I'm in a position to buy out my OH.
Trying to weigh up the pros and cons in my head (e.g. pro: I love my house, con: but will it always feel like "our" house?), but it's good to have options.

duchy wrote: »

Once you've redecorated .. and put YOUR stamp on it......it'll feel entirely different .

And when you do come to sell in the future, there won't be disagreements between you and him about price, etc.

Angry_Bear

I'm hoping for a bit of advice. I'm planning to call my ex-OH's sister to tell her we're splitting up. While we get on okay, we're not close but I think I should make sure she (and by extension, my niece) has heard it from one of us before she hears it on the rumour mill. I suspect ex is in a bit of denial and hasn't spoken to her, but it might help him realise it's really over if he has to face up to it with family.

Anyway, my question is - should I tell her why? I mean, not the details but roughly? I feel like it makes me look bad and raises more questions if I just say "it's complicated and I don't want to put you in the middle". But on the other hand, I don't want to cause unnecessary bad feeling with ex as things will be simpler the more civil we can keep it.

Voyager2002

Angry_Bear wrote: »

Anyway, my question is - should I tell her why? I mean, not the details but roughly? I feel like it makes me look bad and raises more questions if I just say "it's complicated and I don't want to put you in the middle". But on the other hand, I don't want to cause unnecessary bad feeling with ex as things will be simpler the more civil we can keep it.

No, there are certain things that she would not want to know about her brother.

tealady

Hi
Just say to his sister " we are going our separate ways, he is moving out. I don't wan't to discuss the reasons as they are personal and between him and me. Hope you understand"
Its no one elses business. If people ask just reply "Its personal"
Now go and get that haircut, pick up some wall paper samples and paint pots and enjoy having YOUR home arranged and decorated just how you like.

Angry_Bear

Voyager2002 wrote: »

No, there are certain things that she would not want to know about her brother.

tealady wrote: »

Hi
Just say to his sister " we are going our separate ways, he is moving out. I don't wan't to discuss the reasons as they are personal and between him and me. Hope you understand"
Its no one elses business. If people ask just reply "Its personal"
Now go and get that haircut, pick up some wall paper samples and paint pots and enjoy having YOUR home arranged and decorated just how you like.

Thanks, yep that matches what my head is saying. Of course my heart wants to scream at everyone and tell them what sort of person he is, but that's not the sort of person I want to turn into just because I'm hurt.

I must remember to keep my head in charge for these things.

ERICS_MUM

Angry_Bear wrote: »

Thanks, yep that matches what my head is saying. Of course my heart wants to scream at everyone and tell them what sort of person he is, but that's not the sort of person I want to turn into just because I'm hurt.

I must remember to keep my head in charge for these things.

Absolutely. Hold your head up high, be dignified, don't twist the knife because it won't make you feel better about the ghastly situation.
Be confident about your own worth.

You seem a calm sensible person who has been terribly hurt and for what it's worth I think you are doing exactly the right thing - for both of you. It might push your oh into getting 'help.

Good luck

Guest101

Angry_Bear wrote: »

I'm hoping for a bit of advice. I'm planning to call my ex-OH's sister to tell her we're splitting up. While we get on okay, we're not close but I think I should make sure she (and by extension, my niece) has heard it from one of us before she hears it on the rumour mill. I suspect ex is in a bit of denial and hasn't spoken to her, but it might help him realise it's really over if he has to face up to it with family.

Anyway, my question is - should I tell her why? I mean, not the details but roughly? I feel like it makes me look bad and raises more questions if I just say "it's complicated and I don't want to put you in the middle". But on the other hand, I don't want to cause unnecessary bad feeling with ex as things will be simpler the more civil we can keep it.

I don't think you should at all.

1: it doesn't matter if she finds out from the 'rumour mill'.
2: if you start publicising your reason why you split up, your ex will start publicising his reasons for straying. Dirty laundry and public...
3: it's his family and in my opinion makes you look ( whilst understandable to some degree ) vindictive
4: you've said your not close, so there's no reason for it.

Guest101

tealady wrote: »

Hi
Just say to his sister " we are going our separate ways, he is moving out. I don't wan't to discuss the reasons as they are personal and between him and me. Hope you understand"
Its no one elses business. If people ask just reply "Its personal"
Now go and get that haircut, pick up some wall paper samples and paint pots and enjoy having YOUR home arranged and decorated just how you like.

At the minute he's neither moving out, nor is it her home.

There's no point making out its easy to buy out her husband, he can say no. If he's not accepting of the break up he probably will.

Angry_Bear

Guest101 wrote: »

I don't think you should at all.

1: it doesn't matter if she finds out from the 'rumour mill'.

It matter to me that people who have been my family for 18 years, even if we're not close, get important information like this in person.

2: if you start publicising your reason why you split up, your ex will start publicising his reasons for straying. Dirty laundry and public...
3: it's his family and in my opinion makes you look ( whilst understandable to some degree ) vindictive
4: you've said your not close, so there's no reason for it.

Agree with 2 sort of, but 3 doesn't make sense unless I also give the circumstances. #4 of course there is a reason for it, not least my niece, who I'm sure would be very hurt if she heard this news from a friend of a friend rather than from family!

Guest101 wrote: »

At the minute he's neither moving out, nor is it her home.

There's no point making out its easy to buy out her husband, he can say no. If he's not accepting of the break up he probably will.

Agree with this, and it's a concern on my radar - although he is a decent person (in most ways!), so I don't expect him to be deliberately difficult.