Heartbroken - end of long relationship

Stevie_Palimo

Guest101 wrote: »

1: I have empathy, but don't see the point in yet another post saying the same thing
2: drop the personal insults. 3
3: I might get shot, not because my post was questionable, but rather the environment it's posted in is hostile.

Hostile is living in Iraq or Syria this is a forum and hardly goes along the lines of a hostile place like those above.

Your posts do read as being very near the mark in most instances and borderline rude in others so people will jump on them and pull you up.

Guest101

Stevie_Palimo wrote: »

Hostile is living in Iraq or Syria this is a forum and hardly goes along the lines of a hostile place like those above.

Your posts do read as being very near the mark in most instances and borderline rude in others so people will jump on them and pull you up.

You know what I meant. And these comments are taking the OP off topic. I believe there was some merit in my question.


Others can disagree all they like (though preferably without the personal insults), but being respectful to another view point doesn't take much does it?


This isn't a game of fact or fiction, its just opinions.

Ozzuk

Chin up Angry Bear, awesome new life ahead of you!

Grenage

Whoah, Guest's remarks were just queries as to possible causes - not justification.

18 years is going to take a while to get over. While it's not 'full-blown' cheating, It's not something I'd put up with, either.

pelirocco

DigForVictory wrote: »

Ouch. [Starts rant on treacherous so&so but pauses to think]
I would hand you an absorbent real cotton handkerchief & a pint of Ben & Jerrys but first, please phone the bank & make it clear where the money stops.

If necessary "lose" bank cards so the account is held. After you've pulled a handful to keep you going for a couple of days & bombproofed any direct debits.

Counselling does not mean 'avoid the company of lawyers' either - google wikivorce, and local solicitor
Get estate agents in to give you an estimate market value. Explain (if necessary) that your husband 'has the offer of work elsewhere & his work will help pay relocation', but you need written valuations.

Check your credit record. Talk to the bank (as well as on here if you need to) about re-establishing your own solo credit history.

Photograph (cameraphone if nothing better, decent camera if you can) each room and any items in it you regard definitively as *yours*.

Up to you as to whether you change the locks but if its a joint mortgage that may not be a good idea, as it's illegal.

Invite someone over, in part for comfort, in part to facilitate you doing all the practical things like finding your passport & birth certificate, and in part to have a witness in case he decides to add the the idiot rap sheet by adding physical domestic violence.

You may want to tell work your spouse has unilaterally decided to end your marriage to see if they're minded to give you any time off. Your union may have legal benefits including solicitors advice?

Just be gentle with yourself, whilst defending all that is yours.

Others will be along with more wisdom & support - I just wish I could sort you a safe space to scream, get sozzled and thump things, then eat a large meal cooked & washed up by someone else, but the lack of friends (because he's all you wanted, then & now, trust issues) will make life still more difficult.

Keep eating, drinking, exercising, bathing, sleeping. You are still you even if he is not who you thought him to be.

The OP has given no indication that her ex would cause any problems with money , and why you would suggest change changing the locks is a complete mystery , why would you inflame what is a very difficult time in their lives.
From the OPs post I applaud her for moving forward in a calm yet strong way , nothing is to be gained by acting in a vengeful manner ( even tho its something we would all think about doing )

Angry_Bear

dinky_dragon wrote: »

Guest101 I literally don't see the relevance of your question about intimacy at all. After 18 years Im guessing the OP and her partner weren't at it 24/7, but even if there was none - is that all that keeps men in their relationships?

I'm not nearly as offended by Guest101's comment as some others - I think it says more about him than me though .
The ironic thing is, over the last few years I've changed a lot physically and I feel better about myself that I have in years - so things in that department were better than they had been!
I do wonder if some of the "new me" contributed to insecurity and therefore to him looking for an ego-boost, that's one of the excuses I made for him in my head the first time.
At this point I don't think excuses or reasons matter, they won't change anything.

Anyway, on a brighter note - it's pay review day at my work and I've got a nice little extra 9% coming my way :T
I may blow a little of that on a knee-jerk extreme change new haircut. Then again, I might restrict my knee-jerk reactions to something a little easier to change (for some reason I'm currently listening to Eminem on my work headphones - I don't really like Eminem, but I think I'm getting a perverse pleasure out of listening to something that makes me feel a bit angry and offended ).

Again - thanks to everyone for the support *must not blub at work*

Guest101

Angry_Bear wrote: »

I'm not nearly as offended by Guest101's comment as some others - I think it says more about him than me though .
The ironic thing is, over the last few years I've changed a lot physically and I feel better about myself that I have in years - so things in that department were better than they had been!
I do wonder if some of the "new me" contributed to insecurity and therefore to him looking for an ego-boost, that's one of the excuses I made for him in my head the first time.
At this point I don't think excuses or reasons matter, they won't change anything.

Anyway, on a brighter note - it's pay review day at my work and I've got a nice little extra 9% coming my way :T
I may blow a little of that on a knee-jerk extreme change new haircut. Then again, I might restrict my knee-jerk reactions to something a little easier to change (for some reason I'm currently listening to Eminem on my work headphones - I don't really like Eminem, but I think I'm getting a perverse pleasure out of listening to something that makes me feel a bit angry and offended ).

Again - thanks to everyone for the support *must not blub at work*

Like I say it wasn't meant to be offensive or upsetting.


It's often easier to dismiss someone actions are purely their own true personality shining through (and that may well be the case sometimes), but these situations do also offer the opportunity to examine ones self and see if they could've done things differently - in you case it seems that you were in fact making the effort (good on you after 18 years!) - but I wouldn't know that without asking


You seem to be evaluating things even now, with ideas on new looks and new music, even if it doesn't last, your testing your own self and may find something out that you didn't know before.


As for 'it says more about him than me' - obviously you can take away whatever opinion you want. But I simply don't think the current situation of (and this isn't just individual to you, but I mean it as part of a wider culture) blaming everything on another party when things go wrong and taking no ownership of mistakes is healthy for anyone, you, me, bob down the road, or society as a whole.


We all make mistakes, I simply asked if you had done so.


I certainly have, and will do in the future. Sure that mistake wont be messaging other women, wince that's not my 'go to', but will I over indulge on the Xbox, drink too much and not keep up to housework - of course that will happen at some point. If that results in my relationship not working out (which I would like to think it's wouldn't) I would consider the part my actions played in the break down.

duchy

Guest-one please can you desist trying to hijack the thread- It's not about you !!!

If you want to talk about your mistakes then start your own thread !!!

AB well a new do is always a lift.....maybe a big change but not utterly extreme ?

lizzy85

It is really hard when you are going through into something and you had no one to lean on. Just be strong and I know there will be someone out there better than your OH. Don't be afraid to leave him, he does not deserve you.

Angry_Bear

Following my work news this afternoon, I did a little re-jigging ... and it now looks like I'm in a position to buy out my OH.
Trying to weigh up the pros and cons in my head (e.g. pro: I love my house, con: but will it always feel like "our" house?), but it's good to have options.