Husband has revealed a secret child - what would you do?

belfastgirl23

Email addresses aren't that hard to find depending where you work. A quick google would bring mine up.

I agree with the others though, OP you know your relationship and your husband. You know if this is out of character. If you don't know the circumstances already (and I'd guess there are things you wish you'd asked) you should take time to ask questions til you do understand them better.

One way or another this kind of isn't about you. Which I know is harsh but when there's a child involved in my view it needs to be about them first and foremost. By the tone of your posts I think this is also a view you share. You are absolutely entitled to feel hurt, betrayed and angry but there is a young woman out there waiting to hear from her dad and that's a ticking clock that isn't going anywhere. Decisions you make now could potentially affect the rest of your life. I'd say make decisions from a point of view of kindness as far as you conceivably can.

And let us know how you go. You sound like a fundamentally decent and thoughtful person to me (if you weren't you wouldn't ask the question of how to handle it) and I have a hunch you'll make a good stepmother who would be a positive influence in supporting your DH and his daughter in getting to know each other.

andthesunwillrise

Oh wow. I never expected so many responses! I'll try and explain a few things for anyone still unclear.

Yes, my husband knew that the child was born. There was no secret miscarriage or abortion as pigpen oddly suggested. And cheers for the "psycho loon" jibe. That was super helpful.

I didn't throw my husband out in some selfish angry rage. I thought it was best that I had a couple of days to myself to think things through. Which I have. He's now home and we're going to work this out together. I was never angry. I was blindsided but not angry.

Absolutely agree with the posters saying that his daughter is the most important person right now. I have no animosity toward her or her mum. I won't think of myself as a step-mother though. That's far too presumptuous.

My husband has replied to his ex's email and they are going to arrange a meeting to discuss going forward. He regrets ever keeping this a secret and knows that he has to do right by his daughter now. He said that for the past eight years he assumed he'd only be able to make amends with his daughter or continue our relationship. That he couldn't have both. He assumed the second I knew that I'd leave him. He chose me for the last eight years but that doesn't give me any comfort. I'm disappointed that he didn't tell me sooner and I'm disappointed that he didn't put his daughter first.

He has an old email address that he checks every now and again and it was this address that his ex used. Perfectly legit, they haven't been in contact since they were 17.

We've been together eight years and married nearly two. I know his character as it was when he was 23 and as it is now. I am certain that I can say that this is not the tip of the iceberg. He isn't a cheat or a liar. But he does have a tendency to bury his head in the sand (case in point). I don't like what he has done but I trust that he is ready to step up and support his daughter however she would like him to (if at all).

We don't have any children but plan to. I cried today thinking that I would never be the only mother to his children and that it wouldn't be a "first" if/when we do get pregnant. I will be able to cope with this though. I just need a bit of time. If we can't get pregnant I worry that this may become a bigger issue than it is now but I'll try and deal with that if/when it happens.

Cheers for the opinions - it's really helped.

FBaby

and yet, the husband has gone for years without providing any support to his child? so it's OK to expect your wife to support you through thick and thin but there is no obligation to provide your child with any emotional, practical, physical, financial support?

Why assuming that the mother wanted any of this? Go on other forum and you will read posts from pregnant women or newly mum who because their boyfriend have broken up their relationship think that it gives them the right to say that they want the man out of their lives AND their child's. Many are struggling to understand that a father to a child is different to a boyfriend to them, but it takes some maturity to appreciate this when you are left emotional hurt.

OP, have you discussed the circumstances that lead to your OH having no relationship with his daughter? I think you've dealt with this news very well and indeed, being separated for a couple of days was probably a good thing, allowing time to think it through. It is totally understandable that you would be thinking about the fact that you won't give him his first child, but as you say, you will deal when that happens. He is very lucky to have an understanding and supportive wife.

I hope all goes well for you and your OH.

pigpen

clearingout wrote: »

and yet, the husband has gone for years without providing any support to his child? so it's OK to expect your wife to support you through thick and thin but there is no obligation to provide your child with any emotional, practical, physical, financial support? .

Had she wanted it I'm pretty sure she could access it the same as every other person who has contacted CSA/CMS over the last 20-odd years.

He was told to stay away.. so he did.. poor bloke can't do right for doing wrong.. everyone jumps on him because of his gender once again.. it's not his fault he is male! Nor was it his fault he was bullied out of his childs life.. he was a young man, scared, confused, impressionable and you dont know how his own family reacted.. they might have been bullying and pressuring him too.. and peer pressure.. its a lot to cope with at 17.

My BIL was prevented from contact with his daughter for many years.. he was physically assaulted and hospitalised a couple of time, when he would go to pick her up.. not every relationship is nice and amicable and without knowing more ie, being there all those years ago.. noone has any right to judge least of all the one person who claims to love him through everything!

tiger_eyes

Only on MSE do you get called a "psycho loon" and "total drama queen" for being a little unnerved to find out your husband has been concealing a secret child for the entire length of your relationship with him.

andthesunwillrise

Tiger eyes - I know right?!

I don't think you could summise that I acted like a "psycho loon" or a drama queen from any of my posts but hey ho, that's the nature of forums. I love the irony of pigpen telling me that I shouldn't be judging my husband though. Um hello. Pot. Kettle.

restless6

He was told to go away at age 17 but that doesn't excuse him not growing a pair and trying to get contact when he became a man.
Why did he not bother with his child when he was 20, 25 etc etc .

I can't stand spineless men who use any excuse not to bother with their children . He could have taken the mother to court for access by it seems he just didn't bother .

This would be the bigger problem for me rather than the fact he kept it a secret .
What if he has kids with his current wife and they split in the future - will he do a runner on those kids too? His track record would certainly put me off starting a family with him because if he can pretend one child doesn't exist for 13 years then that isn't really father material.

tiger_eyes

I think you've taken it as well as anyone could hope for. Your husband must have been very afraid that you'd leave him. He underestimated your level-headedness and your devotion to him. Now he knows.

FBaby

He was told to go away at age 17 but that doesn't excuse him not growing a pair and trying to get contact when he became a man.
Why did he not bother with his child when he was 20, 25 etc etc .

But maybe he decided not to because he thought it was for the best for the child. It can be quite a traumatic experience for a child to be introduced to a new person who is their father and told they are expected to build a relationship with them when they most likely have never missed it at this stage, even more so if they've had a father figure in their life. Then there is the worry that that person could come in, build expectations and then disappear again.

I really don't think it is black and white. The situation is that the girl now wants to meet him, so now is the time for him to do things right by her.

duchy

I think this is a very sad post.

The thing that struck me about the original post was to wonder what the OP's OH attitude to them having children was. If for example he was adament that he didn't want children or if they had agreed to remain childless there would be a lot to talk about. If on the other hand they have children together-it raises other questions. It's impossible to imagine that the discussion about wanting children or not hasn't been discussed between them in eight years.

I did wonder if the OP wants children by her OH wasn't as keen was the reason she felt angry enough to throw him out without further discussion as an unmentioned child felt like the ultimate betrayal.

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

At first I wondered why the OP wouldn't make their mind up to come to terms with it, because it would be the right thing to do, but then I thought about how I'd feel in the same situation.

If my husband announced today that he wanted to get to know a daughter born 30 odd years ago (in my case), to be quite honest about it, I think I'd feel a little threatened.
I'm only his wife but she would be his daughter, his blood.

If push came to shove and the daughter caused drama, would he pick her now over me, just for an easy life? Unlikely but the bond of blood can be very strong.

Would our finances now be taking a hit to cover her and the inevitable grandchildren's needs? If my husband dies before me, would I find myself losing my security because of terms in a new will?

I would still want my husband to do the right thing and support him but frankly, I'd be worried.