Husband has revealed a secret child - what would you do?

fairy_lights

Guest101 wrote: »

Really? On what basis?


I'm all for honesty, if asked.


But I doubt people reveal all their secrets when they meet:


"Hi I'm Susan, I had an abortion aged 19, some drug issues aged 22 and have a CCJ"


"Hi I'm Mick, I Have a child I've never met, Mental Health Issues and 3 credit cards"

You're quite right, you wouldn't normally reveal those sort of things when you first meet someone. But you would reveal them before you married them.

Guest101

fairy_lights wrote: »

You're quite right, you wouldn't normally reveal those sort of things when you first meet someone. But you would reveal them before you married them.

Possibly.


However if the topic was to never arise and the husband reasonably believed the child would never want to meet him, in fact could've suppressed it quite deeply - I don't think it would always come up.


I doubt someone would reveal an abortion unless it was asked (and even then)

LannieDuck

I agree with those who would find this very difficult to get over. If I suddenly found out that my OH had a child for 17 years who he'd never attempted to get to know, and had never attempted to support the child's mother... well, he wouldn't be the man I married.

I can appreciate how hard it may have been at 17 years of age to stand by the girl when both sets of parents are telling you to walk away. But what about when he was 25? What about when he turned 30 - was he old enough then to get in touch and ask how his kid was doing? When he started earning money, did he consider making contact to offer to maintenance, or even via the CSA if he was still scared of contacting the girl directly?

Amara

I don't think I could forgive this. Too big secret. Didn't he think that on some point of his life daughter may turn up? I don't like the fact he didn't try to be in contact either. Perhaps not at 17, but maybe few years later ? He definitely should has told before wedding.

Guest101

A strawpoll here:


No need for details, but who here has kept a secret from the partner?


Who's lied to their partner directly?


I suspect its 99.99% of the posters.

LannieDuck

Guest101 wrote: »

A strawpoll here:


No need for details, but who here has kept a secret from the partner?


Who's lied to their partner directly?


I suspect its 99.99% of the posters.

And how many have lied about having a child? I suspect it's <1% of posters.

PeacefulWaters

Guest101 wrote: »

A strawpoll here:


No need for details, but who here has kept a secret from the partner?


Who's lied to their partner directly?


I suspect its 99.99% of the posters.

There is a difference between fibbing over the price of a pair of shoes and forgetting to mention your offspring elsewhere.

That said, it's not an outright lie. It's an omission of (rather important) information. Hence my earlier post that suggested getting any other skeletons out of the closet as anything else significant beyond this point could be a marriage ender.

One of the main reasons he didn't mention it could be that he valued his partner so much he didn't want to scare her off. A misjudgement if it's the case. But genuine.

Guest101

LannieDuck wrote: »

And how many have lied about having a child? I suspect it's <1% of posters.

What's the difference?


Ok I'll try to explain my reasoning.


If this is about breach of trust: Then any lie is as bad as any other.


If this is about the child: Did the OP ever make her views so clear that the husband would feel compelled to say anything? IE My wife feels strongly about this, I'd better be honest - if not then it's just 'another' lie, or even a not spoken truth.


If this is about his morals: Surely his morals come down to more than this? Surely we make moral choices every day and do base his whole character on one (admittedly large) situation seems extreme.


I switch it for a moment to abortion, which is often topical - there would be similar arguments, with many arguing its the right of the mother to choose, and others speaking about pro-life choices. But no-one would be saying: "She should've told him", unless he'd specifically asked and made his feelings clear.

LannieDuck

Guest101 wrote: »

I switch it for a moment to abortion, which is often topical - there would be similar arguments, with many arguing its the right of the mother to choose, and others speaking about pro-life choices. But no-one would be saying: "She should've told him", unless he'd specifically asked and made his feelings clear.

It's a bit of an aside (and I don't want to derail the thread too far down this path...), but actually I do think people should be forthcoming about abortions etc to their spouse. There's no need to go into details and dredge up what might be painful memories, but mentioning that (e.g.) 'I did get pregnant once but it wasn't the right time' is important between two people who ought to have absolute love and trust for each other.

Mostly because sharing views on contraception / reproduction etc is a very important conversation that a couple ought to have before they get married. You don't want to wait until the wife gets pregnant before realising that one half of the couple isn't comfortable with abortion, and the other half doesn't want kids! :eek:

ManofLeisure_2

[QUOTE=Guest101;70510069


But I doubt people reveal all their secrets when they meet:

[/QUOTE]

I didn't say that they did !