Husband has revealed a secret child - what would you do?

mark5

He was 17 and told to stay away which is what he did, he didn't walk away, he was forced away, it's the grand parents who are the biggest reason for the girl not knowing her dad until now.

When he met you it was a secret from his past and no doubt wasn't the right time to mention it, the longer time goes on the harder it is to bring up the subject so it remains a secret.

I think you have a right to be shocked but after 8 years together he deserves some support.

whitewing

I think his age then was the biggest factor in him not dealing with it. I expect he felt powerless then and fairly powerless since.

I would have a bit of a problem with him not mentioning it at all to me (if I were his wife) but I could also maybe understand how complex his feelings must have been.

I think you should get him home. I think a decision on your marriage could be made in the future. I don't think you have talked enough about it yet.

duchy

andthesunwillrise wrote: »

He knew she kept the baby. The email was first he knew about the girl wanting contact but he absolutely knew that a child existed.

I understand your point and yes, I have small secrets from my husband like how much that dress really cost but no, I don't have big secrets. He does remember having a child he just chose to bury it (which is understandable) but it makes me question a lot about him (and my in laws).

I wonder why the mother has waited so long.
At seventeen she may not have had the confidence to go against her parents, but at twenty , or twenty five ?

Your husband isn't the same person he was at 17. Do you have children with him or did you have plans for a family ?

FBaby

But I also feel for his ex. She's the one who has had to raise a child at 17 which must have had a huge impact on her life whereas my husband got to continue his life as if nothing happened.

But you have no idea of the situation, so I would be very careful not to make assumptions that then come to cloud your judgement of your OH behaviour.

For all you know at this stage, she got pregnant because she wanted to despite telling your OH that she was on the pill. Maybe she wanted a baby without him around and told him she wanted nothing to do with him. Maybe her parents made things very difficult for him to try to be a father to this child. You don't know.

I think the best thing you can do at this stage is to listen to him as he opens up about the whole thing before you start judging his actions. Sometimes living with guilt that eats you deep inside every day can be more painful than facing the situation.

fairy_lights

I don't think I would be as forgiving as most of the posters on here. Having a secret child is a massive secret to keep from your spouse, if my partner had kept something so important from me I'm not sure I would ever be able to trust him again. I would wonder what else he could be keeping secret, if he'd managed to hide something like that for so long, and it would trouble me that he hadn't felt he could tell me the truth.
I'd also feel uncomfortable knowing that he hadn't attempted to make contact with the child or pay maintenance. Both sets of parents may have warned him off, and I can imagine a naïve 17 year old not knowing what to do, but did he even try?

Guest101

I love how some posters don't see it as a father kept from his child, possibly by threats, but some !!!!less sh** and run liar.

hazyjo

My OH has children he doesn't see (second marriage). I'm sure if people looked at it with black & white views, they'd cast him as a terrible father. What I see is a broken man who often cries, who goes hunting for photos/videos of them on the internet, who stole their toothbrushes and one's hair bobbles when he left, who takes anti-depressants, etc. He saw them for years and was there when they were young, but due to bipolar disorder / drug addictions / trauma, it all went wrong. Fought through courts, saw them in contact centres with his ex and her new husband watching on. It broke him. We have managed to track them down to an address (they moved away), but he hasn't been in touch but does hope with all his heart that one day they will get in touch with him. His relationship with his ex was absolutely toxic.


My family don't know, but some of my friends do.


Try not to judge. I do know it's hard. Sometimes things are right at the time and then we look back and regret not changing our minds or fighting more for something. Things are rarely black and white. He will want you to support him (even if you find it hard). As humans, we can be very good at closing doors on things and keeping them hidden. Not so much a lie or secret, just a chapter he thought was closed.


(I may delete this soon, just wanted to add to give you another view.)


Jx

hazyjo

Another way of looking at it...


I was adopted. I do wonder if my (very young) birth mother ever told her future husband or family (presuming she has one/them). She may be alone, she may be with my blood-dad, she may or may not have kids... who knows.


But would I expect her to have told that family? No. Not at all. It's very common with women who had their babies adopted to never reveal it. It's partly why I'd have to see a counsellor if I ever did trace - to prepare me for rejection, and to see that it's something she buried a long time ago.


Do you have an opinion on that? Do you think that someone who gives their baby up for adoption (which is pretty much like what your OH has done) should tell their future husband? I don't. I'd hoped they would, but I certainly wouldn't hold it against them if an 18 came knocking on the door in the future. Happened to a friend of mine. Obviously was a huge shock, but they all supported their mum.


Jx

Rev

Personally I would be less bothered by the fact he kept the secret and more bothered by the fact he's seemingly made zero attempts in the following years to contact his ex, see his child or pay maintenance.

Obviously we only know what the OP has posted so please forgive me if I'm wrong but if he has made no attempt at all to make contact and also made no attempt at all to pay maintenance for his child that would be where I had an issue.

Not with the fact he made a mistake at 17 and kept it to himself but with the fact that as a grown man he made no attempts to take ownership of that mistake and do the right thing.

If he has made attempts and they've been rebuffed then fair enough. After the initial shock wore off I'd support him in whatever way he needed.

burlington6

The way I see it is at the moment between your husband, his child and you.....you're actually the least important party.

The child is number one, you husband ( who could be in a bad way mentally after all this and you kicking him out ) is second.

Then comes you.