Husband has revealed a secret child - what would you do?

andthesunwillrise

Mupette wrote: »

1 Did he know the girl kept the baby, or is the email the first he heard?

if he didn't know about the 13 year old until the email popped up then you are being harsh

if he did know she kept the baby then this is all in the past, I don't know about you but you listened to what your parents told you, their word was law.

I am sure you have a few secrets that you have forgotten we all have, until someone reminds you, you'll not remember.

remember your wedding vows for better, for worse. Support your husband he needs you,

He knew she kept the baby. The email was first he knew about the girl wanting contact but he absolutely knew that a child existed.

I understand your point and yes, I have small secrets from my husband like how much that dress really cost but no, I don't have big secrets. He does remember having a child he just chose to bury it (which is understandable) but it makes me question a lot about him (and my in laws).

Guest101

To be honest in 2003 teenage pregnancies were hardly new, so I suspect he was quite severely warned away.

It certainly doesn't sound like turning his back. But rather being forced down a path.

i would think that it's heartbreaking enough to not see his child, first steps, school, birthdays. Eventually it might become the norm, but even the. I'm sure that she crossed his mind.

Yet he's had no support with this. He was crying, I suspect out of shock and some what relief and happiness, not shame.

I suggest you go to him now, tonight, bring him home and together decide what's best. Which given your stance so far, I suspect you would support him in building a relationship with his daughter

Noctu

I have very little sympathy for men who are fully aware they have a child but choose (yes, choose) to have no contact with them or offer any support.

I'm not sure what I would do in your situation to be perfectly honest but I would need a long time to think! Finding out you've had something kept from you for a very long time by the ones you love is very hurtful indeed and it will take time to come to terms with.

(I was the child in this situation by the way and was told my father was dead by my mother and the rest of my family).

Mupette

andthesunwillrise wrote: »

He knew she kept the baby. The email was first he knew about the girl wanting contact but he absolutely knew that a child existed.

I understand your point and yes, I have small secrets from my husband like how much that dress really cost but no, I don't have big secrets. He does remember having a child he just chose to bury it (which is understandable) but it makes me question a lot about him (and my in laws).

He's still your husband. maybe he was threatened to keep away by the girls father, until he opens up to you and tells you as it was, we can't assume the worst of him.

I think you worry that if you both decide to have a baby he is going to do a runner? i doubt that, he was still a kid back then told to keep away from the girl, put yourself in his shoes what would you do.

Love him for who he is now not what he was when you didn't know him.

If it was my husband telling me about a baby in his past, my reaction would be just to listen, ask him what he wants to do and support him. You can move on form this, there doesn't need be a drama, or something to be stored for future rows,

What makes a marriage work is listening, and supporting not holding onto stuff as ammunition to get something in the future.

Go find him and love him

gettingtheresometime

andthesunwillrise wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your measured advice - this is what I needed.

And yes surveyqueenuk, I am absolutely being unfair to him. I know that. The mistakes and decisions you make at 17 shouldn't have much bearing on your life at 31. But I also feel for his ex. She's the one who has had to raise a child at 17 which must have had a huge impact on her life whereas my husband got to continue his life as if nothing happened. I'm disappointed that he didn't at any point in the last 13 years have the empathy to reach out to his ex. To at least offer support, even if she turned him down. Maybe I'm expecting too much of (the past) him.

But another way of looking at this is that for the last 13 yrs he's known he has a child, a child that he's had no part in seeing grow up wondering if he's walked past his daughter and neither of them realise.

Carer

I was the teenage mother in this situation, but my parents and I didn't stop contact.

In my case the father chose not to have any contact, never saw (or bothered to try and see) the baby and even denied she was his when the DSS forced me to take him to court for maintenance (pre CSA days).

She always knew he existed, I never badmouthed him, I just told her the truth.

When she was 13 she wanted contact and against my better judgement I gave in and contacted him. He agreed to see her and it went well for a short time, but there was no real relationship there and he soon started letting her down.

To cut a long story short, it was the worst thing I ever did, I should have insisted on her waiting until she was 18.

Instead of enjoying her teenage years, she spent them in a difficult and uncertain state of mind that ultimately spiralled into depression and led to her failing her college course and ending up totally off the rails for a long time.

I have no advice for you OP other than to say, for the sake of the child in this, make him say no until she's old enough to really understand why he rejected her. A 13 year old is not really mature enough to cope with the huge life change and emotions that meeting him will involve as well as coping with the normal teenage angst.

Although my daughter is ok now, she lost 10 years of her life and I still blame myself for it.

surveyqueenuk

Carer wrote: »

I have no advice for you OP other than to say, for the sake of the child in this, make him say no until she's old enough to really understand why he rejected her. A 13 year old is not really mature enough to cope with the huge life change and emotions that meeting him will involve as well as coping with the normal teenage angst.

Has he "rejected" her though, or was he forced out of the way? Maybe the daughter is already aware of the situation? How much teenage angst and high emotion would refusing to see her now, at her mother's initiation, cause?

melanzana

Do you still love him?

Do you still trust him?

If yes to both, support him. It is not the end of the world, as a matter of fact it is great that he has at last revealed what may have been on his mind for years. But was afraid to say. Happens.

Now you could have a step daughter.

How lovely really, if it all works out.

Why would you kick someone out because of something like this.

I have experience. My OH had a child twenty years before we met. I wasn't told for years. But then one day I was. The child wanted to meet him (adopted).

It wasn't easy, but I did my best to help things along. I didn't mind at all that I hadn't been told about the child up to then. So what?

All is well now.

I know this is not the way all things like this go, but it is wonderful to see my OH so relieved and happy about his child.

He has no legal obligations or anything, just a very kind relationship. Relief on all sides really.

I am not making any assumptions here. It is not easy, but it happened before you met, not like he had a love child whilst you were together or anything.

sooty&sweep

Hi

He was 17, he was told to go away & stay away !
If both sets of parents were discouraging contact at 17 he probably wouldn't have the courage or confidence to go against their wishes.
Now that she's made contact he doesn't seem to be running away from seeing his daughter. He could have said No he didn't want to see her & tried to keep his life simple.
He must have known you'd be upset but he was brave enough to face that.
Personally I would forgive him & work together on this.

Jen

AubreyMac

I can understand The shock and anger, I think I would react the same initially.

I wonder, did he pay maintenance all these years?

Though you have it hard because not only are you dealing with the shock, you have also been deceived not just by him but by his family. I do think in some ways he has it harder though.

Would you have told him to jog on if you knew he had a child to begin with? (I know for some people it's a no go area)

To answer your question of what would I do - well, I'm put off any potential partner if he had children. If a bombshell like this dropped me, I think the shock of it could eventually break us up. Not only would I feel deceived and lied to but I think it'll change the dynamics of our relationship because if the daughter wants contact then he can't really turn his back and if he did I'd lose respect for him anyway, so it would be like a death to the relationship as I know it. But this is all hypothetical of course, the reality might be different if I really was in that situation.